gotta love the fam

i love my mom. i love my dad. i love my sister. i love my friends. whenever i'm down, i can call on them and they'll remind me of who i am and to be myself, no matter what other people are doing. they remind me of why i'm here and that things don't happen overnight. they love me no matter what. they make me happy when i'm sad. yay for happiness with the present :)

college

So. I'm officially a college student. Wow. There's so many things to say. So far it has been good, a definite roller coaster, but good. I don't much care for being far from my family and not having my close friends near me. One minute I'm really excited and having fun, the next I really miss home and feel down. I'm afraid of the unknowns. What my school load will be, if I'll make friends, if I'll ever get used to this being on my own stuff, if I will ever really feel at home here, if I will ever be able to get decent sleep, the list goes on and on. I'm generally rather good at thinking positively, but its been really hard lately. Theres just so much going on. I know everything will work out and I'll get used to college and love it, but it really doesn't feel like that right now. I'm having a hard time remembering that stuff takes time, and that I'm not gonna automatically have awesome friends and have my schedule all figured out. I miss my parents/house/room/Greensboro a lot more that I thought I would. I knew I'd miss them, but it's really hard to not compare things/people here to the knowns back at home. I've been texting my sister and mom like everyday. Alot. I'm generally a shy person and I'm afraid I'm never gonna make any good friends. I don't know if its just because we're freshman in college or this is just the way Lenoir-Rhyne is and no one told me, but alot of people (freshman anyways) talk alot about going out and drinking and partying and stuff. And they swear a lot and sometimes are just disrespectful in general. I like to have fun and all, but that's just not me... I came to college to get an education, make friends, grow and have fun, but I'm not gonna compromise my health/sleep to go crazy. Thats just not my thing. I'm worried that there arent any other people like me that deeply believe in God and want to have fun but don't go crazy crazy. Don't get me wrong, I really like it here at LR, and I like my classes so far, but I don't know. I'm just really doubting everything a lot right now. I want to be strong, but it just isn't happening. I'm just so afraid. I'm a rather light sleeper, so any light or noise at night keeps me awake. My body feels like it's breaking down. It is not fond of the mental and physical stresses of college so far. I just can't see the light at the end of the tunnel right now. And I hate that I feel so bad. I really want to have fun and stuff. I just want my known world back. Everyone keeps saying that it'll get better and before I know it, it will feel like home. I just don't feel it happening. Maybe I shouldn't have gone off to college. :/

awkward

everything feels sorta awkward. i'm really excited to get to LR and organize my room and go to class and get to know people and meet Alyssa. but i'm also sad that i'm leaving my friends and family. so i'm trying to pack and get ready to leave. but also to see the people i'm not going to see for a while. but you don't want to see them too much and get attached, because you're leaving. so its all just awkward.

undetermined.

i've been without my meds for almost a solid week. it's interesting. sometimes i feel amazing. sometimes i feel icky. sometimes i just feel blah. sometimes i dont really feel anything. i dont know if its from the drugs, but i'm guessing it is, but my hands and feet/legs have been slightly tingly off and on, and my stomach is not real happy about anything. i feed it, and it gets mad. i don't feed it, and it gets mad. urg. and its annoying too, because i'll be feeling great, then randomly i feel crappy, then all the sudden i feel good again. like my body doesnt really know what to do with itself. i feel so undetermined...

on the more mental note... i feel undetermined too. its really starting to fully sink in that i'm leaving. i'm going to college. i wont be sleeping in my bed. i wont have my own bathroom. i wont have my parents with me. it's really really exciting, its like going on a new adventure and stuff. but its really really scary too. i dont know whats gonna happen. i dont know that a

nyone will like me or talk to me. but i feel like i'm ready and prepared. this summer especially, i've learned to trust God, and let things happen that i cant control. even though i feel ready and prepared and excited, it doesnt completely take away the scared/anxious feelings... one moment i'm super excited to go through all my stuff and figure out what i'm bring. the next i dont want to leave. the next i cant wait to decorate my dorm room. the next i start freaking out about how i'll get my work done and still have a social life and stay in touch with peo

ple not at L-R. i guess i just have to roll with the punches, and know that everythings gonna work out and not let it bother me that my brain/body is so indecisive. so undetermined.