france!!

im in france! its wonderful, but very different! the language, the way of life;, everything. right nozw im at her vacation house by the sea. they dont have internet but im in an internet cafe. it's great, im just really tired and miss the comforts of home. but i have to make this work!! i feel weak and im not hungry but hopefully that will get better as i adjust and my stress goes down. next week we go to her grandparents city and stay with a friend then the last week is with her father<. i must go, my time is running out!

off i fly

So all my stuff is packed and pretty much ready to go. I'm proud of myself, usually when we go away I bring my pillow, another pillow and a healthy stack of 3 or 4 blankets, along with White Bear, my beloved bear who is not white and never was and is balding. For this trip, all I'm bringing is White Bear, he's always wanted to travel the world :) I've probably taken too many clothes and such, but my suitcase is only like 3/4 full, including presents and such that will not be returning with me. Plenty of room for buying French stuff :) I'm so excited, I'm hungry but have to force myself to eat. We don't have to leave the house until like 4:30, so this day is full of anticipation. I'm really gonna miss my family, esp my mom, you know that mom/daughter thing. I hate saying that b/c it sounds like I won't miss my dad and friends and dog and sister, but I will, it's just that mother thing, for whatever I, at least, always seem to be more emotional attached and that's who I think of. When I'm sad and crying, I think 'I want my mommy' or when I'm homesick, I think 'I want my mommy', it's just the way it is.
I'm excited to watch movies and stuff on the plane. The longest plane I've ever been on was like 2 maybe 3 hours, so 9 hours is exciting. I'm sure that within the first 2hours I'll decide it's not really that great... :) Well, I have to go force some lunch down my throat. I'll try to write here as often as I can/as I think of, I'm not sure really what's gonna happen in Paris, but if I have internet, I'll let people know that I'm alive and didn't crash in the middle of the ocean :)

pretzels and packing...

So yesterday Mailys and I made homemade pretzels, something I've always wanted to try. They don't have pretzels the way we think of them in France, and she wanted to know how to make them so she could make them and have them in France. When we were at the mall a week or two ago, she had a cinnamon sugar one and fell in love. Anywhere we go she asks 'do they have pretzels?'. Its funny... :) We kept half of them plain and cinnamon sugared the other half... they were good :) best, right out of the oven. here's a picture of them after we had our 'tasting' :)

Today, however, my day was filled with packing, packing, and more packing! :) What fun! It wasn't THAT bad, i guess... My biggest annoyance is with my toiletries, and all the weird liquid restrictions. I have this fear that the security people won't like me and will rip up all my stuff and just be mean. It's starting to hit in that I'm going alone (well, I do have Mailou :) but, I have to be alert and stuff all the time, with my money and just everything. I'm hitting the anxiety stage :) I also fear that I'll forget something really important. I had a bad dream a while ago where the French customs dude wouldn't let me into france, it was awful. We'll only have an afternoon in Paris, and I'm really trying to keep my expectations/wants down on that part. I've got it down to a few things I MUST see/do: see the Eiffel Tower, see the Louvre, see the Seine, see the Arc de Triomphe and go down the Champs-Elysees. As my mom said: this skimpyness in Paris just gives you all the more reason to go back to just Paris. This trip isn't about Paris, it's about the immersion and whatever in the culture and language, I can be a tourist someother time. I just pray that God will keep me safe and sane. :) Here's a beautiful picture of my packing... I forgot to take one when my clothes were literally strewn all over my room... :)


P.S. I wish people would comment!!!! :)

my wonderful french girl

Mailys. many Americans can't say her name right, I'm not sure that I can. but that doesn't matter, she's amazing. she seems so different from me in so many ways, but at the same time, she's so much the same as me. she's human, has the same wants and desires as any other human, she's loved by God, even if she is French. at times, i think 'how could we be more different?', but at others i think 'how could we be more the same?'. sometimes she reminds me of myself, my personality, habits, thoughts, whatever. it almost seems that I would be just like her if i didn't have God, i can see my old habits/feelings, like anxiety. now that I have God, many of them have been replaced or just reduced, like with the anxiety, I have God and all this stuff to lean on so that it doesn't overtake me. she doesn't have God to lean on, and she already can't sleep in anxiousness about going back to france, even though we still have a week here... I don't know, it's just really cool to see all the similarities and differences, and realize that just because she lives across the world and believes in something totally different than me, she's not that different at the core. I can't wait to see her in France, in her home.

god's arms

ok, imagine being little again, you've hurt yourself, gotten a scrape or something, you run crying to you daddy where he envelopes you in his arms. you can feel his warmth and love and you never want to leave his arms. now, replace your daddy with God, imagine him wrapping you into a big hug and just loving you even though you're broken. when I'm really sad/mad/upset/whatever and lying in bed in the dark trying to go to sleep, usually with tears streaking down my face, i do just that, imagine God giving me a big hug and just taking all my problems away, either fixing them or letting me forget about them for a while. then, once I am comforted, I continue to imagine myself in His arms, and drift off to sleep. everyonce in a while, I do this randomly during the day when I need some energy or to forget about my problems for a while. the whole thing just makes me feel enormously loved, releaved and just amazing. it's been really great lately (esp the summer) and i've sort of felt this euphoria like all day. it's really amazing, it makes me so greatful and confident in God. hopefully when I get in a bad mood or things seem to stop going my way, I'll remember this feeling and continue to really trust God.

I feel like the lamb in Jesus' arms, ready to go wherever he takes me, just soaking in his love and everything

yeah, i have seizures

well, not anymore. but yeah, I've got epilepsy, although I think the PC name for it is a seizure disorder or something like that... but yeah, like in 8th grade, I started having seizures and then I went to a neurologist and had an MRI of my brain and have had quite a few EEGs and been pronounced epileptic. they're not the big, dramatic seizures one thinks of though, where the person flales their arms and legs and drools and stuff. I just sit there and stare into the distance and don't really respond, they vary, but yea. i've been taking meds since I was diagnosed and haven't had one in over 2 years, so we can start thinking about trying to take me off the meds. the seizures were always really mild and never really bothered me, i just had to take the meds, and there was some confusion about driving, but yea, it's not that bad. they could be ALOT worse, but I've been blessed to beable to live pretty much normally. everyonce in a while, I wonder 'why?', i know God did it for a reason but I want to know why... but i don't and there's nothing I can do about it. sometimes i almost wish they were worse, so people might actually know I have this and realize that it's not really that scary. it can be mostly controlled (depending on the case) and most can live a normal life. even if i will never help anyone using my epilepticness, i know God did it to help me too. when i was still on the fence about God/newly Christian, I realized that I had epilepsy for a reason and that God loves me and that He'll help me through it and make it work out. with epilepsy, you have it for life, no matter what, and even though I have only had mild seizures, one day, randomly, I could have a huge one and hurt myself or others. this gave me two options, live in constant fear and always be really cautious and careful and only do certain things, OR, live life to the fullest, knowing that something might happen, but I dont know when or how, so I just have to trust (in God) that things will work out, and if something bad does happen, I can know that I lived life unrestricted and how I really want to. I chose the second option :) This really pulled God further into my life and allowed me to live the best I could ever imagine. So yea, i have seizures (well not anymore, but i could any moment, but God will never make something happen to me that I can't handle) :D

what to do...

Since I'm a high school senior now, I must start to really contemplate college and all that jazz. There are so many options... I could go into something medical, something arty like graphic design or photography, or go into engineering, the list is endless. I'm REALLY bad and slow at making decisions. It seems like everyday or three I decide that I want to do something else. In addition to the major/career choice, I have to choose a college. I could go with something bigger, but with more options, or something smaller and more intimate, like a Christian school that has the feeling I like better, but not as many options. And since I don't really know what I want to do, options are good. :) I really don't know what to do, but I've still got a little bit of time... Right now I pretty much just have to give it to God and know that He will make everything all work out.
Different subject, this summer has gone by so amazingly fast. I know I still have like 4 or 5 more weeks, but still, it's gone by at warp speed. Practically every moment has been amazing though, so I can't really complain. It's been like the best summer I can remember. I've felt so loved and I know who I am and I know where I fit in with everything else, it's great. :D
Another subject, I feel the senioritis coming already. So at my school there's Student Ambassadors who show everyone around and stuff. I'm going to be one next year, but the more I think about it, the less I want to do it. :P I can't really quit though... oh well.

making my blog pretty :)

So, after a lot of contemplation, I've changed the way my blog looks :) I initially wanted to find a cool layout from another site and use it, but none of them struck me. So... I just altered one of the pre-made blogger ones. You like? It's not quite as boring now... with a picture and music :) I'm still working on putting pictures in posts.... :/ I also have a feeling no one is reading this... oh well. Hopefully they will when I start using it when I'm in France and people want to see what I'm doing... :) That's all for now.

who knew the zoo was so much fun?

So today I went to the zoo with Mailys and some peeps from my youth group. It was funner then I expected. The people in my youth group, esp staff, are just so cool. They really welcome you and talk to you and are really fun to be around. The staff don't even feel like chaperones or anything (which they're not really anyway b/c we're all old enough to go somewhere alone) they feel like friends, just hanging out. They really seem like they care and try to include you in the group. For example, I was sitting on the table eating my ice cream, everyone else was around the table next to it, or the next table. I though, was all alone on my little table, yet didn't feel alone b/c people were right there. Alisa ( I ♥ her!) came and sat next to me randomly. Usually people don't do that, at least not for me. I often feel awkward in big groups, out of place, unless I know someone really well. Otherwise, even if I know someone, I know that they will talk to others and leave me behind at some point, so I just avoid the situation. Most of the time, but not all the time, I sorta do it to myself. I feel weird talking to people I don't intimately know. I feel like I'm intruding into their life, like they don't have time to care about me, that I'm not worth the attention, that they don't like me and don't want me talking to them, that they're busy doing more important things. I have come to learn, though, that it is usually quite the opposite, esp in youth group/church. People care, they really do. I just look up to all the staff b/c they seem to recognize that I exist and have feelings too, and do something to help. I want to get to know them even better and really hang with them. Yeah, that's my random emotional stuff for the day. :) Church and God has just really helped me so much, I can't even explain it. Yeah, and with such great people, the zoo actually seems fun. With the air of love, acceptance and fun, walking endlessly in the heat is actually fun. I've seen all the animals a billion times before, but it didn't seem about the animals to me today, it was about the people. Great people can make a potentially really boring and tiring trip great fun. I love my church peeps. :)

a summer found only out of the box

Ok, so me being my weird self, found a sort of string in my summer plans, and decided to theme my summer. 'Out of the Box' is this summer's theme for me. I know that sounds so run of the mill, but whatever. Knowing that my summer has this theme, I've pushed myself to doing things I normally wouldn't do. I'm expanding my comfort zone, and I like it. :) The big, main event of my summer is that I'm doing a summer foreign exchange dealeo. A wonderful french girl, named Maïlys, comes and spends three weeks at my house. Then, I go to her house in France with her for three weeks. All alone. This experience is very exciting, BUT very scary too. I've never ridden on a plane alone before, I've never been from my parents from more than a week, I've never been to a foreign country (except Canada, but they speak English, so I'm not counting them at the moment), I've never spoke french to a real french person, the list goes on and on. A few years ago, I would've let my fear overcome me and not gone, but not now. When my teacher told us about the whole thing my heart skipped, in my head I thought, 'I HAVE to do this, I HAVE to do this!!!!' So far, Mailou has been here for a week and a half, and I've loved it all. At times, it's tough, because I'm not used to having to host someone, or let them use my things and stay in my house for so long. It's been great though, I've learned and expanded and become a better, more experienced person. Although this is the main event of my summer, taking up 6 weeks of it, it is not all.
Each year my church youth group goes on a short term missions trip somewhere. This year we went to Findlay, Ohio to help with flood relief. The last times I've been on this trip, Project Serve, I've been on a construction/labor crew and loved it. This year, I did something different, out of my box. I was on the photo crew. We drove around and took pictures of the town and all the crews doing their assigned jobs. It was fun, but different. When I was there, I didn't like it so much, but when I got home, I realized all the things I had learned about myself, by putting myself in a different situation. Also on the trip, we have a fun day at the end. We went to Cedar Point, how could you go to Ohio and not go to Cedar Point? I'd never been on a roller coaster before. I was scared, but really excited. After my first one, I was like, 'Man! Why didn't I ride one sooner? These things are SO fun!!!' So I rode a bunch and it was REALLY fun. :) I went on big ones that I initially had said I wouldn't step foot on. I pushed my box a bit further, and now I love thrill rides, coasters, or huge water slides.
When I set out my summer to be 'out of my box', I didn't think it would be that out of the boxy, and that only one or two things I would push myself. But I've discovered just how many ways I can push myself and grow. Little things, like changing my attitude or seeing someone else's point of view, to big things like getting on a cross-atlantic plane all alone. My summers only half over, so who knows what else will come my way.