life is a journey not a destination

christmas has come and gone. it was really nice though. we had a nice steak dinner grilled by poppy on christmas eve. christmas day was rainy and cold but we had a fire going in the fireplace all day. it really fit 'the weather out side is frightful but the fire is so delightful'... if only it was snow not just rain... oh well. one of the most exciting things i got that i wasnt expecting cause i didnt put it on my list was a gps. his name is george. hopefully he will help me and iris navigate good ol hickory. :) tomorrow is encounter! i probably wont pack til tomorrow cause i dont have to be there til 415, and its just across town. i'm really excited. i know generally fun/exciting/learning things like encounter or anything are more exciting/i learn/realize things more after the fact than during. i dont know why. but it always seems that way. like with project serve, i just seemed to realize what i learned/what happened and apply things more after i came home than during it. i'm still really excited though. :) i'm not really sure what it will be like, but i'm sure it will be awesome. so yea. its weird to think that winter break is like almost half over already. but i'm not gonna think about it. life is a journey not a destination.

free!

it snowed. it stayed. i got to go sledding with caroline. yay. we got our tree. it officially feels christmas time now. today i went to the neurologist. nothing has happened. so everything went well. he even said that i never have to come back. unless something happens. which i pray that nothing will happen. and. i can officially drive alone again! yay! i'm free! :D

come to me with your gaping emptiness

Come to Me with your gaping emptiness, knowing that in Me you are complete. As you rest quietly in My Presence, My Light within you grows brighter and brighter. Facing the emptiness inside you is simply the prelude to being filled with My fullness. Therefore, rejoice on those days when you drag yourself out of bed, feeling sluggish and inadequate. Tell yourself that this is a perfect day to depend on Me in childlike trust. If you persevere in this dependence as you go throught the day, you will discover at bedtime that Joy and Peace have become your companions. You may not realize at what point they joined you on your journey, but you will feel the beneficial effects of their presence. The perfect end to such a day is a doxology of gratitude. I am He from whom all blessings flow!

December 17th entry in Jesus Calling by Sarah Young.

break :)

slowly learning guitar. even more slowly developing calluses. :p

went skatin with caroline today :)

feeling better about break and gettin excited about encounter and illinois!

this song is stuck in my head.

by your side by tenth avenue north.

good lyrics.

why are you striving these days. why are you trying to earn grace. why are you crying. let me lift up your face. just don't turn away. why are you looking for love. why are you still searching as if i'm not enough. to where will you go child. tell me where will you run. to where will you run. and i'll be by your side. wherever you fall. in the dead of night. whenever you call. and please don't fight. these hands that are holding you. my hands are holding you. look at these hands and my side. they swallowed the grave on that night. when i drank the worlds sin. so i could carry you in. and give you life. i want to give you life. and i'll be by your side. wherever you fall. in the dead of night. whenever you call. and please don't fight. these hands that are holding you. my hands are holding you. cause i. i love you. and i want you to know. that i. i love you. and i'll never let you go. and i'll be by your side. wherever you fall. in the dead of night. whenever you call. and please don't fight. these hands that are holding you. my hands are holding you.

growin up is weird.

its weird growing up. whats normal now is not what was normal then. i'll be on break, at home, for 2 weeks. then i'll be back at school. then i'm probably going somewhere, not home, for spring break. and if the summer project thing happens, i'll be home for 2 weeks then gone then home 2 weeks then back to school. its so weird that i'm going to be home so little. when i was at school i was worried i was gonna be home too long. now that i'm home i'm worried i'm not gonna be home enough. its just weird. and like core was a big part of my life in high school. now its like nonexistent (im not in high school anymore though anyways...). but the day that college kids come back and talk, i'll be in illinois having christmas with my family... like i dont feel like i belong at core anymore anyways... and now instead of going on trips and doing stuff with core, i'm going places and doing stuff with cru. and i like cru. i feel like i belong and i feel like i'm learning stuff and growing. i know all of this is just part of growing up and stuff. it's just so weird. and its weird to think that i'm already done with my first semester of college. i feel like it's been a lifetime since i was in high school. but it also feels like its gone so quick. like barely anytime has passed since i was in high school. its all just so weird. i dont know how else to describe it. its not that its bad. but its not like great or anything. its just weird. and theres nothing i can do about it anyways... so i guess the best i can do is just live each day. things are gonna change. things are gonna be weird. things are gonna be not what i expected. but hey. that's life.

this reminded me of the song Tick Tock by Chris Rice:

got our heels dug in

time is draggin us toward

the time when time wont matter anymore

they say life is but a vapor

just a blip on the radar screen

not the dates on your tombstone

but the dash in between

theres just a day

thats all we've got

tick tock the past is locked

the futures far away

can't go back

can't hurry it up

gotta learn to live today

tick tock its now o'clock

the little hand is ours

the second hand sweeps us around

the big hand has the power

well i'm livin or am i dyin

will the world get another day

i hear a baby cryin

and i pluck out another gray

i'm always talkin about a change

but talkings all i've done

i'm gonna start tomorrow

but tomorrow never comes

theres just a day

thats all we've got

tick tock the past is locked

the futures far away

can't go back

can't hurry it up

gotta learn to live today

tick tock its now o'clock

the little hand is ours

the second hand sweeps us around

the big hand has the power

always runnin late

don't procrastinate

even in a hurry life is rollin on

give me just a second

wait another minute

sleep another hour

see another day dawn

i'll call you next week

see ya in a month

celebrate a season

now another years gone

well there goes a decade

a century, millenium

and here comes eternity, eternity, eternity

here comes eternity, eternity

whats up with eternity

yea

tick tock the past is locked

the futures far away

can't go back

can't hurry it up

gotta learn to live today

tick tock its now o'clock

the little hand is ours

the second hand sweeps us around

the big hand has the power

this moment.

lets not think about yesterday.

lets not think about tomorrow.

lets think about today.

this moment.

yes.

remember what has happened.

ponder tomorrow.

but don't think too much.

cherish this moment.

it will be gone before you know it.

thank God for today.

this moment.

tomorrow will come soon enough.

fog

its really foggy here. i rather like it. since i dont have to drive in it or anything i can just enjoy its beauty. :) tomorrow i get to get up bright and early to go take my religion exam at 8 then my chem exam at 1030. then lunch and chilling/packing until my mother arrives to get me. i'm still definitely having mixed feelings about going home for break and not being here for a month. i'm definitely more excited about it now than i was a week ago... i'm excited to sleep and be home and just chill and then encounter and grandma and grandpas and christmas. so yea. bed soon then finals then homeward bound! and hopefully when i come home from break i'll have iris! :D

i dont wanna go through the motions

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break,
At least I'll be feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of life

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

No regrets, not this time
I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind
Let Your love make me whole
I think I'm finally feeling something
'Cause just okay is not enough
Help me fight through the nothingness of this life

'Cause I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

take me all the way (take me all the way)
take me all the way ('cause I don't wanna go through the motions)
take me all the way (I know I'm finally feeling something real)
take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

I don't wanna go through the motions
I don't wanna go one more day
without Your all consuming passion inside of me
I don't wanna spend my whole life asking,
"What if I had given everything,
instead of going through the motions?"

Take me all the way (take me all the way)
Take me all the way (I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go)
Take me all the way (through the motions)
Take me all the way

I don't wanna go through the motions

The Motions by Matthew West

i'm the good girl. and i'm ok with that. in this situation.

first exam over. us gov. not bad. now i get to chill and study until monday. monday is religion and chemistry exams. not really worried about religion. need to study alot for chem. but i'm not stressing too bad. at least not yet. ;) today consisted of gov exam, a nap, food, work, and chilling. soon i'll be going to their annual 'midnight pancake breakfast', which starts at 1030. i wonder if they'll actually have pancakes... :) tomorrow is lookin to be pretty chill. sleeping in. studying chem. hopefully be able to get some socializing in. and lots of chilling. :)

today we were walking back from dinner. katie mentioned she was having trouble walking. i was saying how earlier this morning i kept like being unbalanced and kept running into the bathroom wall. and i said something along the lines that it wasnt like i was drunk or anything, that the late lacking of sleep was having its effect. ellen started laughing and said something along the lines that it would ever be in question whether i was sober or not. it was funny, but when i think about it, it was flattering in a sense. i have created a reputation for myself. and people here at college notice. i dont drink. when i do party, it's like a cru party or a weird random movie party that consists of dressing funny for halloween and baking cookies. im sure some people think that you cant really be in college if you dont drink and party crazy and stuff. i do party crazy, just a different kind of crazy... ;) along the same lines, i've developed the reputation of my sleep habits. unlike the vast majority of college students, i go to bed at 10 or 11 sunday-thursday night. and on friday and saturday night, when i know i'll get to sleep in, i still dont go to bed after 1... excluding other circumstances like going to scarowinds and such... ;) to sort of excuse my early bedtime i've set myself, i have 820 classes everyday. and will next semester. its not bad, as long as i get my sleep (hence the 10pm bedtime). so yea. i have a reputation. maybe a bad one in some people's eyes. i dont drink or party like a crazy college student. i dont smoke. i go to sleep early but i get up relatively early (partly because i have to and am in the habit now). i like sleep. my health is important to me, what i can control of it. with this epilepsy think i've got (which while reading my book today, realized that if i lived in the olden times, i would probably be put in some sort of institution...) i need to take care of myself if i'm not going to take medicine and if i'm gonna not have seizures. i know theres no way for me to guaranteedly not have them, but doing things and taking care of myself helps curb them. so yea. not getting sleep deprived and not drinking are elements of this. stress and sleep deprivation are my two main triggers. so i'm going to avoid them. if you knew something could very potentially hurt you, why would you do it? and drinking doesnt help either. since i've never gotten drunk or anything, i cant know for sure for my body in specific. but alcohol is another known seizure trigger. if i was on medicine, i shouldnt drink cause it'd mess with the drugs. but i've pretty much decided for myself that i'm not gonna drink. like at all. it doesnt have any appeal to me anyways. wine is disgusting (yes i have tasted it. and yes it was 'good' wine, from a french vineyard. but it was still disgusting...) beer is disgusting. it just doesn't appeal to me at all and if it could potentially hurt me... i just dont have the desire at all to drink. and i'm not the kind of person (or at least i'd hope i'm not) to just do something that i dont want to do, just because society and people do it. i'm totally ok and happy with my reputation. its good that people know this about me. because when they know that i wont drink and that i go to bed early, they wont pressure me to do things i dont want to do or be disappointed. i can have fun and lead a wonderful life without drinking or staying up til 3 every morning. so yea. i'm totally ok with being the good girl in this situation... :)

a love more faithful than the morning.

come close listen to the story. about a love more faithful than the morning. the Father gave His only Son just to save us. the earth was shaking in the dark. all creation felt the Fathers broken heart. tears were filling heavens eyes. the day that true love died. when blood and water hit the ground. walls we couldn't move came crashing down. we were free and made alive. the day that true love died. search your heart. you know you cant deny it. come on. lose your life just so you can find it. the Father gave His only Son just to save us. the earth was shaking in the dark. all creation felt the Fathers broken heart. tears were filling heavens eyes. the day that true love died. when blood and water hit the ground. walls we couldn't move came crashing down. we were free and made alive. the day that true love died. now. Jesus is alive. He is alive. He rose again. when blood and water hit the ground. walls we couldn't move came crashing down. we were free and made alive. the day that true love died. come close listen to the story.

friends and family

PTL for amazing friends and family. they make me happy when i am sad. they cheer me up and remind me of things i need to remember. like to take things one day at a time. and its ok to be sad/mad/whatever but once you let it ride out, make a u-turn and think positive. music helps too. like when it reminds me that God makes all things work together for my good. but yea. PTL for happiness that God puts in my life when I need it most!

p.s. for those of you who don't know (i.e. not someone in my bstud/cru here at LR), PTL stands for Praise The Lord! :) yay Christen! ;)

i need to learn how to procrastinate more. i need to learn to not have time management. maybe then i'd have fun. it's finals week which equals everyone studying their butts off and not taking any breaks and having projects they left til the last minute to do. and here i am. i dont have any big projects. classes ended today. i can't study THAT much. i'm not gonna study til tomorrow. and at that, i'm not gonna study all day. but that seems to be what everyone else is doing for the rest of the semester. so of course now that no ones available, i really want to do stuff and be social. but its not gonna happen. it is oh so annoying. i need to learn to be a real college student i guess. at the moment i'd rather learn how to procrastinate then end up in my room alone crying with nothing to do for days.

things are happenin...

so. i have decided. i am applying to go to Gatlinburg for 9 weeks this summer. i'm really excited. various things went into my decision, but it really came down to me feeling called more to Gatlinburg. when i think about spending summer in the smoky mountains i get a lot more excited than when i think about spending summer in nyc. and i figure God has put this excitment/desire in my heart for a reason! so yea. i'm decided! and i'm almost done with the application. and since i dont have anything to do today before dinner, i can work on finishing it!

also. today is my last day of tuesday/thursday classes for this semester! i'm excited cause i dont much care for my tuesday/thursday classes... boring religion... icky gov't... stupid freshman seminar... but they're done except finals! and i'm not gonna count finals as going to class... ;)

so yea. right now things are workin out again :) going to see a christmas choir concert and a bonfire tonight too! :D

bored awkwardness

it is officially finals week. this means life has just gotten even more awkward and weird. everyone else in the world seems to have a whole lot to study and do before finals on fri, sat, mon and tue. and i of course am the odd one with just 3 exams, of which i can only study so much and if i dont know it by now i doubt i will by finals. and i have no big projects or papers. but everyone else does. and of couse now that everyone is crazy busy, i'm being extroverty and wanting to hang out and do stuff... so here i sit in my room, without really anything to do but wish i had something to do. its rather aggrivating. on top of all this finals week stuff, theres the fact that the semester is ending and in a week i'll be home. i'll be home for a whole month (4 whole weeks!). part of me is excited by this fact, in that i wont have any school work to do and i'll get to do whatever i want and hang out with friends. the other part of me is frightened and worried about this. what am i gonna do with myself for a whole month!? though one week of that i'll be at encounter and another week of it i'll be in illinois/indiana. but still. what am i gonna do for two whole weeks? without any work or anything. and its just sorta weird being home after being used to being here. cause its weird being there at first and then i get used to it and then its weird to be back here... and i sorta kinda feel like i'm two different people, like the person i am when i'm home and the person i am when i'm here. they're not radically different, but theres definite differences. and if i'm afraid about the length of xmas break, whatever will i do with myself for 3 whole months (14 weeks!)? and then that brings up the whole summer project issue again, but i'm not gonna talk about that AGAIN.

so yea. i feel like things wont feel normal again until a couple weeks into next semester when my new classes feel normal. i hate not knowing what to expect/do. it bugs me. it's like that time in between seasons where you dont really know what to wear. so in addition to my weird bipolarness of happy/sad of late, i've added this element of blah/excitement over the end of the semester/break...

but also. theres the whole debate or whatever on what exactly normal is. everyday is different. though many have similar elements, making them 'normal', they're all different. little things change all the time. usually they're gradual so we dont really notice. so big changes like break and such seem so much less normal. but really change is normal. there is no way to measure how normal something is or isnt... so i'm trying to not focus on whether today or tomorrow or the next month or next year will be 'normal'. i'm gonna take each hour, each day, each month in time. of course i'll plan ahead for stuff. but just be free. try to bring God glory and praise everyday. tomorrow will come too soon and yesterday is gone forever. why not live in the right now? even if its amazingly boring and awkward.

oh gosh

so i went to trinity today with debord. i liked it. it made me happy and i really liked the worship and the whole service. now to decide whether to go there or to corinth... i'm gonna go another time or two to trinity though.

and. im still undecided about summer project. NYC or Gatlinburg? NYC is shorter and focused on college students and straight evangelizing. Gatlinburg is longer and more focused on international students and evangelizing through your restaurant job. i go back and forth every often. i want to grow and do what God wants me to do. but i dont know if he wants me to grow and push myself in sharing my faith directly like in NYC, or more subtly but being away from home longer like in Gatlinburg. ah!

i just gotta pray that God will make one or the other (in both choice i have to make) clearly the right choice. ah!

the other part of the oh goshness of this post is oh gosh at life. it is such a roller coaster. at the moment i'm just really happy. like i dont know how to describe it but i know it could only come from God. i'm just so happy and content and ready to do anything. i'm totally fine with being alone tonight cause everyone else is doing homework and such. life is just amazing! :)

broke.

i am broken. i am human. i can try my best to be perfect and all that jazz. but its never gonna work. i am always gonna be broken in some way. it is the human condition. dont get me wrong. i'm still gonna aspire to be what God wants and such. but i will keep in mind that i am human and everyone of us are broken and will fail and make mistakes. but im totally ok with being broken. because God loves me so much and sees me through Jesus, as perfect, even with all these flaws. i dont know about you, but that takes such a weight off. even when i try really hard, i am going to mess up. but its ok. i'm human. i live in a broken world.

speaking of flaws, i have come to further realize one of mine. i am sensitive and overanalyze pretty much everything. if someone acts the least bit weird to me, i automatically think its my fault or that they dont really like me or whatever. it never seems to pass through my mind that they could just be having a bad day or something... it's really rather annoying. because i overanalyze something (esp people) and then i'm sensitive so it compounds into me feeling like i'm the problem in almost every situation. but i also have the flaw of pride, like every human does. though i can be really introvert and sensitive, i can be really prideful. neither of these really show much on the outside (at least from my point of view...). but its like a constant battle in my mind. between thinking everything is my fault and thinking that i am better than everything. i focus on other peoples faults without recognizing my own, which are just as bad. so yea. i am broken. but like i said before, its all good in the end....

i liked MK's mirror yesterday, it got broken but she glued it back together and kept it to remind her that no ones perfect...

this goes along with the title, but has nothing to do with what i talked about above. i am a college student. this automatically equates into being constantly broke or very tight on money. so. for christmas i'm going the cheaper but possibly more meaningful route. im just gonna make cards and write meaningful personal things inside and add some candy... from the heart, but not so much from the wallet. but i think thats ok. and i'd rather do something thats meaningful ya know? anyway. so yea.

obsessed.

i have come to realize that i easily become obsessed with things.

people.

games.

food.

thoughts.

clothes.

songs.

languages.

books.

states of mind.

the list goes on...

its probably not really very healthy... :/

i get obsessed with someone/something and i find myself often thinking about it... and then usually with time, i stop obsessing. this time can range from like a day to a month or two...

example. tetris. i think debord suggested it and i found this free tetris site. and for a good 3 weeksish, if i had spare time in my room with lily i'd play tetris. similar thing with trefoil solitaire. unfortunately it also happens with people. esp if i like someone and think they're cool and nice and such but dont really know them and sorta gradually or all of the sudden we're friends. i find myself often thinking about them and what they think and what they're doing and if they'll ever answer my message and if i'm being too annoying. one bad thing about sorta obsessing over people is that i get it in my head somehow that they love me and want to do stuff with me and all that jazz... but then usually within a week or two i realize i've overanalyzed and they do the same things they did for me for other people too. i realize i'm probably not really that special in their life and i get sad. its really rather annoying...

i think the people obsessing part has to do with my low selfesteem. cause when i find out someone i look up to actually cares and stuff about me, i get excited. i feel like someone actually cares. dont get me wrong. i know lots of people love and care about me. but its that thrill of knowing someone you thought was too good for you wants to know you.

the games and such.. i dont know..

and its pretty easy to see why one could sorta become obsessed with thoughts or a state of mind that makes you happy or excited or whatever. why wouldn't you wanna keep a good thing going?

anyway. so yea. i probably shouldn't drink or smoke (not that i was planning to do either, like ever) cause i might become obsessed/addicted.

to some extent this is all human. but i still feel sorta convicted about it because a big part of it is probably my low selfesteem and not feeling important and having to have something to attatch to. but if i need something to attatch to, i should attatch to Jesus. i wouldn't mind becoming obsessed with God and Jesus and their unfailing love and such. if i have to be obsessed with something, that's prob the best thing... i sorta feel like i'm getting there which is exciting. so yea. theres one of amy's character flaws... ;)

oh motivation, where have you gone?

so. lately (like the last week or two) i've felt like i've been in a spiritual rut of sorts. not a major one, but a pothole none the less... anyways. i've jumped out of that. but. that has ha consequences. before, i didnt really feel that motivated to do my work cause i just didnt feel like doing it and the semester is coming to a close and studying is so much less fun than homework, in my opinion anyway. well. now i'm motivated. but not to do schoolwork still. i still dont feel like studying. but i feel like sitting in my room, soaking in God's word, listening to great music and just feeling His presence. but studying and school work must still be done. blech.

and. thanks to the crazies of the end of the semester, theres the finals, weekly meetings are stopping, extra meetings and things are happening. my usual schedule is just messed up. its annoying. so now i often feel like i should be doing something or i should be somewhere or something... but more times than not, when i think through it, i dont. but its still minory nervewracking. blech.

though school crap is annoying, life is still awesome. :)

so much for my sad song

The first thought through my sleepy head
When I fell outta my bed is I hope the sky is gray
I'm gonna write a sad song today
So I make up my mind, slip on my shoes
I'm gonna pick up a paper and read the news
'Cause I'm sure to find enough blues to write my sad song

But when I open the door and the sun spills through
Takes away my breath and I think of you
And the only blues to hit my eyes
Are those beautiful blues in the clear blue sky

So much for my sad song
So much for my sorry attitude
Let's make this a love song instead
'Cause I'm so in love with you

Come on, let's go out and play
Save the sad song for another day
No time for tears, I'm wearing a smile
So much for my sad song
So much for my sad song

So I pick up the news like I said I would
Drop my jaw right where I stood
'Cause the headline reads, "All the news is good
Because love is on the way"

And love floods the world right before my eyes
Everybody is dancing and slapping hi fives
And such beautiful music fills the sky and we all sing along
And now I snap out of my daydream
And I can't believe how real it seems

But I keep on dancing anyway
It's turning out to be a beautiful day

Sometimes I measure my day
By how many things go my way
And when things go wrong I usually get mad
But this time I'm glad my song didn't turn out sad

So that fits me like perfectly right now. The last couple days I've just been blah. Coming back to school after a break is always weird. The cold and cloudy weather doesnt exactly help either. I've just felt so lost. Like nothing seemed to work out how I wish it would. But we're changing that.

Talking with DeBord def helped. I'm going to think positive and be patient. I keep expecting things to happen all of the sudden. But life doesnt work like that. Never really has. So yea. Its rather hard to explain... but I just feel happy and so much better. :D