love this

i really really liked this passage in the book i've read and have been skimming back over what i underlined. it's from Searching for God Knows What by Donald Miller. so i'm gonna share it :)

But what we really need is God. What we really need is somebody who loves us so much we don't worry about death, about our hair thinning, about other drivers pulling in front of us on the road, about whether people are poor or rich, good-looking or ugly, about whether we feel lonely or about whether or not we are wearing clothes. We need this; we need this so we can love other people purely and not for selfish gain, we need this so we can see everybody as equals, we need this so our relationships can be sincere, we need this so we can stop kicking ourselves for the first time, not by realizing some dream, but by being told who we are by the only Being who has the authority to know, by that I mean the Creator.

fall getaway '09

i'm back from fall getaway '09. it was really great. i'm not gonna lie, it felt sorta awkward at first, like on friday cause i'm used to knowing everyone and it being different (like from fall retreats in high school). but it got better. and better. and better. i had some good talks with people and got to know more LR people, and got to know some better. and learned that it's ok that i don't have like best friends yet. that i haven't quite found people i completely click with, that believe the same stuff i do, and have the same values, but is still really fun and great to be around. another thing God showed me through my quiet times next to the lake is that theres always something thats not quite right in your life. we're humans. we live in a fallen world. we will never be completely comfortable. whether its friends, or classes, or whatever, we're always gonna have problems. one of the things i learned from the speaker dude was about how even the people in the old testament knew about Jesus, like that he was gonna come, and they had salvation by believing in the coming Messiah. and all the different parts of the old testament that predict Jesus' coming and the details about it. it was really good. i learned stuff. both spiritually and socially. i'm definitely still challenged in many things. like friends, having to compromise with things esp in terms of sleep, not knowing how things are gonna play out, and more. i just have to trust in God and that whatever He wants will happen and it will all work out in the end. its just so hard though.

smoke detectors are evil

so. the smoke detector, right above my head when i'm laying on my bed, decided that it's battery would die last night. and so it started chirping loud and high. at the wonderful hour of 3am. so, i tried to fix it, to no avail, due to it taking a 9 volt battery and us not having any. so i went to the ra, who i feel really bad for waking up, but she didn't have a 9 volt either. so i got to listen to chirping on and off all night. yippee! (note the sarcastic voice) eventually it stopped chirping for good, like 6am... when i had to get up at 7:15... so amy did not get the sleep she needs last night. and, to top it off, while taking a much needed nap later today, the fire alarm went off cause someone went out the fire exit. yay for not getting enough sleep! and my joints being evil! yay!

i'm going on the fall getaway trip this weekend with Cru. i'm not gonna lie, i'm super excited. i always really enjoyed fall retreat in high school. i'm really excited to get to know people alot better and just have fun and stuff. and of course, learn more about God. ;)

so yea. life is great. except the sleeping department... which i'm surprisingly not going crazy about... maybe i'm becoming more flexible.. or i can just handle it once... who knows... :)

update...

so. i haven't talked about my medical state lately. so i thought i'd clue ya in ;)

neurologically. i've been completely drug-free (well, carbamazepine free) for like a month and a half! i've been good. i've been taking care of myself. it's actually sorta nice having a new start here at college. cause then i can just tell people straight out about it if i want. its not like awkward that i've known them for a while and just decided to tell them or whatever... and the whole not driving thing sorta gives me an excuse to tell people. not that i want to go screaming to everyone 'hey! i've got epilepsy! watch out!' but its nice knowing that people know and stuff. i'm not gonna try and hide it. i guess that comes with getting older and more confident and stuff... anyway. so yea. i've been feeling good. if i'm super tired or haven't eaten enough or something, every now and then i'll feel weird/off. it sorta freaks me out. but the couple times its happened is at night or something. i'm trying not to worry about it. it's really easy to be paranoid and think every little thing is something. but yea. even with all the stress and stuff, nothing big has happened. which makes me really really happy :) it gets annoying not being able to drive, but its worth it in the end... so yea. it's going good! yay! :)

physically. so. i thought that once i got off the carbatrol, all the joint crap would magically go away. it was not to be so. though my mom did say that she read it can take months for the symptoms to totally go away if it was drug-induced lupus... but yea. i dont think the heavy backpack and all the walking have helped things. and i've been exercising/being active quite a bit. more impact than my joints were used to over the summer... :) it's mostly been my knees, like usual. but my hips and shoulders have been a bit picky lately too. at this moment, my right knee is not happy. it's thankfully not swollen (yet anyway) but its to the point where it aches even if i'm not moving and it hurts to walk... :/ i took a relafen so hopefully i'll be able to sleep...

so yea. that's my medical update. still not perfect (though i highly doubt it ever will be), but good :)

worth it

so. life sucks sometimes. people are mean and annoying. you do bad on a test. you get stressed out. you don't get enough sleep. you're body rebels. there are plenty of things i could list about how sometimes, life just sucks and isnt fun.

but.

i've found that it's all worth it. all the crap is worth going through, for that one moment of happiness and peace. having a crappy day but after reading the Bible or whatever before going to bed, falling asleep knowing that you're loved and not in control, and being ok with it, welcoming the great power of God. having a super busy day but ending up with 15 minutes to just chill. even better, when you're worried about what you're going to do for those 15 minutes, a new friend comes by and talks with you. not just small talk, well it is small talk, but there's a sense of care and love in the conversation. they actually care about what you're saying, not just doing the obligatory 'hey how are you? i'm good. thanks'. and even having a good day, and someone passing you and saying hey. moments of feeling loved and happy and at peace. all the crap is worth it, if i can just have a few good moments. the great moments can last me a whole day.

(not to say that i wouldn't mind if there was less crap and more good times ;)

fear

i'm afraid.

that i won't succeed in school.

that i won't find the right church for me.

that i won't find good friends.

that i won't ever have a boyfriend.

that my faith is so closely related to where i first heard of it (Westover) that i won't be able to transfer my faith to Hickory, NC.

that something is wrong with me medically.

that i'll change beyond recognition.

that i won't influence others, but be influenced.

that people will stop giving me rides.

that i'll never be able to drive again.

that something bad happens.

that i'll never become comfortable.

that i won't hear when God speaks.

that no one cares about me.

that i will get depressed.

that i won't grow.

that i'll fail.

i'm afraid.

one step at a time

I've been in college 2 weeks! Although are definitely still times where I miss home and family and the knowns and my own room and stuff... more often than not, I love it here! :) This is definitely testing my patience though, I hate waiting for things! Slowly but surely, I've gotten to know more people, and more people better. And have become alot more comfortable around campus and in class and stuff. I'm actually starting to get homework, but nothing too awful yet. Of course, US Gov reading is the worse, but that's to be expected ;) I'm actually really enjoying Physics and Chemistry :) Sorta makes me feel like a nerd, but whatever... I've had both subjects before, so they're coming back to me. I actually sorta enjoy the homework... figuring things out and solving problems. It seems like a lot of people are having alot of trouble with them, so I might end up being the one that explains it to everyone... I don't mind helping people, but I can't explain everything to them... :/ This past week I've been to 4 different things associated with Campus Crusade for Christ. A cookout, tailgaiting, their weekly meeting, and bible study. Before I got to campus, I thought I'd do InterVarsity. I haven't actually tried it out yet, but I sorta don't really want to now. I love the people/atmosphere of Cru. It reminds me of Core, but with different people and slightly diff setup. I'm not gonna lie, I'm super excited to get more involved with Cru :) I tried out for the chapel choir, and would've done it, but can't this semester because of science labs interfering with times... :/ I'm also taking piano lessons once a week, which I'm excited about. The professor seems cool and I'm sure I'll learn alot from him. :) I tried out a church last weekend with one of my commuter friends. I liked it, alot better than the Lutheran one here on campus... I'm gonna try out another church this weekend, which I'm excited about :) I just did my first loads of laundry, which was super fun, as always ;) Theres so much thats been happening, I'm sure I'm forgetting stuff, but that's all I can think of right now... :) Yay for patience and progress! :)