so.

so. tonight i took my last dose of carbatrol. hopefully for the rest of my life. i'm almost certain it is. because even if something happens, i wont be put back on carbatrol... i feel great still. a bit tired sometimes and every once in a while have little phases of weirdness, but i had those even when I was still on full carbatrol. the tiredness is probably brought on by the fact that i've been staying up til at least 1 am almost every night. the thing is, i just dont feel tired at night as much, more often than not, the reason i go to bed is because my mind tells me to, not my body. physically, i feel great, and its amazing. its sorta scary to think that my meds were changing me more than i thought they were. and it sorta seems like my ideas of myself are changing - the fact that i require exorbidant amounts of sleep and such. its sorta scary that i might not actually be who i thought i was.

today was the last official day of core, my youth group, for the summer, and for me as a high school student. its much like the end of school was. i will definitely miss people and things, but most of all i'll miss the experiences i had. but i recognize that although i'll miss people and may not see or talk to some of them ever again, even if i were to see them again, it wont be the same. we'll be at different points in our lives. it just wont be the same. so i can only put so much energy into being sad about leaving/moving on because i know that its inevitable and theres nothing that can change the fact that things change. as my friend told me today, i love change, the challenge of new and exciting things, but i hate to actually change. change goes against our human desire for

constant and stability and things that we know solidly. so. life goes on whether we like it or not. we go different places and talk to different places and do different things, but experiences from the past will always be there. and i'd rather remember those good times than morn the loss of control. after all, control is all an illusion anyway, the only one with true control is God. so. i'll lean on Him and know that He has my best in mind and go with the flow - the good and the bad.

this is not the end. its not the beginnning. its yet another sunrise of new opportunities. remarking at the day

to come, while looking back at yesterday, remembering the world continues to turn and change is constant.

awesome

So. I am down to one pill a day! :) Just one at night. And I still feel great! I feel better than I have in a long time. I feel like my social life is finally how I want it. And physically, I feel great, I feel up to anything, not tired all the time and such. I'm really excited about life. For a while, I wasnt really depressed, but I wasnt really excitable or anything, but now I feel like Ive made a 180 turn around or something. Its really great. I have that feeling where you wake up and feel like smiling, for no reason :) I feel like a flower coming into bloom. I feel better than I thought I could, going off my medicine and all. All I had heard were horror stories, but everything seems to be working out magnificently for me. :) And I feel really out of control, but happy about it. God is in control and I'm cool with it. :) I love life. :D

keep on keepin on

Life has been really good lately.  

I'm feeling less weird with my meds tapering.  Tomorrow morning I start another step down.  I'll be down to 2 pills a day - one in the morning and one in the evening.  Its sorta scary, yet liberating.  Oddly, I sorta miss swallowing a mouthful of pills two times a day...

At times, I've felt annoyed at the fact that I can't drive... and, being human, I badly want what I've been told I can't have...  It's like once you've been told you can't go out to eat, you start craving the food from your favorite restaurant.   I'm learning to deal with it, its just still annoying and every once in a while, I REALLY want to drive, alone, with the windows down and great music pumping at like dusk.  But, I must wait :(  I guess this is all a lesson in patience, as well as humility.

Most of the last year I've felt off.  I don't know how to explain it, just not right.  But I feel right again :)  I find myself happy and smiling for no reason.  I love it.  

I've had some good chill time with friends lately too.  I went to Carowinds with two of my best buds, Caroline and Lauren.  Oh, roller coasters are so much fun!

And I've made a really good, unexpected, but really great friend in the last week or two.  Unlike most people, I feel like I can talk to him whenever and I dont feel like I'm bothering him or anything.   And I feel like I can talk to him about like anything with him and not be weird or awkward.  He's really helped me just feel good about myself and be happy. :)  He's also helped me work down my required sleep... I feel like I have more energy lately (meds or otherwise)... and a few days this week, I've stayed up til 1 or 2 in the morning facebook chatting with him.  Thats definitely a skill I'm gonna need in college... :)  

Its sorta weird having no set things to do most days, but at the same time its wonderful.  Its just another instance of the condition of life - wanting badly to get to what's ahead, but also badly wanting to cherish the present and make it last.  Alas, time rolls on.  

Overall, life just feels good.  I'm excited to go to college and all, but I'm also really excited about this time of being excited and hanging with friends.  My lack of driving hasn't turned out to be as awful as I thought it might be... my friends and parents are really nice about giving rides :)  So yea. Life is just awesome :)

so far so good...

So, i'm down to 3 pills a day! :) I feel good too.  I even got to drive to youth group on sunday because my parents were going too and my dad was in the front seat... it just didnt feel the same though...

my stomach is being stupid, which could either be from the lack of meds or just because it does that...  and i feel a little jittery and weird, but that could be from the lack of meds, the fact that my stomach is mad and i'm not fully eating, or stress from going to college and going off the meds...  who knows.

one good 'side effect' though has been that i've felt more awake and sociable.  usually, if anything, i feel tired and introverted.  i've gotten less sleep lately, but felt better, and really felt like doing something and hanging out and talking with people.  i don't know if its the lack of meds, or just things changing and me preparing for college or something.  again, who knows.

from feeling so sociable, i've been having lots of fun.  there's always lots of parties after project serve, the missions trip i went on with my youth group, and usually i only go to one or two, but this year i went to them all.  and i had fun.  i've met some really cool people and had some really great conversations.  life just feels good.

if i ignore the weirdness of my physical body, which i'm pretty good at doing by now, i feel great - mentally, spiritually... just awesome.  

i'm really excited too, because tomorrow i'm going to carowinds for the day with a couple good friends of mine.  i'm really excited to scream and have lots of fun :)

so yea, so far, so good :)

weird

I have the weirdest mix of feelings right now.

I'm scared.

I'm worried.

I'm exhausted.

I'm hyper.

I'm restless.

I'm lonely.

I'm bored.

I'm unsure.

I'm wistful.

I'm shaky.

I'm happy.

What to I do when I feel all these at once?  I want to go out and do something ad be productive, but I also want to do nothing and be lazy.  My body is tired, but my mind is full of energy.  What to do... what to do...?