here. now.

this song came on and it made me think. that love (and purpose and everything God is) is here! now! i may not (ever) have things completely figured out, but that's not the point. i wish i weren't so human and did not constantly forget about God's love and promises.

come to the water you who thirst and you'll thirst no more. come to the Father you who work and you'll work no more. and all you who labor in vain. and to the broken and shamed. love is HERE. love is NOW. love is POURING from his hands from his brow. love is NEAR. it SATISFIES. streams of mercy FLOWING from his side. cause love is HERE.come the treasure you who search and you'll search no more. come to the lover you who want and you'll want no more. and all you who labor in vain. and to the broken and shamed. love is HERE. love is NOW. love is POURING from his hands from his brow. love is NEAR. it SATISFIES. streams of mercy FLOWING from his side. and to the bruised and fallen, captives bound and broken hearted. he is the lord. he is the lord. by his strips he's paid our ransom. from his wounds we drink salvation. he is the lord. he is the lord. love is here. love is now. love is pouring from his hands from his brow. love is near. it satisfies. streams of mercy flowing from his side. cause love is here.

-love is here by tenth avenue north.

purpose

i want my life to have purpose, meaning. why do i keep searching? its right here. i have purpose. purpose far greater than i could probably imagine. because i am part of something far bigger than myself. to show God and his glory and praise Him. thats such a huge purpose. why do i keep thinking and acting as if i have none? why do i look at others and admire their purpose and beauty and knowledge, wishing i had some myself? why can't i acknowledge and see my own divine purpose and beauty and knowledge? not that i'm some kind of god or anything, but i have God in and through me. why can't i see it? what is it that stops me from truly seeing myself? what is it that makes me think that others have it so much more together than me? why can't i just see myself the way He sees me?

i'm sure theres a complex web of things that contribute to this. my selfish, prideful nature. this world. my not so hot self-confidence. i could go on and on about my faults and the things that hinder me from truly seeing and realizing my own purpose and place. and theres no way i could ever fix them all, no matter how hard i try or want. so i guess this is where i try my best and leave it up to Him. theres just such a tricky balance of whether you're doing everything you can and leaving the rest up to Him, or you're trying so hard and don't really believe He'll make things change, or if you're not really trying at all and hoping things magically happen.

and theres the balance with discovering things about yourself and this life and such... to realize how awful you are and get mad at yourself, or to just brush it off and not really recognize it, or to realize it and be annoyed but work to change it.

oh, life is so complicated...

*By now I could've lifted my hand and struck you and your people with a plague to wipe you off the face of the earth. But I have spared you for a purpose - to show you my power and to spread my fame throughout the earth. -Exodus 9:15-16

*God designed each of us with five purposes in mind: worship, fellowship, discipleship, ministry, and missions.

*It's not about you. The purpose of your life is far greater than your own personal fulfillment, your peace of mind, or even happiness. It's far greater than your family, your career, or even your wildest dreams and ambitions. If you want to know why you were placed on this planet, you must begin with God. You were born by his purpose for his purpose.

note: i'm not sure where the last two points came from... i have a bad habit of copying and pasting something i like and that inspires me into a little sticky note thing, but not noting where it came from...

is there such a thing as too productive?

is there such a thing as being too productive? too good at time management? i feel like there might be. and i feel sometimes like i am. i dont know. it just always seems like everyone else is super busy with life and especially school, and im not. i mean some days i have stuff to do almost the whole day, but i don't feel like i'm busy. like i still have an hour here and there to relax or whatever. and none of the stuff i'm busy with is painful... like i like all my classes and work and cru and church stuff... idk. maybe i'm just too good at time management, getting my homework done in a timely manner so i can have time to chill. i'm not at all saying i don't procrastinate, cause i do! but i guess with my conscience, i can only procrastinate so much... like if something's due tuesday, i'll procrastinate on doing it until sunday afternoon, unlike leaving it til monday night like most. i guess it goes back to my need for sleep and relaxing and keeping that a priority. and i guess i don't constantly think 'man! i'm busy! i'm stressed!' i just go with the flow and get things done that need to get done. part of me feels like i should put something more in my schedule so i'm busier. but i really don't want to. i really don't want to stress myself out if i dont have to, especially with my body's known record for reactions to stress.. i'm content with my balance of business and time to relax and chill and hang out in the evenings and weekends. so then i just get annoyed at everyone else for being so tired and busy and not time efficient. i guess this all goes with my weird personality and moods... being perfectly fine alone and with nothing to do at one time, but another, having a desperate feeling/need to hang out, be with people, be social to some extent. and of course it always happens that when my mood swings in the social direction, thats when everyones busy... maybe it's just the wanting what you can't have syndrome... :p

don't concentrate on concentrating.

it doesn't work. the more you try to force things, the worse they end up. this applys to SO MANY areas of life! i can't think of an area it doesn't. piano. art. relationships. knowledge. growth. love. beauty. everything. my piano teacher and i were talking about this today, in relation to piano. its true! the more you think 'i have to get these notes, this rhythm...', the harder it is to get it right. i know that when i play my best, when i realize at the end of the piece, 'wow. that was great.', is when i wasn't really thinking the whole time. i mean, obviously neurons were firing enough to make my fingers move how they did... but i dont know. its like this alternate form of reality almost. you get in the zone, and stop thinking and analyzing everything, and its awesome. i could go on forever how this applys to relationships with people, your relationship with God, your growth and knowledge. the more you force it, the less it seems to work. now heres where it gets tricky. theoretically and practically it all checks out and makes perfect sense. however. to actually do it is another thing. this seems to be my problem a lot lately... i know the truth and what should really happen or how to go about things (like the condition of my heart and keeping my life's focus on God...) but it gets tricky when it comes to living it out. i guess this sorta ties into the whole letting go thing. ive been noticing alot lately too how everything is intertwined. everything connects to eachother. its amazing. anyways, you obviously can't go around thinking 'i need to stop concentrating on concentrating', cause then you'd be concentrating on trying to not concentrate on concentrating. (if you followed that... ;) so thats a dead end. so i think the answer, again, is to just LET GO and STOP THINKING. gosh, i know how hard that is, especially for a logical person like me! i can't think my way out of this one. i can't even really work my way out either... i know that i am capable, its just the matter of it actually happening! the only way i can really make it all work, is to PRAY. God can make it work, HE can give me the freeness (yes that is a word), the thoughtless thinking, the joy! man. it seems like the more i think about and discover deep things like this, the more i realize that i CANT do it alone! i NEED Him to help me and guide me. through Him, i am capable of anything! God, that I could give up control to You so that You could accomplish Your purpose in me!

rest.

rest. we all need it, whether we'd like to think so or not. our bodies, our minds, our souls can't continuously go 24/7, 365 days a year. it just doesn't work like that. in this world, especially this society, its so hard to just rest. to have chill time. alone. without the many distractions. to not be 'productive'. but really... when we rest, we ARE being productive. we are doing ourselves good. i know that if i rest, i'm more productive when i start going again. i think we all could learn to rest better. just stop moving. turn off the noise. and when you rest, you make yourself more open to Him. how could we effectively listen to what He is whispering through and into our lives when we have everything else turned up so loud? turning off the noise could be various things. actually making it quiet, stopping the sound waves. or just relaxing. or making less commitments. or quieting your mind. we all need to rest physically, mentally and spiritually. resting and turning off the noise doesnt necessarily mean you have to go sit in a room in the dark and quiet and alone. i know for me, rest can take the form of painting or piano... it gives me mental rest. my quiet time, alone and quiet and almost in the dark, before i go to bed... gives me spiritual rest. sleep, relaxing, chilling... physical rest. rest looks like different things for different people. take time to just rest. slow down. turn down the noise.

let go

yea i trust in you. i remember times you led me. this time it's bigger now. and i'm afraid you'll let me down. but how can i be certain? will you prove yourself again? cause i'm about to let go and live what i believe. i can't do a thing now but trust that you'll catch me when i let go. when i let go. what is this doubt in me? convincing me to fear the unknown when all along you've shown your plans are better than my own. and i know i wont make it if i do this all alone. cause i'm about to let go and live what i believe. i can't do a thing now but trust that you'll catch me when i let go. let go and live what i believe. i can't do a thing now but trust that you'll catch me. cause i'm about to let go and live what i believe. i can't do a thing now but trust that you'll catch me when i let go. when i let go. when i let go.

-let go by barlow girl

i especially like the 'what is this doubt in me? convincing me to fear the unknown when all along you've shown your plans are better than my own' part. so often i worry about what i dont know. i really need to trust Him and LET GO. let go of worrying about what this world thinks of me. let go of worrying about the future. let go of myself. trust that He will catch me. He will carry me. He will make everything work out when i just give him control! as humans we so want control. we want to control the outcomes of everything, other's thoughts about us. i know this has been a reoccuring theme the last month or so. but i've just been thinking about it A LOT. how much i let other people and things impact my mood or behaviors. i let things other than God control me. i am here to please and bring glory to Him and have a personal relationship with Him. it's not about whether things work out how i plan or whether i feel included in different friend groups. the more i think about it, the more i realize just HOW MUCH i live of this world instead of just in it. on sunday at church they talked about how when you live in darkness, you don't know it.. you don't realize how bad you are, how apart from God you are. i guess its the opposite... the less you live in darkness, the more you know and the more you realize how dark you are. its weird. it's disappointing and upsetting. but at the same time it's uplifting and inspiring. when you realize how sinful and worldly you are, you can know what to change, what to do... the more helplessly broken you feel, the closer you have to pull to Him. i guess i'm just at a weird place right now. feeling spiritually enlightened but utterly broken and sadly worldly. i can work on myself and try to think less worldly and all that. BUT the only way things can really truly change is with God's help. pray. expect. live. love.

ya know

i am not what i do.
i am not what others think of me.
i am not what i have.
i am not perfect.

i want to be overflowing with Him.
i want to be confident.
i don't want it to be a me thing.
i want it to be a God thing.
i want to be focused on Him.
i want to grow.
i want to obey.
i want to know.
i want to abide in Him.
i want to let God love me.
i refuse to let the world corrupt me.
i don't want to be afraid.
i want to love others like He's loved me.

i often want the world.

i often let it own me.
i don't want to be owned by this world.
i want to enjoy what i have.
i don't want to want what i don't have.
i want to live my life for Him.
i don't want to worry.
i want to reflect God's glory.
i will fail.
i am free to fail.
i am loved.
i am beautiful.
i am known intimately.
i am broken.
i am not alone.
i will struggle.
i will be tempted.
i am prideful.
i don't want to prideful.
i can be self-destructing.
i don't want to be self-destructing.

i wish for worldly things.

i wish i didn't wish worldly things.

i am human.

i am trapped in this world of sin.

i want to be perfect.

i won't be perfect.

i am an oxymoron.

i want this world.

i want Him.

i wish i didn't want this world.

i can't serve this world and Him.

i choose Him.

i still struggle.

i don't realize what i have.

i want love.

i have love.

i want to find God's love in every little tiny detail.

i need Him.

i am.

i want.

i need.

but ya know,
it's not about me.
it's not about you.
it's about God.

He loves me.

and that's all that really matters.

Him.

my body might just be revolting

i think my body doesn't like me. it's just always not been the happiest camper. i had ear infections all through my childhood, including ruptured eardrums... so i've got eustachian tube dysfunction... then of course youve got all the bumps and bruises and stitches of my childhood, thats not too weird though. and then my stomach/digestive system has never really been very happy. i can eat one thing and it be completely happy and fine and a week later (or even the next day!) i can eat the same thing and pay for it. i'll blame my parents for that one. then my brain doesn't always behave itself... with the whole firing neurons when it's not supposed to thing... and then theres all these other random things wrong with me. you've got my super tight hamstrings and my nonexistent foot arches which results in me not really being able to point my feet and giving me cramps when i try. and my nonexistent wisdom teeth and bottom twelve-year-old molars. and the weird things that the inside of my mouth does, weird painful bumps on my cheeks and palates and everyonce in a while under my tongue. my super sensitivity to hot things (esp eating them). the weird itchy sorta painful bump things on my toes that have recently developed. my weird little toe that hides under the other (though it has flattened out some over the years...). and my super weird joints not liking me. starting with that weird random inflammation and fluid buildup in my knee for no known reason. and my knees and hips and sometimes ankles and shoulders just being mean and not appreciating things. part of me thinks that alot of these things are all symptoms of some random rare disease and that they all fit together somehow (specifically the seizures, joint crap, and the weird bumps in my mouth and on my toes..) i dont know. i just have this feeling that theres something that ties them together... but ya know.. i guess all these weird random things make me who i am and have shaped my personality and thoughts to some extent... and i know that God has a reason for my body to be so weird...

oh, and my feet are huge and i'm rather tall (well only 5'9", but almost all my friends are shorter than me...) i'll blame that on my dad though ;)

balance?

so the past few days have been rather amazing. i've def had my not good moments, but pretty much every day when i'm getting ready for bed, i can't help but think 'this was a great day'. they've had their socialness, their aloneness, their productiveness and their laziness... i don't know. i've just felt at peace and chill. im having my inner struggles and such, but God is bringing me through things and teaching me more and more. its really rather weird. it's like i'm unstressed enough to be chill and open to things. but have enough things going on in my mind and such that i'm not just skating along. i don't know. its just been a happy medium. i'm not so chill and everythings not completely working out according to my plan so i can't depend on myself to get things done. i have to depend and rely on Him. yet i haven't been so busy that the only thing i can think about is getting my work done and how I am gonna get it all done, not realizing that i need to rely on Him. and i think i realize that this has been a rather great last week, but that it's not necessarily going to last. life will get busy. life will get boring. life is like the weather, constantly changing, with seasons but it's random oddities. so i realize this isn't necessarily going to last and am trying to soak it all in. there is a purpose for everything, so i don't doubt i will get some lesson or something out of this, even if it's just a chill week of contented peace. i guess i just feel like even if things get awful, it will all be ok because i know that God will get me through and i've really just been experiencing Him personally lately. maybe this is the period of balance i've been praying for. not necessarily balance in the area i was hoping, but balance none the less. and i'm gonna take it. and try my best to reflect His glory in everything i do. :)

weird

i'm not sure how this really happened, but i feel beat, just exhausted. but the thing is that this past week has been really rather chill for me. almost everyday i've had a canceled class or class let out early. no huge tests or big stressors. haven't really done much. yet i'm still tired and feel just beat. physically, mentally, emotionally. the way i would after a hard long week. but i haven't had a hard long week. i've had a simple easy week. i hope this doesnt jinks anything... anyways. and this weekend is prob gonna be really chill again too cause pretty much everyone is leaving, either going home or whereever. part of me is excited to just chill and not really have anything to do. but the other part of me wants things to happen, wants to be social and have fun. i don't want to wish away this time of rest or anything... it's just weird, esp since it seems like everyone else is having super busy crazy weeks. i guess that's part of why i just feel sorta cut off. even when i am with people, they're tired from being so busy and don't really want to do anything. and i'm weirdly tired... :/

lent.

so lent starts tomorrow. i wanted to give something up this year, but i couldn't figure out what. alot of people i know are going to give up coffee or tea or soda... but i don't drink any of that anyways... but i wanted to give something up. something that would be a challenge... i wasn't gonna give up coffee when i don't ever drink it anyways... my mom mentioned giving up my car, but since i've already had to do that... i thought about chocolate or facebook... but facebook is rather useful and i don't waste time on it that that much... and chocolate i feel like would just be evil for the amount of chocolate things i have in my room... girl scout cookies... cookie dough... m&ms... so. and then i thought about meat. i don't really eat all that much ham or beef or turkey. but i do eat quite a bit of chicken. like i probably have it every day. so i'm giving up chicken for lent. i'm gonna observe the tradition of the sabbath (sunday) being free... so monday - saturday starting tomorrow... no chicken for me! it's gonna be hard, as i eat it often. i've decided that chicken broth would be ok though, like if i get sick and want chicken noodle soup, i'll eat it just not the chicken chunks ;) so yea! i know i can do it, but i know i'm gonna be surprised at how much chicken i eat! :o



p.s. i've decided that in addition to allowing chicken on sundays, i'll allow myself to eat it in dire circumstances, such as being out to eat and there being no other options or something. or like on spring break, if the one meal they make is chicken, i'll eat it. but if there is any way i can not eat it, i'm not going to. i think part of why i want to give it up is because i do eat so much of it, but also to force me to broaden my tastebuds/horizons... ya know, try stuff i usually wouldn't but may have to in order to not eat chicken. i read on various websites that it's not just about giving something up, but gaining something too. so i'm gonna keep trying to maintain a positive self image and not be so critical/judging of others (esp in my head!) and noticing and being thankful for all the little things and people and stuff. :)

maybe...

so i've been thinking lately. about how i've always been the person that has one or two really good friends, and then sorta talks to and sorta knows a bunch of other people but doesn't really feel totally comfortable with them. and i realized that although i still have my best friends from high school, i dont have any best friends here at college yet. and its been rather weird to tell you the truth. but i got to thinking and realizing things. i think i wrote before about how i've realized that most of the time, in one form or another, i've created sort of idols out of my best friends. not really meaning to of course, but having that one or two people that i trust and hang out with alot, my focus turns towards them and what they think and do and all that. so maybe it's a good thing, a sort of gift from God that i have yet to have a 'best friend' here at college. maybe He's teaching me to not be so reliant on one or two people. but have a community of friends and keep my main focus and be reliant on Him. i dont know what His plans are or anything, but it's nice to realize that theres possible growth from this change and such.. ;)

may your power rest on me.

let me hear my Savior say 'your strength shall return'. then i'll rejoice in my weakness, as i lean on your grace. as i lean on your grace. may your power rest on me. you are strong when i am weak. i can bear all things when temptation springs for you sustain me all my days. let me know my Savior's face. let my hope be secure. then i'll rejoice in my weakness, as i lean on your grace. as i lean on your grace. may your power rest on me. you are strong when i am weak. i can bear all things when temptation springs for you sustain me all my days. once from the Lord withdrawn, i thought i could live my life alone. leaving the solid ground, i sank beneath His wisdom. the harder i tried to climb, the closer to find how great is my weakness. may your power rest on me. you are strong when i am weak. i can bear all things when temptation springs for you sustain me all my days. oh the trial still goes on. your grace will be my song. for i can bear all things when temptation springs, for you sustain me all my days.

- may your power rest on me by sojourn

a desk can say alot

so that's my desk. i was looking at it, and realized how much the stuff on and around my desk says about me and my current state. right now it's a bit messy, but i know where everything is. you've got your typical desk stuff like the organizer with pens and such, the sharpie cup, the paintbrushes, noteblock, tape, stapler, lamp. then you've got all this random stuff. the bowl by the lamp filled with lots of random things, ranging from poptarts to paint to whoppers to flower seeds to lipbalm. and you've got that random orange on the corner and that random apple hiding behind my laptop that i brought back from the caf and has been sitting there for two weeks... then you've got my pile of books: my current reading book, a readers digest magazine, a bank statement, my devotional book, and my bible. and over on the other side you've got my pile of papers: physics equations, random notes, handouts from cru, and a dodecahedron calendar i made while bored. then you've got all the other random stuff: camera case, calculator, pens, string flowers, small group candle, framed photos, my phone and my keys.. and then all around on the walls you can see arty photographs, two pieces of art, schedules, and lots of random verses and song lyrics and such that inspire me and keep me on track. and you can see the corner of my alarm clock and my bright fake daisy. and that's just the top of my desk. i bet this would make a great psychology experiment, basing a person's personality and current state on their desk. like i said before, right now it's organized chaos. i have the random odds and ends, but also the focuses of family/friends, artsyness, school work, social stuff, and my faith. what does your desk say about you?

let it go

ive been holding on so tight. look at these knuckles they've gone white. i'm fighting for who i wanna be. i'm just trying to find security. but You say let it go. You say let it go. You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control. You say you will be everything i need. You said if i lose my life its then i'll find my soul. You say let it go. well its hard enough to hear. harder still to move beyond this fear. we know theres nothing i can bring, so tell me what do you want from me? but You say let it go. You say let it go. You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control. You say you will be everything i need. You said if i lose my life its then i'll find my soul. You say let it go. You say let it go. what do i love? what do i hate? what will i lose? will i gain? how do i save my soul? what if i bend? what if i bread? what will it cost? what will it take? for You to save my soul. You say let it go. You say let it go. You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control. You say you will be everything i need. You said if i lose my life its then i'll find my soul. You say let it go. You say let it go. You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control. You say you will be everything i need. You said if i lose my life its then i'll find my soul. You say let it go. You say let it go.

-let it go by tenth avenue north

eternal life.

so i was watching tv. and it was on the history channel and called 'that's impossible' and it was about eternal life and how it could become possible with scientific advances and such in the coming years. at first, i was intrigued because i enjoy science. all the science they talked about sounded like it could really happen sometime soon. however. the more i thought about it though, the more i thought that i wouldn't really want eternal life in this world. don't get me wrong, i don't want to die now or anything. i want to live my life to the fullest. but i'm gonna have eternal life in heaven with Jesus. i don't know about you, but i'd much rather have eternal life in heaven, where everything is perfect and wonderful and i am finally completely one with God, than have eternal life in this world where no matter how hard i try or what i do, i will never be completely, fully at peace and one with Him. when i was watching/listening to the people talk about how they could live for a thousand years, or even eternity, thanks to science, i almost felt sorry for them, wanting to talk to them. the answer isn't a longer life here, it's a life here that's worth the while, however long that happens to be. seeking after Him and His kingdom should be our primary goal, not sticking around on this broken world forever. thats what i think anyways...

Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs and He will give you all you need from day to day if youlive for Him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. -Matthew 6:32-33

so.

so. today was super lazy. only had one class and there was nothing to do at work and got to leave early. so alot of my day was spent just chillin in my room. it's so weird how sometimes i love not having anything to do and wasting the day away chillin in my room, and other times i just want to get out of it and do something, anything. anyways. so i went to pilates and had dinner with debord. it was nice as usual. :) it started to sorta sprinkle/mist/sleet/snow... it couldn't make up it's mind. i was folding my laundry and i find out that theres no school tomorrow. canceled because of the threat of freezing rain/ice. it's rather ironic how they didnt cancel when we had to trek through snow and ice to class, but did for the threat of ice. anyways. so then i started to half panic. in hickory anyways, it was supposed to get worse and worse. and i planned to go home and go to winterjam with caroline. so it was leave now or leave tomorrow and risk it being too icy to go. so i went. i got home at like 1130. it's nice to be home, even with all the stress and adrenaline of quickly packing and driving in precipitation that can't make up its mind. being home is weird. it's nice to be home and be back in my place and see my parents and puppy and friends. but part of me is expecting to go upstairs to my room and climb into my loft bed. i guess because im always complaining about people going home all the time, like every weekend, i feel like i'm ditching people and being a hypocrit when i go home not on break. and i feel like i'm missing out on things. i guess i feel like the same exact fun things will happen again, but they won't. even if the same people were at school and we did the same activities, it'd be different. and i'm used to my dorm room and people always being around and having to figure out who i'm going to eat with and when and all that jazz. and also when i'm at school i have my schedule down pat. i do the same thing everynight before bed and go to bed about the same time. i get up and do the same things. but when i'm home, i stay up alot later than i would at school and in general don't have a schedule like at all except whatever social outings i've planned. it's sort of liberating to not be on the routine, but sorta discombobulating. it always feels like when i've just gotten used to being home and being nonroutine, i go back to school and have to get back into the routine. so going home is weird. it's doing that thing here in the boro where there's moisture coming from the clouds, but it can't decide what it wants to do. whether it wants to be snow or ice or sleet or rain or what. winterjam is saturday night so i don't really care what it does as long as i can still go to winterjam with caroline. but if things don't work according to plan, i guess that means that God had something greater and different in store. so yea. i'm praying that it doesnt get too bad to cancel winterjam or make it so i cant get back to school on sunday, but trying to be at peace with whatever happens. well it's late and i'm tired and i've got a full day of being lazy in store for me when i wake up. ;)

how ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you

I am with you and for you. You face nothing alone - nothing! When you feel anxious, know that you are focusing on the visible world and leaving Me out of the picture. The remedy is simple: Fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. Verbalize your trust in Me, the Living One who sees you always. I will get you safely through this day and all your days. But you can find Me only in the present. Each day is a precious gift from My Father. How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you! Receive today's gift gratefully, unwrapping it tenderly and delving into its depths. As you savor this gift, you find Me.

from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

oh this body.

I just realized that I have not given an update on my wonderful physical status lately... PRAISE GOD! I have not had any seizures or anything since going off my meds. When I get really stressed/sleep deprived, I sometimes have weird feelings and such, but nothing major or often enough to really worry about. I think my throat is taking after my dad. It's being weirdly sensitive lately and doing this weird thing where I take a drink or bite or something and it sorta feels like it goes down wrong and it feels like I can't really breath for a minute and then the feeling passes. It's sorta annoying and weird and seems to happen alot in a time period than not much... maybe another stress thing. Sometimes it's sorta scary when I feel like I can't breathe but when I calm down it works out. As for my oh so wonderful joints, they are a come and go thing. Since it is winter and cold, they have been quite a bit more evil than they were this summer. I'm trying to not let it restrict me and my exercise and whatever I want to do though. It's pretty much still my knees mainly with some hips, ankles, and shoulders mixed in. I guess I've sort of grown accustomed to the weird not quite pain but discomfort feeling in my knees that happens. I wish I could make it stop completely. I'm pretty sure that it wasn't the seizure meds doing it cause although that could take a while to go down, I feel like it'd steadily go down and not just do the same ol same ol. So yea. I guess I just have a high pain tolerance or it's not been that bad lately. When it's something that I can't really fix except with good ol relafen, you learn to deal with it and not complain and not show others if I'm in pain. I don't want to burden others with my pain that they couldn't help fix anyways. Though every once in a while (usually after I do something to make them especially mad) I catch myself half limping, like not bending my knee as much or moving my hip as much cause it decreases the pain. I guess due to my pride and not wanting to impose on others, I usually make myself stop whenever I notice. It's not really that bad though. It's still definitely tolerable. I'm just still worried that I'll get old and become a cripple or something. But ya know, I can't really do anything about that except pray that God will heal me and help me. So yea. And although I definitely still love me some sleep, I've been less tired lately (or maybe I'm just not making myself notice it or whatever). Having 8am classes every weekday limits my late night activities, but I'm ok with that. :) I have the reputation of going to bed earlier than the normal college student on class nights. And I'm ok with that. :) So yea. I've been doing good. I still pray that God would heal me of all this crap, but for now I'm joyful in the no seizure activity. :)

oxymoron

i am an oxymoron. you are too. i'm guessing anyways... since i'm not inside of you. anyways. i am an oxymoron. sometimes i'm proud and selfish and can't think of anyone but me. sometimes i'm selfless and humble, unfortunatly sometimes to the extent of hurting myself. don't worry. i'm not suicidal or anything close. i just have a bad habit for making myself suffer more than i should over little things. but that's almost me being proud and self-righteous, 'i dont need that pillow even though i have screwed up joints, you healthy-jointed person take it...' that might be another post all together... anyways. i am an oxymoron. i am good and i am bad. i have the human, worldly, sinful side. but i also have that godly, holy, good side. and they both exist in this body of mine. and lately i've been thinking a bit about this. trying to find a balance. of this world and God. i have to exist in this world because this is where i am, so i need to function and work to some extent in accordance to its rules and such. but i have God in me and coming through me. i have the desire and the command to live for God and keep my focus on Him. so. how to find balance between existing and functioning in this world but keeping my focus and efforts elsewhere? i don't really know the full answer. and i'm not sure that there is one thats concise and straight. except. to just try my hardest and continually pray and seek after God. when i leave this world, i will no longer have to struggle with this balancing, oxymoronic game. but i'm in this world. so i will try to continually keep my eyes on Him. and do what i can, but pray that He will give me the strength and abilities to do everything else. if He commands something, i must be able to do it, it just may take His help and my time and effort and getting to heaven to accomplish it fully. it's a weird thing to think about. knowing that while i am in this sinful body and world, i will never fully keep my focus on Him every moment. but also knowing that He will give me the strength and abillities. so. i'm just gonna pray and try my hardest and remember to notice Him in everything.