Daisies in the Sun

you are mine. (valentine's edition)

2012-02-14T23:14:00.001-05:00

so i wasn't planning on playing up the whole cliche valentines stuff today. but. it's happening ;)
today at the hospital i got a cupcake that had one of those little plastic rings on it and it was in the shape of a conversation heart and said 'be mine' on it. i didn't think much of it, ate the cupcake (yum!) and threw the ring away cause it was big and gaudy and had sticky icing all over it.
so this evening at cru we had a night where we did a prayer wheel, basically different short stages of different kinds of prayer such as mediation, intercession, praise, etc. well during one part we were supposed to just sit and listen to the Lord. i could only hear one thing over and over, 'you are mine'. it was on repeat in my brain. i got a little fed up and was like 'ok, give me something else, i've got that i'm yours, let's move on!' but He said 'no. this is what you need. you are mine.' and that's all i could hear in my thoughts, 'you are mine' over and over and over.
now later as i think, how integral it is to realize that we are His. we've heard it before, been there done that. but really, do we believe it? the way we act and think doesn't usually show it. if we truly know and believe and live out that we are His, we would be secure in our identity because it would be rooted in our secure knowledge of Him and His identity. we wouldn't worry. we would love extragantly knowing that we are His and that's all that matters and all we need so we can love sacrificially because at the end of the day we are fulfilled and held. how different would we look if we really truly believed and lived out that simple phrase? so much can be pulled out of that. we are His! we have been bought by His blood and are no longer ours but His. we are His to show His glory and spread His name. everything pales in comparison to being His.
so in this last hour of valentine's day as people ask 'be mine?', know that God has already said 'you are mine'. it is not a question anymore, but a promise and truth that rings as long as we have Him in our hearts. remember, no matter your situation in life, God is saying 'you are MINE'.

the Word.

2012-01-30T20:50:00.002-05:00

look, God is all-powerful. who is a teacher like Him? no one can tell Him what to do. no one can say to Him, 'you have done wrong.' instead, glorify His mighty works, singing songs of praise. everyone has seen these things, but only from a distance. look, God is exalted beyond what we can understand. His years are without number. He draws up the water vapor and then distills it into rain. the rain pours down from the clouds, and everyone benefits from it. can anyone really understand the spreading of the clouds and the thunder that rolls forth from heaven? see how He spreads the lightning around Him and how it lights up the depths of the sea. by His mighty acts He governs the people, giving them food in abundance. He fills His hands with lightning bolts. He hurls each at its target. the thunder announces His presence; the storm announces His indignant anger. my heart pounds as i think of this. it leaps within me. listen carefully to the thunder of God's voice as it rolls from His mouth. it rolls across the heavens, and His lightning flashes out in every direction. then comes the roaring of the thunder- the tremendous voice of His majesty. He does not restrain the thunder when He speaks. God's voice is glorious in the thunder. we cannot comprehend the greatness of His power. He directs the snow to fall on the earth and tells the rain to pour down. everyone stops working at such a time so they can recognize His power. the wild animals hide in the rocks or in their dens. the stormy wind comes from its chamber and the driving winds bring the cold. God's breath sends the ice, freezing wide expanses of water. He loads the clouds with moisture, and they flash with His lightning. the clouds turn around and around under His direction. they do whatever He commands throughout the eart. He causes things to happen on earth, either as a punishment or as a sign of His unfailing love. listen, stop and consider the wonderful miracles of God! do you know how God controls the storm and causes the lightning to flash forth from His clouds? do you understand how He balances the clouds with wonderful perfection and skill? when you are sweltering in your clothes and the south wind dies down and everything is still, He makes the skies reflect the heat like a giant mirror. can you do that? you think you know so much, so teach the rest of us what to say to God. we are too ignorant to make our own arguments. should God be told that i want to speak? can we speak when we are confused? we cannot look at the sun, for it shines brightly in the sky when the wind clears away the clouds. golden splendor comes from the mountain of God. He is clothed in dazzling splendor. we cannot imagine the power of the Almighty, yet He is so just and merciful that He does not oppress us. no wonder people everywhere fear Him. people who are truly wise show Him reverence.

for the truth about God is known to them instinctively. God has put this knowledge in their hearts. from the time the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky and all that God made. they can clearly see His invisible qualities- his eternal power and divine nature. so they have no excuse whatsoever for not knowing God.

for all have sinned; all fall short of God's glorious standard. yet now God in His gracious kindness declares us not guilty. He has done this through Christ Jesus, who has freed us by taking away our sins. for God sent Jesus to take the punishment for our sins and to satisfy God's anger against us. we are made right with God when we believe that Jesus shed His blood, sacrificing His life for us. God was being entirely fair and just when He did not punish those who sinned in former times. and He is entirely fair and just in this present time when He declares sinners to be right in His sight because they believe in Jesus.

*Job 36:22-37:24; Romans 1:19-20; Romans 3:23-26

the power.

2012-01-12T10:28:00.001-05:00

the power in me is the power that raised Christ from the dead.

that's pretty crazy when you think about it. as a new creation and daughter of God, He indwells me just as He indwelt Christ. now obviously there are some differences between Christ and i, the whole perfect Lamb and dying for the sins of the world part... but we forget the power we have inside of us. here i am at the beginning of crazy busy hard semester freaking out that things are gonna get done when i don't even have anything to do yet. but He says 'no temptation has seized you except what is common to man. and I am faithful; I will not let you be tempted (or tried) beyond what you can bear. and when you are tempted, I will provide a way out so you can stand up under it.' so why am i worried again? He says 'do not fear, for I am with you and I am your God. I will strengthen and help and uphold you victoriously. I have called you by name. you are Mine. you will not drown or be consumed by fire.' and as if that wasn't enough, He says 'I am your Prince of Peace, Everlasting Father, Mighty God, and Wonderful Counselor.' so really, what backing and excuses do i have now with my worry? if i need peace, He will be it. if i need counseling, He will be it. if i need strength and might, He will be it. if i need fatherly love or direction or even discipline, He will be it. the power that is in me and for me is the same power that raised Christ from the dead. He sustains the flowers and birds that are here today but gone tommorrow, won't He more surely care for His child? He is my portion, He is mine forever.

december.

2012-01-01T20:25:00.000-05:00

1- a really weird relax but back-to-back day.
2- snowball- bringing out the outgoing amy.
3- first Christmas concert of the year and time with the 'rents.
4- more friend time and resolution than a usual day- can every day be like this?
5- Christmas concert and more friend chill and catchup time -blessings.
6- swam, last concert, another movie and cuddle time- waiting for the pit.
7- last day of classes and just a good day.
8- a really great social but chill reading day.
9- first exam, lots of chill and a bumpin midnight breakfast!
10- another exam, and more chill socialness.
11- church then studying, studying, and more studying.
12- last exams and more social chilling - soo great to just share life.
13- shopping, crafting and chilling, again a social life!
14- chillin like a villain.
15- helped out at extreme makeover home edition.
16- got to see Amy then just crashing Ashley's life.
17- fire under a million stars.
18- towed, Christmas tree, and home.
19- GRE done.
20- got to see Heather and started a big puzzle.
21- doctor's to show i don't need drugs.
22- really chill rainy day at home.
23- shopping complete and puppy snuggles.
24- cookie making and movies.
25- Christmas!
26- relaxed day with the fam.
27- got to see all three of my hometown besties.
28- seeing so many lovely friends at Encounter!
29- lots of listening and hanging out.
30- dynamic.
31- outreach then praying in the new year.

see?

2011-12-26T11:15:00.000-05:00

it's the day after Christmas. we didn't really do our usual Christmas stuff yesterday. because of my sister's work schedule and such we're doing 'family Christmas' (exchanging gifts and such) on new years day. so yesterday we just chilled, went on a walk with the dog, and ate lots of cookies. because of this and the lack of actually cold weather the last couple weeks it hasn't really felt like Christmas. we didn't have presents under the tree until yesterday afternoon, we don't have Christmas lights up on our house, my sister isn't here. but i've been learning a lot lately about what truely matters, what God really calls us to.
yes, Christmas is very important because it is the day Christ was born and that's a pretty important thing. like life-changing. but our culture's obsession with the material reprocussions of Christmas and so many people's analysis of life during this season has taken over. yes, i want to give special attention to His birth around Christmas, but i want to really live for Him all year around not just when the songs on the radio talk about His birth. and a huge part of that is seeing.
truely seeing.
perspective is such a huge thing, as i'm realizing more and more. He calls us to a childlike faith, simplicity. to take life one day at a time and truely be thankful for everything. to see where He has and is faithful and blessings He has given us each day. to see today and praise Him for it, whatever it brings, and simply trust that He will provide tomorrow. also, to see that we're in a battle. that satan is lying to us everywhere we turn and to see those lies. to see that He will win and is always victorious and that if we recognzie those lies we can lean on Him to defeat them. it's about seeing and realizing, to really experience His Presence everyday and live the full life He offers. it's a constant thing, to see, but it's soooo worth it.

p.s. i've been reading Practicing the Presence by Goldsmith and Waking the Dead by Eldridge... legit.

isaiah 9:6

2011-12-06T01:43:00.001-05:00

For a child is born to us, a son is given to us. And the government will rest on his shoulders. These will be his royal titles: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

we talked about this verse at cru last week and it's resurfaced a couple times since then. of course the obvious that it's Christmastime and that the opening of this verse is for a child is born to us, a pretty obvious reference to Jesus and His birth (aka Christmas). but something even more than that has really been hitting my heart lately, the last day or so. the royal titles. Wonderful Counselor. Mighty God. Everlasting Father. Prince of Peace. these are the things He is for us. i feel like these four names really describe what i need Him to be. sometimes i need advice, sometimes strength or power, sometimes security, sometimes comfort or peace. which of these do you need God to be for you right now? i know i need all of them in so many ways in different circumstances and facets of my life. and the crazy thing is that He's all of them all of the way all of the time. crazy. this is Who i serve, Who i love with all my being. the One who is everything.

november.

2011-12-01T23:23:00.001-05:00

1- resolution.
2- busy productive breathing.
3- revelation of truth.
4- girl's weekend.
5- salted caramel hot chocolate & too much salad.
6- trying to let it all go.
7- allowing the Lord to provide.
8- lost my ring but my true treasures are not here.
9- dependence should be on the Lord alone.
10- swam a kilometer without stopping.
11- thinking to be had.
12- a lazy saturday, much needed.
13- college lunch, winning soccer game from pks, & a chill duty night.
14- just a really great monday- legit talk, exercise, great dinner, & decisions made.
15- love is the answer- am i doing all i can?
16- very productive day & a litle realization concerning prayer.
17- big presentation done & a survival bracelet.
18- singing, volunteering, & vegging.
19- lazy reading saturday.
20- a lazy sunday to round out the weekend.
21- finished up the work & got to relax more.
22- home for thanksgiving!
23- raked leaves & went on a long walk in the woods. :)
24- thanksgiving.
25- relaxing finally.
26- best friend time & chick flick with mom.
27- a crazy day of coming back & spontaneous friend time.
28- playing in puddles and laughing til i cry.
29- real talk & showing emotion.
30- ant wrangling & thoughts abound.

being thankful (a little late).

2011-11-29T10:14:00.001-05:00

it's hard sometimes to find thanks is the busy crazy life of a college junior. everywhere i turn there are things to be done or things to think about. subjects to study, people to spend time with, decisions about the future to make, lots of different relationships and things to ponder and analyze, and of course the need to spend time with my Father. it all comes at me at once when i wake up, some days a lot harder than others. but such is life. and i realize that once i graduate, it won't get any easier or slower. i'll have grad school work to do (hopefully) and then a job to go to and all those adult-like things to get done. life is not gonna slow down for me. i need to remember to live in the now and stop looking forward into the future, where i can't see God alongside me and there are no certainties, or back to the past, where i can't change what's happened and dwelling too long only increases the pain and regret. i need to focus on the now, the present, whether that's practicing for the choir concerts coming real soon or sitting alone in my room with nothing to do because i'm on duty or that i have 5 million things to do in 18 hours. the only way i can do this, this living in the right now, is to notice and be thankful. yes of course we just celebrated thanksgiving, which is a great time to show our thanks. but i'd rather give thanks everyday, not just one out of 365. i'm starting to keep a little journal, with things i'm thankful for. im challenging myself to pay attention during the day, to notice the now, to record these things. it can be a person, or the fog that gently envelops the campus, or a blessing of no rain for an event, or just that oxygen exists. noticing these details and things helps me to stop and right my perspective. to remember how tiny i am and how big and loving He is. how none of this stuff exists without Him and i did nothing to help with pretty much all of it. that i don't know what tomorrow or the next year will hold, but i know that right now i am deeply loved and there are so many things to be thankful for, even the crap, and that He will still be here with me when i wake up tomorrow and we can start again. the more i go through and think and try to analyze things in life, the more i realize that that's not what He wants. i don't need to analyze and figure out everything, like other people's motives (which is sometimes necessary to know but the best person to ask would be them, not myself!) or what next year will bring. childlike faith and thankfulness for the now is what He asks, and we make that way more complicated than it needs to be. so just breathe, and look for the little things He has already done.

the shack.

2011-11-20T22:14:00.001-05:00

i read The Shack by William Young this weekend. i read the first few chapters thursday when i was on duty, then read more than half yesterday and finished it today. it's been great being able to just chill and lay on my bed and read. i feel like things said in it really spoke to me and what i'm kind of thinking through right now. like:
-we were created to be loved. to live as if you are unloved is a limitation, not you are limited because you are unloved. how often do i live and act and think like i'm not truely loved? just this morning i found myself dwelling on the fact that i always seem to be forgotten and how that must be a reprocussion of unlove.
-relationships are never about power, and one way to avoid the will to power is to choose to limit oneself - to serve. dang. when you think about it, almost all relationships revolve around power in some form, there often seems to be this subconscious qualification of what the relationship is and who has the upperhand or whatever... there's always underlying comparison going on, a fight for power. and the way that we can fight against that is to limit ourselves, get rid of our selfishness, and serve. to stop worrying about who's better or worse and serve out of love and just genuinely care for eachother wherever they're at.
-when you chose independence over relationship, you become a danger to each other. others became objects to be manipulated or managed for your own happiness. authority, as you usually think of it, is merely the excuse the strong use to make others conform to what they want. oh dear. even more about how self-serving we are! and it's true! we use each other to fit our needs and wants instead of just being in relationship with eachother. when we choose to (which is usually subconscious) be on our own and choose to serve ourselves, we endanger each other. true love cannot flow when we're caught up in ourselves.
-God won't use you. unlike people might and probably will if you really love and serve freely, God won't use you and leave you hanging.
-the real underlying flaw in your life is that you don't think that God is good. if you knew that He is good and that everything - the means, the ends, and all the processes of individual lives- is all covered by goodness, then while you might not always understand what He's doing, you would trust Him. ahh! i want to truely, in my heart of hearts, believe and know that God is good and that no matter what, i would trust Him and know He really works all things for my good, especially when i don't understand.
-trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. so true, but hadn't thought about it that way before. the people that i don't really trust are the ones in which i don't really know and feel like they love me.
-you must give up your right to decide what is good and evil on your own terms. that's a hard pill to swallow; choosing to only live in Him. to do that you must know Him enough to trust Him and learn to rest in His inherent goodness. um, yes please! i want this!
-genuine relationships are marked by submission even when your choices are not helpful or healthy. submission is not about authority and it is not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect. i feel like this goes back to all the other things above..
-following God is not being just like Jesus (cause we won't be!) but for your independence to be killed. dependence on Him is what's truely important and vital.
-learn to live loved.
-you have to take the time to prepare the soil if you want it to embrace the seed. patience, grasshopper, patience.
-this whole thing is a process, not an event. all He wants from you is to trust Him with what little you can, and grow in loving people around you with the same love He shares with you. it's not your job to change them, or to convince them. you are free to love without an agenda. back to the whole relationship thing. loving without an agenda or motives or goals to fulfill. just love. !!!
-faith does not grow in the house of certainty. faith does not come from things we know, but relying on things we might not be sure of.
-true love never forces. if it's an obligation or forced than it's not true love.
-each relationship between two people is absolutely unique. that is why you cannot love two people the same. it simply is not possible. you love each person differently because of who they are and the uniqueness that they draw out of you. and the more you know another, the richer the colors of that relationship. back to that you can't compare thing. it won't ever be the same between you and two different people. or between two people together and you with either of them. don't compare.
-if God wanted you to know, He'd tell you.
-if anything matters then everything matters. because you are important, everything you do is important. every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, God's purposes are accomplished and nothing will ever be the same again. who you are and what you do, whether you think it's acknowledged or not, matters and changes things.

so yea. it's alot of dense, life-perspective-changing stuff. we are a body and we are called to love one another as God loves us. that means resolving conflicts (in a godly way of course). that means serving each other without putting expectations on them or comparing people. build a monument to remember what God has done in your life. don't forget what He's already done. but don't lose sight of all that He still can do. and don't isolate yourself, it won't help anyone.

i am who i am, take it or leave it.

2011-11-18T20:21:00.001-05:00

coming to realize and learn alot about myself lately...
like the fact that apparently my intelligence and outward confidence makes me intimidating to other people and that my awkward shyness may come across as snobbyness, which they are totally not meant as. i am going to be who i am, i am who God made me to be. He made me intelligent, with a capable brain, and i plan to use it. it might not make me a whole lot of close friends because it takes work to truely know someone. but i'm ok with that. God will always be with me, whether anyone else is or not, and that's what matters. i've learned to not go running after people when they shrug me off repeatedly. in some ways i just wanna get to heaven where i'll be with the Lover of my soul forever, but i know He has a purpose for me here (which i'm still trying to discern the details of). and He tells me to not lose heart because i will come across troubles in this world. i don't have a 'type' but i don't need to fit one. i am His Beloved and that's what really matters.

october.

2011-11-01T23:35:00.001-04:00

1- lazy day and a night at the fair.
2- brett's ride, workout, and laundry avalanche.
3- moody tired monday.
4- rocky day towards the end.
5- getting a better attitude- maybe the flu shot had happy hormones in it...
6- a much better warm duty day/night.
7- oktoberfest with lots of cool people.
8- homecoming festivities and winning football and women's soccer.
9- college lunch, ragan visit, hammock time, and duty with only one office hour : score.
10- a happy monday.
11- finally being able to get things off my chest.
12- joy sprouting from no specific source.
13- home for fall break!
14- sister day and room cleaning.
15- fall family day out to the mountains.
16- fall family day relaxing at home.
17- three doctors and a space station sighting.
18- last day of fall break and back to hickory.
19- back to classes and being academically productive.
20- 82 degree pool on a 40 degree day equals happiness.
21- a very lovely octover friday.
22- sunrise hike up kitsuma and amazing talk time.
23- great church and relax time.
24- monday monday.
25- piano is my escape.
26- productive but exhausting hump day.
27- got in a hammock nap. :)
28- got to see mom, dad and mary again!
29- games, bonfire, and sleepover.
30- spaghetti and curly hair.
31- halloween curls and faith.

a manifesto.

2011-10-31T23:24:00.002-04:00

this life has never been about me. since that faithful day in july 5 years ago, it hasn't been about me. heck, even before i believed God and His Truth, it wasn't about me. it's never been about me. this whole life of mine has always been to show God's glory. there is no way i can live and breathe without glorifying the Creator. so many things in my body happen every second that can only point to Him. the One who is the only true purpose of my life and the sustainer of my soul.
i've known this but i've never really realized it. it's been there but i haven't embraced it as my own, lived it out. this life i live is not for me or my glory or even for the glory of these people i live with and around. crap will come in life, as it has the habit of doing. but that in no way at all means God is not glorified. if anything, God is glorified more through my crap than through my peace sometimes. me actively, vividly giving up control and knowing this life is not my own is one of the most worshipful things i could ever do. why do i think i have the right to comfort? or the right to be right? or to know? what makes me think i have the right to control? those things have never and will never be mine. they belong only to the One who created all things. the One who created me. and by His grace, He gives me comfort, understanding, even the figment of control. but it is still never mine to take as my own, to hold tight to my chest knowing it will never leave. God gives and God takes away, but that second half doesn't make Him a less loving God. if anything, it shows His love even more. that He not just wants to give us good things, but He loves us enough to take things away and grow us in hard hard ways by taking things away. He loves us the way we are but He also loves us so much to not let us stay that way. to show us our weakness and unworthiness and brokenness. to show us we really aren't the boss of our life. that we really don't know what's going on or will happen.
every moment i live is for His glory, whether i choose to take hold of that reality or not. that is how i'm made, to glorify Him. i pray that i would really, truly glorify the Lover of my soul with everything i do. with the love i give and show others, with the sacrifices i make, with the truths i hold close and the lies i turn away. i pray i would stay steadfast in this love, the way He does. i know i will fail because i am human, but that does not stop me from doing what i can with all my all, leaning on the One who can strengthen me to do things otherwise impossible. this life is not mine, but God has graciously, mercifully, taken on those failures and given me this Life to live for Him. it is my only option for living, truly living. to let go of everything and breathe in His power and grace and truth and presence only to let it escape from me onto the world. this life is not about me. it never has been, and never ever will be.

a barefoot blue jean night.

2011-10-31T21:04:00.000-04:00

this weekend was wonderful. friday i finished my hours of 'internship' stuff for this semester so thats out of the way. mom and dad and mary came over that night and we had dinner and dessert. it's always great all being together, even if just for a night to exchange cars ;) then saturday i got to sleep in and have lots of sweet Jesus time. worked concessions for the football game (which we won) then watched the girls soccer win, making them season champs (or whatever thats called). then ended up going over to ashley's house, we had a bonfire and slept over. it was wonderful. i got to spend time with friends i don't get to see nearly enough and i wasnt feeling like i had to initiate and be crazy and energetic and welcoming if i didn't feel like it. but i had an amazing time chopping up pallets with an ax, sitting by the fire, setting off cheap bottle rocket fireworks and sleeping on a couch that was more comfortable than my bed. and after being forced to listen to country music all night, it wasn't THAT bad. probably not something i'll ever choose to listen to, but no other music would've fit a bonfire. saturday was just a wonderful day, filled with many things i love. sunday was pretty normal but i got to have homemade (not mass produced) spaghetti twice and got my hair curled (which it still is wavy even after sleeping and a whole day!). it's almost annoying having such a good weekend cause it makes coming back to the usual school more unexciting and i want everyday/every weekend to be like that and it wont. i'm just so thankful for the friends and opportunities God places in my life everyday, even if it's not what i'm planning or expecting at the moment.

you formed my knees to bend

2011-10-25T15:42:00.000-04:00

I know who I am

Once I was nameless, alone and you found me

You formed my knees to bend

You call me Beloved, I am perfection

All my failures won’t condemn me

Or leave me paralyzed and bound

When I’m at my worst

Your Love, it finds me first

By you, I can run in the night

For by you, I can run in the night

For I am such a man

Seized by the power of a great affection

No matter where I am

Peace spreads below me in every direction

When evil sets the war upon me

I won’t stumble, I won’t fall

Though they do their worst

Your love has found me first

For by you, I can run in the night

Hide me in the shelter of

Keep me in the cover of

Lead me in the light of your love

Hide me in the light of your love

No matter where I am

Whom shall I fear

Lead me in the light

-Run in the Night (based on Ps 27) by Jars of Clay feat. Thad Cockrell

trusting and waiting.

2011-10-23T14:39:00.001-04:00

i'm having issues with both of these lately. trusting other people, what they say, that they are being honest. trusting myself, that i really know what i think i do. trusting God, that He really does have the best plan and that things will work out for good. waiting for things to happen. waiting for things to change. waiting for people to initiate with me cause i'm sick of always being the responsible one that makes things happen. waiting for redeeming authentic relationships to actually form. waiting for answers about my future. it's tough. trusting and waiting are probably the two hardest things for me, because i want to be in control and know and for things to happen now, not later. it's a process.

break :)

2011-10-19T17:31:00.001-04:00

breaks are pretty much the best invention ever. this past weekend/few days was fall break, and it was perfect. just the right amount of time to really relax but not get stir-crazy. i got to hang out with my sister and family. we saw the pretty leaves in the mountains, carved pumpkins, made and consumed apple crisp, and went on a family walk with the pup. it was great. the best way i know of to bring in the fall season. and of course it was 80 and sunny yesterday when i got back to hickory but is now 60 and rainy, oh hickory...

it's been an interesting last couple weeks in the life of me, ups and downs but overall good. been reading Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman, legit. go buy it! there's so many things i thought i was over that i'm not and it's been great to find out that other people feel the same about different things, even people i look up to like Emily (my high school youth pastor's wife). i really wanna go sunrise hiking this saturday, so we'll see if that works out or not... here's my sister and i's pumpkins:

hers is the quirky one on the left and mine is the simple one on the right ;)

a weird dream.

2011-10-06T09:12:00.000-04:00

i had a weird dream last night. for the few weeks/months or so, i've been struggling with the fact that i'm 20, a junior in college, and have yet to go on a single date with a guy. never been asked to go on a date or had any guy show to me that the male population is at least somewhat intrigued by my presence and existance. and when you're in college, surrounded by lovely girls who have boyfriends and fiances, who talk and maybe even complain about their significant other quite a bit because that's a huge part of their life, it gets hard to forget and brush past the fact that you've never been there. that quite frankly, i often don't trust or believe that i will ever be there and that i'll just be single and alone without a family the rest of my life. and when i really think about i'm good with being single. because when i analyze my motives for wanting that guy in my life, i come down to wanting to feel loved and accepted and worthy and wanting to fit into the world view of how things must go. and i realize that even if i had a guy and was searching for that fulfillment in him, it wouldn't be any good and things wouldn't go well. because he isn't meant to fill that role, only God is. that if i really, truly learn and become dependent on God alone for my love and worth and acceptance, not on other people, then i'll be fine no matter what happens. i fully recognize that, especially as a woman, i have those needs and they need to be fulfilled for me to feel whole, that's how we were made. but i don't want a guy until i know wholeheartedly that God fulfills me, and though that guy would hopefully become my husband and we would spend the rest of our lives together and he would end up knowing me better than probably anyone else on this earth, it will never be enough to satisfy my soul when it yearns to be filled by the One who created it.
anyways, the dream... ;)
i dreamt that i was getting married. it was the evening/morning of the wedding (but a very long morning, as dreams have distorted time). it was raining. we couldn't find a hotel. i was in my wedding dress already but was running around town in it. it was ugly. i love the color yellow, but i recognize it just doesn't look great on white, blonde girls such as me. but my wedding dress was like yellow and white with this weird pattern along the top. and it was white cottony fabric and after the weird decorative yellow stuff, it was just straight cut and ugly. and my sister was with me and she had on an almost identical dress even though she was the maid of honor and i was complaining to her how it was ugly and i didn't really wanna wear this for my wedding and she said that we didn't have a choice cause i was getting married today and these dresses were from our parent's wedding so we had to wear them. so we were running around town doing various things like getting flowers (except we only got like 3 wilty lilys for my bouquet and that was it), and then we realized that the invitations had never been sent out so no one was gonna be there. and for the life of me i couldn't remember who my other bridesmaids were or, get this, i couldn't remember who i was marrying! i couldn't picture the guy's face or know his name or anything. but for some reason we had to keep going through everything even though the wedding was not at all gonna be what i wanted and like no one was gonna be there... and then the dream ended.
so yea, i'm gonna take this as an indicator that i'm not ready to get married and that God didn't wanna tell me my (hopefully future) husband's name cause i need to wait and trust in Him, and that i need to take more than like a week to plan my wedding (if that ever does happen) cause i do not wanna end up with no flowers, no guests, and a weird ugly old dress.

the one thing.

2011-10-02T19:59:00.002-04:00

This came up on Pandora while I was doing, and the lyrics almost perfectly describe what I'm feeling... :)

Here I am
In a river of questions
Can I pour my heart out to a listening ear?
I see this life
Its valleys and mountains
And I think of all the roads that brought me here
I’ve questioned my reasons
The life I’m living
I’ve questioned my ability
To judge wrong from right
I’ve questioned all the things that I’ve ever called certain
My race, my religion, my country, my mind

But the one thing I don’t question is you
You really love me like you say you do
You really love me like you say you do
Hold me
Hold me

I’ve questioned significance
Meaning and relevance
Does the work I’m doing really matter at all?
Well I’ve questioned my friendships
Alliance, dependence
Who will still be here when I fall?

Only one thing doesn’t change
Only one thing stays the same
All I know at the end of the day is your love remains

-The One Thing by Paul Colman

september.

2011-10-01T10:04:00.001-04:00

1- feeling better but bored to death in bio lab, but a productive night on duty.
2- a stress-filled day of a fire alarm and getting hopelessly lost.
3- i am now a triathlete!
4- camp best friend time and deciding to change.
5- rain and racquetball.
6- a rainboot dady without rain.
7- home for the night- good talk time with mom.
8- swam, napped, sang, and studied.
9- a non-Friday-feeling Friday.
10- a chill day relaxing alone.
11- choir memorial and turbulent thoughts.
12- a sunny outside day.
13- productive in more ways than just one.
14- taking time to stop and connect.
15- a really great joyful peaceful day. :)
16- cold but happy friday.
17- chill cold day and then a first home game win!
18- great time with great people.
19- exhausted for no real reason.
20- busy day but real rewarding.
21- rainy bum productive day.
22- got to have poppy time and sleep in!
23- fall getaway!
24- legit truth and fun times.
25- back to LR and a nice hot shower.
26- exciting day of future opportunities.
27- cru worship much needed.
28- some struggs, some legit, need more Holy Spirit.
29- sweet Jesus time and convos.
30- vulnerability then skatin in the middle school stompin grounds.

i'm a slacker.

2011-09-29T23:11:00.002-04:00

i've been a definite blog slacker lately. i've thought about posting, i really have, but usually that thought comes up when i'm crawling into bed and i know that if i open my computer back up i will end up on facebook and looking at other things and won't get to bed for another hour. i know myself too well. so here i am, on duty, with nothing to do and still 45 min before i can go to bed. so i'm posting!

life has been pretty rockin lately. school and the work associated with it has picked up, but nothing too crazy. it's all managable and my four classroom classes seem to overlap all the time so it makes it easier to study cause half the stuff i've heard before... so classes, the reason i'm here, are going well. cru and all the stuff with that is going great too, i feel like i'm really comfortable in my role in the organization and with that ministry. i'm starting to disciple some girls through that too which is definitely interesting, growing for me for sure and hopefully them as well!

the thing i've been struggling with lately is trusting the Lord in everything. it's kind of a constant thing for me, especially with my oh so powerful selfwill and want for control and a set plan. since i'm a junior now, my future after college comes up more and more. it's exciting, nervewracking and annoying all at the same time. i'm still fairly sure that PA is what i want to do, but there's so much that goes into going to PA school after i graduate... making sure i have the class and experience requirements, taking the gre, getting internships for experience, deciding what schools to apply to, applying to them and the whole process of doing that and hopefully interviews... so much! and once i start thinking about it all, i can't stop. and i start to freak out about interviews when i haven't even taken the gre yet! or worrying about how I am gonna find internships. and then this past week, i got a decent sounding lead from me doing nothing and my mom going to yoga... it was kinda like God was saying 'hey, i can make things happen without you even doing stuff'. def something i need to remember more. and then once i got the lead i freaked out about getting my resume and cover letter just so the next day that i skipped my quiet time... no good. for some reason my brain seems to be all or nothing with thinking about all this... it either goes crazy and i can't focus on anything else, or i completely forget about it. im hoping to get the internship stuff figured out relatively soon so i can just forget about it and not worry until it gets to be almost summer.. but who knows. maybe God's gonna draw this out and make me wait forever to make me lean on Him, He's been known to do things like that before ;)

so that's where i'm at... loving life, but could always use more Jesus and letting the Holy Spirit work in and through me... it's a journey.

fear and joy.

2011-09-06T15:17:00.002-04:00

this weekend was very eventful. friday did not exactly start or end well (though the middle was quite fine). friday started with a 6am fire alarm wakeup... my first one as an RA so that was nervewracking and as always, adrenaline-pumping. friday afternoon i went to pick up our triathlon packets and then headed to the campground where my parents and i would be staying for the weekend. well, long story short, i got rather lost. i thought i was supposed to take highway 90 until i hit 181, so i was just driving along, enjoying the scenery. the road turned to gravel instead of pavement but i didn't think too much of it because i was near/in a national park... well i kept going for quite some time and then came to a sign saying 'highway 90 ends here'. not the best sign to see... at this point my cell phone was almost dead and had no service, i was being arrogant and did not bring my gps and don't have a good map in my car, and also being arrogant, i didn't fill up before i set out so i was practically out of gas, and almost an hour drive away from any gas station. so i turned around, returned to where the triathlon was, got gas, got directions from my friend that lives where the triathlon was and the campground lady, and set out on a different route. i had had intermittent cell service so my mom knew i was lost but didn't hear back for a while after that and therefore was freaking out (and mothers do well ;)). and as i'm leaving the gas station, it starts to pour, like POUR. thanks to the tropical storm or whatever it was Lee, i got to drive to this mysterious campground in the dark and in one of those thunderstorms where you can't see but like 5 ft in front of your car... by this time i was confident enough in finding my way that i just broke down. i haven't cried that hard/much in i don't know when. not just crying, open-mouth, ugly, gasping-for-breath, almost-gagging crying. there was such a mix of emotions. i was so thankful that i was on my way but still scared i wasn't gonna find it, mad at myself for getting in that mess, tired and hungry and just wanting to go home and be with my family... it was just one of those times where you feel completely broken and alone, but i could still feel Him there holding me, that i would make it. powerful.

lately, i've been reading one thousand gifts by ann voskamp. so good. it's really inspiring me to look at EVERY situation with thanks.. that thanks turns into faith and trust. that if we can't find a way to thank God for whatever it is we're in, how can we really believe that where He's put us is best? and that all those thanks are really just reflections of the beauty and love of God. it's so easy to get wrapped up in all the junk and stress and things that can and do go wrong... but we must stop and really look, think, see His love. to breathe in and out thanks, and share that with others. to let yourself rely on other people and God to get you through, realize my little humanity and that i can't do it alone and that others really do care.

like this past weekend, the whole getting lost thing... i could look back at it and just be angry that i got lost and was arrogant and tried to do it myself. or i can look back and see how He brought me through, the little graces of having enough gas to get back to a station, that the rain didn't start until i had gas and directions, that i had people i could call/who called me to help me through, that my mom loves me enough to freak out too, that i finally got to cry and get out all this builtup stuff from the last 6 months or more.. it's all about perspective. finding the joy in the fear.

(oh, and i did make it to the campground, and finish the triathlon the next morning, getting 2nd place (out of 2, but i got a medal!) in my age group and being second from last overall (i dont care, i'm just glad i did it!), and see my closest camp friend :)

august.

2011-09-04T14:46:00.002-04:00

1- last day off with the sister.

2- a crazy day but totally worth the stress.

3- boys waterfront, last cp, then saw a bear!

4- packing and being rebellious.

5- crazy delirious last night at camp.

6- home from camp and a wreck.

7- semiproductive day at home.

8- septoplasty and bilateral turbinate reduction.

9- recovering.

10- getting antsy but improving.

11- more recovery and some friend time.

12- moved in but not quite ready for a new year to begin.

13- first day of RA training and my first visitors.

14- church, training, friends, and being creative.

15- powerful diversity training and lots of creativity.

16- crying laughter in the caf after a long day of serious RA training.

17- behind closed doors and pizza time.

18- chill last day of RA training.

19- freshman move in- hard to remember 2 yrs ago.

20- a chill day of painting, reading and biking.

21- chill day of checking people in then my first night on duty.

22- cru meeting, first hall meeting, and a cockroach.

23- first day of classes, yay for routines!

24- more classes and socializing and reading out of boredom.

25- swam and am bored without real homework yet.

26- opening convo, cru cookout, and unexciting weekend duty.

27- lazy saturday with a dash of productivity.

28- getting back into ultimate frisbee.

29- a busy day of classes and people.

30- crazy day and first cru of the year.

31- feeling crummy, getting drugs, and trying to listen to my body for once.

overloaded.

2011-08-31T20:37:00.004-04:00

well, haven't posted in a while. classes have started and i'm pretty well settled into classes and my RA role... so far classes and the work with them hasn't been really much at all. the fact that i'm taking all science classes (plus choir and piano but i never really count those) means most of it is just studying and making sure i understand the concepts. unlike organic last year, none of them really require weekly assignments/problems to do. it's kinda weird having so much time but also really nice. which leads me to my title. overloaded. that is what my body is currently... i think it's finally caught up to me, the constant go go go of the last like 6 months. pretty much right after school ended i went to europe for 2 weeks, then only a few days later went to work at camp for 9 weeks, then right after that had surgery, and not even a week after that i'm back at school for RA training and then classes start... that's alot of energy-expending, stress-inducing things back to back without any good chunk of time for my body to recover. to be honest, i was expecting it to happen. i know my body, and it can only take so much for so long. i think the adrenaline has been pulling me through, but now that classes are pretty much back to the groove of things, there's nothing to pump that epinephrine through my blood and tissues. so this leaves me feeling unmotivated in general (luckly i don't have tooo much to do yet), tired and achy, still congested and lots of sinus pressure, and recently a sore throat and not so happy intestinal tract... went to the dr cause i felt especially awful today and got a z-pack for the questionable strep/sinus infection so hopefully i'll feel better soon. and of course to add to the pile of stress, it's hormone time and i'm starting to really think/freak about grad school and i'm doing a sprint triathlon this weekend... trying to make my body as happy as possible while i can...

back to school.

2011-08-18T09:59:00.002-04:00

im back at school, already!

had my nose surgery and it's healing well despite it sometimes is still runny and is still sensitive and my sinuses don't seem very happy to have been messed with... right now my breathing is about the same it was before the surgery but as swelling goes down it should get better and better.

i'm here at school early for RA training. it's been kinda boring at times just listenening to speakers but some things have been fun/interesting too. we did a cool activity on diversity and role played all sorts of things we might walk in on in a room. today is the last day of training cause little freshies move in tomorrow. i'm in an upperclassmen dorm so i don't have to do much with them except help them move in tomorrow... i feel pretty well prepared and ready for my job as an RA. it's definitely some added responsibilities but nothing i wont be able to handle. especially since i'm in the nerd upperclassmen dorm... not too much goes down over here ;)

i'm loving having my own room, it just adds freedom to my life... i can get up or be up and do whatever i want in my room whenever i want/need since i'm never keeping someone else awake or anything... and i've made sure it's nice and cute and colorful ;)

a new nose...

2011-08-10T17:45:00.002-04:00

so i had a badly deviated septum (apparently it crooked like 90 degrees in one spot!) but not anymore! monday i had surgery to straighten it and reduce some of the turbinates in there... it hasn't been awful recovery, the first whole day i was kinda out of it and now that the packing is out i can kinda breathe except my nose is constantly running with healing stuff... my right eye/upper cheek is kinda swollen still and therefore my eye keeps watering... i'm hoping i'll be feeling more normal by friday when i have to move back into school. i'm still wearing a 'drip pad' under my nose for the ebb and flow of stuff... so hopefully i'll be fine with just having a kleenex on hand by friday too... only time will tell. i'm not the best at being patient... ;)

home.

2011-08-07T09:46:00.002-04:00

it's so great but so not great at the same time. my camp days are over. all the kiddies left, we cleaned and locked up a good portion of camp, and had some last few times with our fellow staff. the staff banquet was good, but what i really needed was the chey staff sleepover where i laughed til i cried and then just kept crying.

this summer has been crazy. that's the best one word to describe it. it's been fun, hard, testing, exhausting, rewarding, beautiful, and growing. so much more goes into living with and pouring into ten 12 yr old girls for 2 weeks, all while putting on events and activities for them. seems simple enough right? but then you throw in having to work free swim on campfire night and it's your cocounselor's day off and you need to build a fire and there's no wood but all your kids have disappeared except for one who is in the bathroom crying for some unspeakable reason. all normal, not really stressful things get combined into an oh-my-gosh-this-is-never-gonna-get-done mental breakdown. and then your girls walk up with firewood cause they were trying to help, but half of it is rhododendron and the other half is way too big to break or very tiny that won't keep a fire going. you want to scream at them, but you can't, you don't. you kindly say thanks girls! and remind them what rhododendron looks like and not to get it again and send them back out with good encouragement. though we didn't build fires everyday, similar things happened everyday, whether it be in relation to cleaning the cabin or food at meals or something... i think one of the biggest things i learned this summer was really how to put other's needs before mine. how if there were only 2 chicken tenders left and you and one girl hadn't gotten any and everyone else got 2, you give the 2 left to the girl and just eat bread for lunch. it's not always so material, i learned how to put others first with my emotions and thinking... learning how to restrain myself from snapping when i'm tired and relying on God's strength/patience/wisdom to get me through. and it was worth it. those girls thanked me in ways that didn't always know. they helped me to realize that even if i'm going to be a junior in college soon it's ok to act like i'm a kid again and go crazy. and one thing they really taught me was how to just be yourself. one of the many traits of a 12 yr old girl is that they're usually at that awkward stage where they're trying to fit in but they haven't developed a filter quite yet. they do and say what's on their mind without really thinking a whole lot, esp not about how it'll look to other people. though a filter is a much needed thing in this world, they reminded me to not care so much what others will think about what you do and say... it's better to be yourself than worry all the time.

another great thing about camp is just the consistent closeness to nature that it brought... hearing frogs and cicadas going to sleep everynight, getting to hike and see the sunrise and the mountains, getting to go swimming in a lake (well really a big pond) whenever it got hot, seeing a bear right by our cabin, stopping and looking up at night to see millions of stars placed there by my Creator. nature just speaks to me, it's so vividly and obviously a creation not a happening. i was reminded over and over just how great He is and that He's always with us and that He made things how they are for a reason, unique and a reflection of Him. i saw His creation everyday, in the form of nature surrounding me, in the girls in my cabin, in the staff i served beside.

it's one of those things where it was great and amazing and difficult while it was happening. you were usually glad you were there, but not always. you learn and grow a lot usually not in obvious ways but deep down ways that take time to realize. you form relationships that you love and know that you'll have to leave but can't think about that yet. and then you leave. you're thrown back into the 'real world', you're sleep deprived and a little delirious from the major changes and emotions. you begin to realize things you've learned but don't want to work too hard thinking because might as well let the changes just be then try to qualify and quantify and write them out. and you're sad to leave the people you've grown to love soooo much, but you know this is the plan and that hopefully you'll see each other and talk even though it won't be the same, but know that as much as it would stink if you didn't, it'll be ok. we had what we had and it's not coming back so might as well revel in the memories and walk into the future knowing things are different in a good way despite what happens next and God will not forsake.

july.

2011-08-01T16:04:00.002-04:00

1- overnight at joshua's hollow.

2- carnival and belle.

3- much needed chill sunday.

4- cheerwine and moonpie festival.

5- day off relaxing with the sister.

6- chow-a-thon with the boys and a chill night.

7- lake swimming, trunk moving, and tangled watching.

8- 1B closing and the saga of the mysterious finger blister sore things.

9- day off with the family. :)

10- opening day with new chill girls.

11- finally some deep sharing on chey staff.

12- pretty chill day and legit talk time.

13- legit staff time.

14- ran, hiked, and felt overall healthy.

15- cold rainy gem mining day.

16- more cold, a new weird spot, and a chill day.

17- a restful sunday at camp.

18- a relaxing day off and mom's birthday.

19- loving camp and my girls.

20- running, messy games, and cp.

21- lake time and heavyweights.

22- closing day and finally some time to relax.

23- chill day relaxing alone and with friends.

24- opening day of 2B- going all out.

25- night of chaos followed by the lake and a rainbow.

26- running, blobbing, and campfire chaos.

27- village trip to paint pottery- nice and chill.

28- inservice, fiesta, and cp.

29- overnight at buck flats.

30- long, exhausting day ending with carnival.

31- day of rest, frustration, and exhaustion.

almost over...

2011-07-31T09:11:00.002-04:00

we've got four full days of camp left after today. its crazy how time as flown. at this point we're all exhausted and i feel like i should be doing more/better for these girls but i'm not really sure what else to do so it's hard. everyone's excuse is that it's 2B but these girls deserve just as much and i really want to give it to them. also it's hard because the real world is creeping in with worries and schedules for home, RA training and school... we'll see how this all comes to a close.

2B.

2011-07-26T11:40:00.003-04:00

it's coming to an end. 2B is shaping up quiet well so far. my girls are great. i'm still energetic, partly because i've kinda been saving some up and partly because it's the last session so why not go all out? we had night of chaos in the rain last night so that makes it nice and extra chaotic. although sometimes i'm sad i didn't have the camp experience as a child, i'm glad i'm gettting it as a counselor. it's better in some ways... i can call first shower and no one will argue, i can jump in the lake pretty much whenever i want (yay for being a lifeguard!), and get the opportunity for non-dining hall food and internet in the staff lounge... :)

session break.

2011-07-22T17:27:00.002-04:00

well another session has ended so here we are again on session break. because my sister will be busy and such i'm just planning on chilling at camp for the day and a half we have off. we went out to eat and i explored asheville and went to walmart but i'm back for the night. as lame as it sounds, i'm excited to do nothing and be alone. it doesn't happen much here at camp and though i'm learning to work around not having it, it's still something my personality type needs ;) i have to finish banquet gifts and i have books to read and a hammock to sleep in and a lake to swim in so i'm pretty much set. :)

chill day.

2011-07-17T10:01:00.001-04:00

a pretty chill day here in camp. it's been cold and drizzly/rainy here at camp the past few days so for skills we played apples to apples instead of swimming, and i got to sport my cc4g sweatpants and new piggly wiggly long sleeve shirt (so glad i got that cause it was very useful!) :) went gem mining as our rainy day option to sliding rock, and last night was movie night and the staff had snack/dessert on our own. today is sunday so it's super chill, we can sleep in and have a 2 hour rest hour and i think our staff is going out to lunch or dinner. yay for relaxation :)

He provides.

2011-07-16T20:25:00.001-04:00

He provides what we need when we need it. in the past few days He's provided a great chill cabin, much needed conversations with fellow staff, healing for my weird finger blister things, a lake to cool down in, and the strength and energy needed to be here at camp and be with these girls 24/7.

this one was supposed to be posted july 13th...

opening day round 3

2011-07-16T20:23:00.000-04:00

2A starts today! i had a wonderful session break with my sister and family, and got a really great sleep last night. my girls are already awesome, none of them seem super crazy. on another, noncamp note, i have two weird blister things on my fingers... one on my pointer knuckle and one on my other ring finger... our thought is that they're some sort of allergic reaction to a scratch or bug bite and should be blisters but didn't have the chance to really fill up because they're on my fingers, the biggest on my knuckle. who knows what they are or what will happen with them but we'll see...well i'm off to singspiration then nibble nook, then bed! :)

this was supposed to be posted july 10 but i accidently posted it to the other blog...

5 years (and 3 days).

2011-07-05T15:23:00.002-04:00

it's been 5 years since i first fully accepted Christ in my life. soooo much has changed and happened in that span of time. as i look back and think, i have no doubt that it was the best decision of my life.

june.

2011-07-02T12:50:00.002-04:00

1- a very productive day on my parents anniversary- still have lots of ANA floating around though... :/

2- last full day at home, getting REALLY excited for camp.

3- first night at camp in my temporary cabin.

4- first whole day at camp.

5- raked lots of leaves and won $10 of store credit.

6- i'm a cheyenne 10 with joanna!

7- long but productive and fun after my first overnight.

8- cleaning out the lake of leaves in a kayak.

9- policies galore and village staff overlook fun.

10- first gun shooting, first blob, and first time pulled over (no ticket PTL!)

11- last day without campers.

12- 1A opening day - crazy.

13- first skills teaching and lifeguarding ever and 3 times in the lake.

14- made a fire and had cookout then campfire.

15- apples to apples with staff during spa night.

16- rattlesnake and CP talks.

17- sliding rock, moe's and dk.

18- bad storm and no power then helping in the kitchen.

19- relaxing sunday afternoon.

20- storms and underground church.

21- first day of summer and first day off.

22- drained.

23- last full day of 1A- watched heavyweights.

24- closing day then off to hicory to amy's.

25- chill day off, rested for next session.

26- opening day- relying on God for excitement.

27- night of chaos and chill night afterwards.

28- a great 20th birthday at camp.

29-pottery painting trip and too much food.

30- tie-dying, swimming and some good talk.

a week later...

2011-06-30T11:20:00.002-04:00

sorry i haven't posted in like a week... life just seems to happen here at camp. we had session break (which i spent at my friend amy's house and got to see some school friends). we got our new set of campers (pretty good kids, a bit crazy but all 12 yr olds have their moments). i had my birthday (lots of fun, got thrown in the lake, and oh my gosh i'm 20 now). we had a trip day to paint pottery (and ate more at fuddruckers than i should've). for some reason no kids ever want to take beginning swimming so i'm stuck with nothing to do during my 5th skill slot... i help marva (the director) with whatever she needs then just chill.. it's nice but i feel lazy. the weather's been pretty nice, it's gotten warmer but it was really cold last night and we had a big storm (but not as bad as the others) earlier this week. camp is really growing on me everyday. it's great and also really exhausting, but it's worth it :)

last full day of 1a.

2011-06-23T19:53:00.002-04:00

it's our last full day of 1a! weird! it's weird to think that i won't be seeing these girls (except 2 that are staying next session too) again. the schedule's all weird for today and tomorrow... i'm excited for session break though cause i'm going to hickory with two of my friends :) tonight, since our campers are all packed so we're watching heavyweights!

day off.

2011-06-21T20:45:00.002-04:00

my first full day off since camp started! i dropped a friend off at the mall then headed to my sister's house. got a little tour of her new house then chilled and talked with her. then we went and got lunch in downtown asheville. then chilled some more. she had to go to work and dylan came back so i watched tv and took a nap. picked my friend back up and we went to walmart then take a hike in black mountain so she could get chacos. had ice cream at dairy king. went to lake tomohawk and walked around then read. went to ole guacamole's for dinner. now back here at camp and just chillin in the staff lounge until like 1030 when the girls are prob/hopefully asleep. a pretty random and not especially productive day, but very relaxing and needed :)

it's christmas! (at camp)

2011-06-19T09:23:00.002-04:00

today is 'christmas' at camp. yesterday afternoon it stormed rather bad and lots of limbs fell and our power at camp got knocked out. it was nice to just chill and read cause i couldn't really do anything else... dinner was a bunch of pizzas they ordered because they couldn't cook. the activity for the three younger tribes was a movie night so they got a generator hooked up so we could watch Santa Clause. the generator kept surging so our sound kept screwing up. finally the power came back on. i went and helped them in the kitchen cause there were piles upon piles of dirty dishes. they had partially made dinner already but had to throw it all away. it was kinda fun helping clean up and stuff. then off to the cabins. showers and devo then bed. it's still storming off and on so i don't know what the plans are. sundays are different and then with the weather... who knows.

sliding rock here we come!

2011-06-17T12:35:00.002-04:00

today is our trip day to sliding rock! it's been overcast today so the water is sure to be freezing but hopefully it'll be lots of fun. we're going to moe's and then dairy king after. one of the other villages is going on an overnight so they're praying for storms, but hopefully it won't while we're at sliding rock. sorry my posts are so short, there's just so much happening and i don't know what to say and can't really remember it all now that i have time to relax for a little bit.

a couple days into 1A!

2011-06-15T12:32:00.002-04:00

so far session 1A is going great! our 10 girls are amazing! i feel so blessed to be their counselor for these next 2 weeks! they're the perfect age, they love to have fun and be silly and crazy but are really great at following directions when needed. we've been having lots of fun. the first night here we went to singspiration (singing and dancing in the chapel) then nibble nook for ice cream. monday night we had a crazy safari cruise dinner and amazing race game. as the counselor running around with them i had to put shaving cream in my hair, jump in the lake, and be wrapped up like a mummy! crazy! last night we built a fire (my first legit fire built all by myself!) and cooked our dinner, chili frito pie and doughnut s'mores. and then we had a big campfire with all of camp and sang songs then listened to a talk. after they got to the cabin the girls went crazy but it was really fun. lunch soon...

campers are here!

2011-06-13T12:37:00.002-04:00

they're here! yesterday all 10 of my new campers got here! it was pretty overwhelming and crazy! i wasn't really sure completely what to do but i think it went well. it was of course rather awkward but all our girls seem comfortable so far and having fun! i'm on skill break and soon is lunch. my first two skills i taught were swimming and it went well even though the lake was pretty cold. well, i'm off

an update since i finally have some time.

2011-06-09T18:17:00.002-04:00

so like i said we know our co's now and our cabins and we learned our campers names now. the way we found out our co's was actually really cool. we all knew it was going to happen but sharon kept stalling and then finally told us it was happening. so we all went in the dining hall and there were strings ALL over. each of our pictures was posted on the wall and tied to a string. we had to find our picture then follow/gather the string to the table of our cabin. it was crazy. there was soooo much string and it was so nervewracking, my heart was beating out of my chest because i knew where i wanted and i didn't know if i'd get it and i had no idea who my co was. it was definitely a God thing for our staff. esp after our overnight, we all just get along so well and even when we're not supposed to be with our village we still hang out and sit together. so far camp has been really cool. definitely stressful, esp the first few days. the first night in my cabin it really hit me that i'd be there the next 2 months. everyday it gets better and more comfortable and awesome. i'm not sure what else to say at the moment... when the campers are here, i'll have a free skill everyday (except on other people's days off when i have to cover) to shower and chill, then i have a day off every 2 weeks (tue the first two sessions then mon the second two), then a day and a half between sessions, and then everyday we have free swim/time which sometimes i'll have to work lifeguarding and sometimes i'll be with my campers and sometimes i'll be free... so yea. i'll have some time to update and getting to hang/talk to people but it won't really be consistant...

cheyenne.

2011-06-08T16:46:00.002-04:00

i'm a cheyenne staff officially! i'll be with 12 yr old girls that have just finished 6th grade! they're the middle age group... the awkward middle, perfect for the awkward girl :) my co is joanna, who is great and crazy but it'll be a great balance. i'm also teaching swimming in the lake for all my skill slots so that's exciting! i'll be spending lots of time at the lake between skills and lifeguarding. it's gonna be awesome. we went on an overnight after we found out so that was real cool and fun. :D

camp.

2011-06-05T18:22:00.002-04:00

so i'm at camp for the longest time ever in my life. i've been here like 2 full days, and have slept here twice. things are going pretty well. as expected (since i've never been to this camp before and didn't know anyone), it was a bit awkward (and still is) and uncertain. but it's getting better. we have 'alpha groups' that we eat with and have been doing beautification projects and stuff with so thats nice cause we can get to better know some people before we get our assignments. there's been some nice down time too that i'm not completely sure what to do with but whatev. gtg. the dinner bell rang.

tomorrow!

2011-06-02T16:29:00.002-04:00

tomorrow! tomorrow! crestridge tomorrow! :D

i will be driving by this sign and starting my first ever summer camp experience, and as a counselor at that! i'm really excited and am pretty much packed already! i'm not sure about staff week which is the first week i'm there, but i know that during sessions i'll have limited access to outside communication other than letters... my computer and phone will have to stay in the staff house which i can only go into during time off. so, write me letters! :) fb/text/whatever me for my address! i'm beyond excited and anxious. ahh!! i'll try and update whenever i get the chance... :)

europe.

2011-06-01T11:45:00.006-04:00

i'm back from my 2 week galavant in central europe for a cappella choir tour. it was lots of fun and full of great new experiences. i saw many things i've never seen before, i made better friends with choir members, and i ate lots of different food. and now i'm back home to the same old same old, though a heat wave is going through. and soon i'll be leaving for camp for pretty much the rest of the summer. you can read my little one sentence things for the days i was gone, but i thought i'd put up some pictures too :) there's alot more pictures on my facebook too.

an old palace in Warsaw, Poland

the Old Town square in Warsaw

chapel inside the salt mine- we sang here!

Krakow, Poland by night

Krakow

Auschwitz/Birkenau

field beside a church we sang at near Salmopol, Poland

St. Vitus cathedral in Prague, Czech Republic

posing with my alto buds in a Prague square

Janusz- the best tour guide ever, he led us the whole trip!

view of Altenburg, Germany- our sister city

leah, our host sister Valerie and me

all of us around Martin Luther's grave in Wittenberg, Germany

right before our last concert in Hamburg, Germany

our bus and awesome bus driver Richard

that's just a snipet of everything... so much happened and it's hard to explain it in one blog post. lots of inside jokes, fun and fellowship with friends, singing for all different people in different settings, trying different foods, experiencing 3 different languages, seeing huge fields of yellow rapeseed and tons of windmills, trying foreign beer (still disgusting), being sleep deprived, and just overall having the experience of a lifetime. :)

may.

2011-06-01T11:24:00.002-04:00

1- braves game with some great girls.

2- first day of the last week- awkward phase begins.

3- choir banquet, cru leadership, and night time storms.

4- last day of sophomore year classes- ah!

5- sunrise hike and a productively chill reading day.

6- study, test, study, eat, study, movie, study, eat, study, eat, bed.

7- final finals and packing up school life.

8- back home with my amazing family.

9- family walk and delicious homemade dinner.. summer is good.

10- relaxing at home.

11- getting real excited about summer things to come.

12- spending the night at a friend's.

13- sang at baccalureate but no bad luck on friday the 13th.

14- farmer's market lunch and quality friend and mother-daughter time.

15- packing for europe- deciding to leave white bear behind- does this make me a grownup now?

16- flying to europe and got to see bnor and rachel in the atl airport.

17- warsaw, poland and the longest day of my life.

18- first foreign concert and sip of foreign beer.

19- concert in the salt mine, lots of bus time, and tour by night.

20- shopping in the krakow old town square.

21- gorgeous mountain scenery after a sad auschwitz tour.

22- long church concert then prague - yay for a new language i still dont understand.

23- exploring prague and encountering interesting people.

24- germany - met our host family in altenburg.

25- concert at the school and a wonderful nature walk.

26- leipzig day and best shower yet.

27- saw luther's house and pretty french-style gardens and in the last city of the tour.

28- last formal concert and an interesting at the pub.

29- last europe day, with talks about superpowers and riddles.

30- home, safe and exhausted after a great 2 weeks abroad.

31- 'chill' day at home in the heatwave.

psalm 91.

2011-05-16T08:16:00.000-04:00

Psalm 91

¹ Those who live in the shelter of the Most High
will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
² This I declare about the Lord:
He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;
he is my God, and I trust him.
³ For he will rescue you from every trap
and protect you from deadly disease.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers.
He will shelter you with his wings.
His faithful promises are your armor and protection.
⁵ Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,
nor the arrow that flies in the day.
⁶ Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,
nor the disaster that strikes at midday.
⁷ Though a thousand fall at your side,
though ten thousand are dying around you,
these evils will not touch you.
⁸ Just open your eyes,
and see how the wicked are punished.

⁹ If you make the Lord your refuge,
if you make the Most High your shelter,
¹⁰ no evil will conquer you;
no plague will come near your home.
¹¹ For he will order his angels
to protect you wherever you go.
¹² They will hold you up with their hands
so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.
¹³ You will trample upon lions and cobras;
you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

¹⁴ The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
¹⁵ When they call on me, I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.
¹⁶ I will reward them with a long life
and give them my salvation.”

p.s. i'm off to europe this morning! be back in 2 weeks!! :D

should probably post something....

2011-05-14T21:53:00.002-04:00

well, since the last time i posted i've:

finished up all my classes of my sophomore year of college.

hiked and saw the sun rise.

took 4 exams and passed them all.

moved all my stuff home with the help of my lovely parents.

went back to school to sing for bacc and am back home again.

to come soon:

Europe!

as always, the end of the school year is a relief but awful at the same time. it's always nice getting done with the classes you've grown sick of, to stop studying. it's a unique thing to be stressed and spend insane amounts of time studying, only seeing friends to eat or study. it's exhilirating but miserable at the same time. and then comes the awkwardness of it all, finishing up what has become routine and knowing you'll soon leave and won't see these common places and people again for 3 months (or longer if they're graduating/transferring). every year it's weird and every year it happens. the goodbyes and see-ya-laters. theres something so final about a goodbye, a later is so much more comforting. but life isn't always comforting or easy. this earth keeps turning and life keeps ticking and things keep changing. as i stood on stage singing for the seniors at bacc, i couldn't help but imagine how it'll be me in two short years. that feels like so long, but i'm already halfway done. crazy. and the more the realities of time set in, the more i want to make it count. to be worthwhile and intentional. and it's crazy to think that so much of our lives are spent worrying about time and timing and plans, when our Creator made time and is not ruled by it at all. such an contradition, don't ya think? just another sign that we shouldn't worry about the timing and plans and actions, but the purpose and heart and glory of it all.

so. this summer, as i might've mentioned but i'm not really sure.... in 2 short days, i will be in Europe. monday morning i fly out with 39 others for Poland, Germany, and the Czech Republic for choir tour for 2 weeks. i'm really excited. i love flying (at least the thrill of taking off and landing... 8 hr flights can get boring in the middle... but they're still better than 12 hr drives). i haven't ever been to anywhere we're going either. and i've never been on a choir tour abroad (esp since i just went on my first choir tour period this spring). it'll definitely be a new experience and i'm really excited. i have no clue what to expect, and i'm ready to just be go with the flow. i really hope i can get a window seat. i'm not bringing my computer and who knows how much internet access i'll have, so no promises on updates while i'm there. you'll at least get the sentence-a-days after the fact.

just 4 days after arriving back in the US, i will be off to camp for most of the rest of the summer. i'm working at Camp Crestridge for Girls as a counselor (and lifeguard on the side). i'm super excited but like Europe, don't really know what to expect. i've never been to summer camp as a camper, let alone be a counselor. i'm sure it'll be amazing and humbling and growing. i'm looking forward to pretty much everything about it, from the nature-y-ness to getting to build relationships with the other staff and campers. we have a week of staff training which should prepare me for everything and help me feel confident about my job. then 8 weeks of campers.

just 6 days after coming home from camp, i'll be moving back in to school to start RA training. but i don't wanna think that far ahead yet. :)

so. there's my update. hopefully i'll post pictures/updates on Europe and then on camp.

april.

2011-05-02T13:54:00.002-04:00

1- a failed april fools attempt.

2- Haydn Harmoniemesse.

3- great church, parents, time with friends, first sunburn of the year, and a gushing wound to top it off.

4- a relaxed blustery day.

5- one day without shoes.

6- prayer, chocolate milk, and walking.

7- registered for fall, exercise, and outside time.

8- hope - in the weather, for community, and the future.

9- summer storm and seeing project family.

10- having to spend time with friends to study.

11- His Glory is all around, you just have to put your seeing eyes on.

12- satan is stupid- he's gonna lose.

13- my name is graven on His hands, my name is written on His heart.

14- bungee jumping and deep water rescues.

15- wisteria field picnic.

16- relaxed day to myself.

17- lake, dress, and productivity.

18- choir pictures with good ol' Martin.

19- spring dress and a flower in my hair.

20- one of those spring days you look back to and smile.

21- home to a house full of family.

22- Good Friday spent with family all day.

23- first 5k then relaxed lazy sunday.

24- Easter spent relaxing with the fam.

25- back to school to bust out the last little bit.

26- a day of winding-downs and awesome Jesus stuff.

27- satan attacking.

28- staying up late, trampoline jumping, and cookout shopping.

29- last friday of classes, and good talk/hang time.

30- sleeping in and last official concert til europe.

a long way.

2011-04-27T19:57:00.002-04:00

i've come a long way. it's crazy to look back and see all God has done. and really, it's only been a short amount of time. this summer will be the 5 yr anniversary of my new life in Christ. 5 years isn't much compared to eternity, and it's only been a fourth of my life so far. looking back at old journals, blog entries, and notebooks, it becomes even more evident how much God has grown me. and even looking back just on the last year, it's crazy how relationships have changed and grown too. i've come a long way and it isn't even really started yet. and God will do even more amazing things!

prayer in the morning, praise by night.

2011-04-21T10:49:00.002-04:00

this has described my last two days. starting the day off with prayer, and ending it with praise.

tuesday, i knew i had a crazy busy day ahead. i had class, weight training, lifeguarding class, a practical to study for, a doctor's appt (nasal septum surgery probably in my future sometime...), choir, a meeting, a cookout, and cru to end it all. none of that was bad or anything, i just woke up knowing it would be a busy, eventful, taxing day. knowing it would be one of those days, i lay in bed about to get up for the day and prayed for His strength and guidance. that i couldn't do it on my own strength and be successful, that i needed Him. and so the day went, everything went well and exciting things happened. and then to end the day, i went to cru. we just sang worship songs the whole time. it was wonderful. a roomfull of college kids, with nothing better to do (really, we dont have anything better to do but worship him, no matter how much homework we have to do) worshiping and singing to our Creator. it was just a sweet time and a great way to end a busy day. thanking Him for all He's done, for getting us through the day.

and it all happened again yesterday. not the same events, but the heart-mode was the same. prayer in the morning, praise by night. we (meaning me and 2 others) gathered to pray together after our first class. it's a time i look forward to every week, knowing that i get the priviledge to pray together with others while swinging on a porch and taking a break from classes. and we always go get chocolate milk after too which is just a wonderful closing to prayer. the day continued in its richness with a glorious lunch with 2 amazing friends, 'studying' outside with more great friends, acing an anatomy practical, eating and relaxing on the porch swing with 2 more great friends, then relaxing and having roommate talk. and capping it all off with a cookout run (what else would you expect?) with 3 wonderful friends and seeing 2 more girls there. they screwed up our order, but it was fine. then going to bed with the window open again. after a day like that, filled with lots of time soaking in the love and ease of relationships that are slowly teaching me i truely am loved, it's hard for my heart to not be full of praise. so i lay down in bed falling asleep with a song in my heart and what feels like praise seeping through my pores. another day with prayer in the morning, and praise by night. these are the days, the moments, i look back to and smile. though there was nothing specific that was world-rivitingly amazing, the little things pile up quick. and of course easter break starts today, so that might have something to do with it ;)

i guess it's a good sign when you have trouble settling down to fall asleep because you can't stop praising the Lord. ;)

He is faithful.

2011-04-19T15:29:00.004-04:00

i've been reading through the Bible chronologically. i started the first of April and have been trying to read a couple of the blocks everyday. currently, i'm into Exodus. it's funy because this morning i read the Passover story, which is ironic seeing as it started last night.

the Old Testament isn't always the most riveting thing to read... it doesn't contain the guidelines that the New Testament does, the things that are unmistakenly applicable to our current lives. the Old Testament has plenty of guidelines in it, but a lot of them don't really apply anymore now that the Messiah has come, and it's hard to know what still applies and what doesn't so it's usually easiest to just skim over all of them, which is what i find myself doing most of the time. that's something i really want to explore, Old Testament laws vs. New Testament ones and how literally we are to take them in our lives. anyways, back to what i was saying. it's been real cool to read things chronologically, in the order they happened, and see how things fit together. and having a decent knowledge of the New Testament so i can see how it fits in different places. one thing that keeps sticking out to me is how faithful He is. that when His people are being held captive in Egypt, He works for their favor and eventually they are freed. it isn't always in the timing that the Israelites wanted, just as He doesn't always do the things we want in our timing. but it happens. He kept sending plagues to Egypt to get the Pharaoh to set them free. things like killing all their crops and livestock and sending them into complete darkness. yet still "the Lord hardened Pharaoh's heart once more, and he would not let them go" (ex 10:27). though it took the radical act of killing all the firstborn sons, eventually God softened Pharaoh's heart, allowing His people to return to their rightful place.

this is a story most of us know and have heard. i hear it, think 'oh yea, the Passover, that was cool,' and move on. but when i really think about it, it demonstrates God's faithfulness. He'll do what He says He's gonna do. He's not a liar. and when we don't trust that He'll do what He's said, we are calling Him a liar. i know i don't appreciate being called a liar, and i doubt God does either. but even when we doubt Him, He still pulls through. when things finally work out, we get excited, and quickly forget. just something to ruminate on... how faithful are you in believing He is faithful? it doesn't matter what you do or say or think, God is going to be God. but He'll get so much more glory when believe and trust. we don't need a miracle to believe.

i love this song, it expresses my heart-wrenching desire to praise Him and my human inability to do so fully.

the devil is stupid.

2011-04-12T18:31:00.005-04:00

he tries to trip us up. he screws things up. he puts lies into our head. he tries to pull us from God. he attacks us when we're happy. he uses the same tricks over and over. he won't relent.

yet.

he's gonna lose. he's fighting just to be defeated and he knows it. he's really stupid.

we are guaranteed the victory. God will win. hold tight to His victory, it's here. it's coming.

time flies when it's warm out.

2011-04-10T21:12:00.003-04:00

i haven't exactly been real diligent with this stuff lately... oops. things like choir concerts, studying for organic chemistry, registering for classes, and weather that makes me want to do nothing but be outside kind of have been distracting me...

something i keep getting reminded of lately is that God really does have a plan in everything and things will work out the way they should in the end. relationships that seem confusing and pointless will, with time and prayer and surrender, become what the Lord intends them to be. friendships and relationships will form in their own time. opportunities and experiences come when you least expect them. suffering and hard times are sucky, but they have a purpose. God will find the righteousness in them all. we are called to rely on Him only. when we give up our ties to this world, it actually seems to straighten up. we're called to suffer alongside Jesus in this world, being witnesses for His love and glory. and when we keep persective and priorities, the things that aren't quite right don't seem to matter so much. He will fulfill His promises, in His own time. we have no right to worry about the clock when we serve the Creator of time. when it really comes down to it, this seemly complicated way of life, of faith, is really the simplest way to live. i thank God every day for revealing Himself to me, for giving me this forgiveness, grace, mercy, peace, and joy that can come from no where else.

this is legit:

march.

2011-04-01T22:21:00.003-04:00

1- dinner with friends that make me laugh like i'm a kid again.

2- playing a song well enough to be sung along to the day i got it.

3- first day of first choir tour.

4- roughing it in cabins on a ridge.

5- really good concert that was just fun.

6- listening to people's marry boff kill- and finishing my first choir tour.

7- got accepted as an RA for 2011-2012!

8- picking up trash on the side of the road.

9- i'm gonna be an RA in the LLC!

10- semi-productivity.

11- He makes all things work together for my good.

12- finding shorts i like and best friend time.

13- family time walking around the lake.

14- being crafty and getting messy in the process.

15- a whole dy with mommy.

16- a real lazy day.

17- chill friend time and chocolate cake.

18- hammocking, 80 degree day, family walk, and sunroom mom talk- a glorious day.

19- another glorious day of hammocking and family time.

20- back to school, and motivated to finish the semester.

21- back to the grind, and finishing Jeremiah.

22- a summer day in march.

23- a beautiful warm relatively productive day.

24- going on the roof of minges.

25- getting to relax alone after a busy week.

26- helping with the little science nerd kids.

27- movie night with the roommates.

28- deciding to just surrender.

29- my eyes are allergic to life.

30- painting and a great workout.

31- learning.

dependence.

2011-03-29T21:10:00.003-04:00

it doesn't usually have a good connotation. we don't want to be dependent. when i hear the word 'dependent', the first things that come to my mind are drugs, clingy, needy, weak... not things that people want to be associated with. but i'm learning how dependency really is the only way to live. let me qualify that statement though, dependency on God is really the only way to truely live. our culture continually tells us to be independent. we don't need help, we can do it on our own. we don't want to follow someone else, we want to be unique. however, if you really look at our patterns, we call out for help and follow things all the time. we gripe to our friends, we follow the trends set by whoever is popular at the moment. we are creatures made to be dependent. it's in our genes. we are born dependent. babies can't make it on their own, they have to depend on their mother or whoever else is around. what makes us think that things will change so radically just because we learn how to drive a motorized vehicle or take harder classes somewhere away from home? this life is a life of dependency. so who are you depending on to save you? because you are, whether you want to admit it or not.

whether i'd like to admit it or not, i've depended on other people all my life. my family especially and also friends. we were never meant to do this life alone. but depending fully on other people, humans who will inevitably fail, for life, joy, spiritual growth, love, everything, is not how we were meant to be. we were made to depend on God for everything. not just what we're willing to give up. He calls us to surrender everything and depend on Him. He will never fail you. He has our best in mind at all times. He turns all bad into our good. why would you want to depend on someone who will eventually fail in some capacity, as all us humans do, when you could depend on Someone who will never leave you? through various circumstances, i'm learning just how vital this concept is. how even though i'd rather not admit it, i still depend on other things other than God, especially for my spiritual growth and wellbeing and fullness feeling. and that He will always be there, my solid Rock, my Counselor, my Shepherd. that no matter what i'm going through, He will guide me and keep me. i can depend on Him.

so my question to you again is who/what are you depending on?

everything's right.

2011-03-20T19:10:00.002-04:00

it's spring.

flowers are blooming and budding.

leaves are budding.

it's been warm.

i can wear tshirts.

i've gotten to lay in my hammock in the sun to read & nap.

i've got a plan for the next couple years.

God's desires are making their way into my heart.

family time.

puppy walks.

back to school rejuvenated.

everything's right.

been doing a lot of thinkin lately. (what's new?)

2011-03-18T10:15:00.005-04:00

-re-evaluating some relationships that were built for a purpose but that purpose just isn't being fulfilled. finding the balance between forgiveness and 'we can work this out' & knowing when to just end that because you've been forgiving and denying and trying to move on for a while. it's tough, because it feels like such a life or death thing. we always freak out about the decisions we have to make. i'm learning more and more esp lately, that if God hasn't come down with fire before your eyes to specifically tell you what to do (not that thats not possible at all, it's just not a likely occurence in these new testament days), it's really going to be ok no matter what you choose. as long as you feel it's the right decision, it's not obviously satan work, and you've prayed about it and consulted others and no big red light is flashing, go for it! even if it's not what might be the 'best' for you, God will turn it into good. He does that. even our stupid choices, He twists them around to show His Glory and Love. so really, with Him by your side you're never alone and wandering aimlessly. it's pretty awesome.

-about God's calling and desire for our lives. it's so crazy. He freakin loves us so much and all we do is ignore Him. what would it look like if we actually started consulting what He says before we did things? what if we started really surrendering our hearts to Him, letting Him take us whereever He does, no longer idolizing the things of this world or our plans? what if we lifted the 'veil' of our flesh and allowed Him to really come and be at home in our hearts? how radically different would things be? would people know from first encounter that we really truely are otherworldly and belong to Him, we look so different and just exude His Glory? it's crazy to think about, but it's possible! we all sit around blending in, not wanting to stir stuff up, thinking it's not possible to really get that close to the God who created us. well He's already right here! He's inside of you, closer to your heart than you are. the question is never physical distance. so why can't we take hold of that and live it out? who cares if people think we're weird, i'm already an awkward nerd that doesn't really fit in. who cares if it means hardship or confusion or whatever in this world. this isn't where we're staying, and in heaven everything will be perfect. these light and momentary troubles will be far gone and forgotten when we reach the everlasting joy and glory of heaven. why are we so afraid to DO SOMETHING here? i'm not saying that i'm not afraid either, or that i don't just lie back and assume someone else will take that role or whatever. it's part of the human condition. but it's our responsibility to reach the world so that every tribe, tongue, and nation will know of Him. we have a purpose, to bring Him Glory and share it with everyone we know. so lets start doing that!

-praise. it's an interesting, kind of weird concept when you really think about it. we praise God, but do not actually see Him. maybe we're lunatics. that'd be alright with me, i'd rather be a lunatic and have a purpose for my life than be 'normal' and be lost and confused. with praise, there's this warmth, this passion, this love that just rises up inside. if you've ever listened to Jesus Culture, it's hard not to feel it (when you're paying attention to the music, not when it's just some background to your paper writing). songs that plead the Lover to dance with us to the song of all songs. that yearn for the light of His face to shine on us. that cry that the only word to describe Him is Holy. that we stand on rooftops to proclaim His love and that we are His. it's crazy what words put with a tune and music can do. it's all just different vibrations of the air, but it makes all the difference. there's something about music and music that praises Him that you just can't touch with regular words and sentences. i cant help but wonder how He smiles when He sees us singing out to Him.

oh! and on another note, it's warm today! the forsythia, and daffodils, and violets, and bradford pears, and cherries, and hyacinth, and all sorts of things are flowering! it's a tshirt and flipflops and hammock sort of day! :D

tour news!

2011-03-07T14:37:00.002-05:00

-got back last night from my first ever choir tour. lots of fun, lots of stuff goes down in 4 days! lots of stories and experiences. lots of bus time. lots of eating, sitting, singing, and sleeping. lots of learning - about people, about yourself and your limits with people after being with them for so much close time. it makes me even more excited for tour in europe in may.

-one of the nights on tour we spent the night at a lutheran camp. lots of people complained, but i rather enjoyed it. we had a campfire and everything. so excited for spending a lot of my summer at camp this year.

-the letters about RA got sent out today, and i made it! :D real excited about this as well.

-recently God has been convicting me about where i look for my spiritual nourishment and who/what i rely on. that i still expect people and relationships to be perfect and end up relying on them -> no good. struggles like that with idols and the selfish way i think keep coming up... i think i have them solved and then they're back. realizing it's always gonna be a work in progress and to not compare my life against others. none of us have arrived yet.

be humble and gentle. be patient with each other, making allowance for each other's faults because of your love. always keep yourselves united in the Holy Spirit, and bind yourselves together with peace. -ephesians 4:2-3

february.

2011-03-01T00:03:00.000-05:00

1-feeling stronger; physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

2- almost warm out and sweet Jesus time.

3- sweet reminders of God and His Love and Him guarding and changing my heart.

4- home with family and leah; comfort.

5- swimming, winterjam, and sleeping in.

6- superbowl party at the house.

7- creativity, productivity, and Jesus Culture.

8- working out and almost warmth outside.

9- God working in situations and it happening when you least expect it.

10- experiencing God's joy and peace all day.

11- piano sonata with trills that feel wonderful.

12- having no plans and things working out in the end.

13- walking around hickory with two of my favorite people.

14- remembering the love of my True Love.

15- keeping on my capris and not freezing.

16- trying to decide what business casual is for RA social tomorrow.

17- first skipped sick day morning classes.

18- tshirt weather and feeling better.

19- nature hiking, Jesus, and friends.

20- good church and hopefully-better-feeling-soon-meds.

21- getting excited and ready for the summer and possibilites.

22- feeling a whole lot better - being able to sing and swim.

23- the daffodils are sprouting and the cherries are flowering.

24- struggling with staying positive/optimistic.

25- the little things like piano feeling right, a friendship, and molten fudge cake with ice cream.

26- interview went well and had a relaxed but productive day.

27- skirt and tshirt weather and another productive evening.

28- the first thunderstorm, and the eerie warm wind before it hit.

as you can see, the weather is often one of the little good things about the day ;) sometimes, but not always, it's the only good thing i can think of for the day. i'm trying to get better about not talking about the weather all the time.... ;)

it's been a weird day.

2011-02-23T18:38:00.003-05:00

it's been a weird day.

but

What a broad world to roam in, what a sea to swim in is this God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is eternal, which means that He antedates time and is wholly independent of it. Time began in Him and will end in Him. To it He pays no tribute and from it He suffers no change. He is immutable, which means that He has never changed and can never change in any smallest measure. To change He would need to go from better to worse or from worse to better. He cannot do either, for being perfect He cannot become more perfect, and if He were to become less perfect He would be less than God. He is omniscient, which means that He knows in one free and effortless act all matter, all spirit, all relationships, all events. He has no past and He has no future. He is, and none of the limiting and qualifying terms used of creatures can apply to Him. Love and mercy and righteousness are His, and holiness so ineffable that no comparisons or figures will avail to express it. Only fire can give even a remote conception of it. In fire He appeared at the burning bush; in the pillar of fire He dwelt through all the long wilderness journey. The fire that glowed between the wings of the cherubim in the holy place was called the "shekinah," the Presence, through the years of Israel's glory, and when the Old had given place to the New, He came at Pentecost as a fiery flame and rested upon each disciple.

and

Let us beware of tinkering with our inner life in hope ourselves to rend the veil. God must do everything for us. Our part is to yield and trust. We must confess, forsake, repudiate the self-life, and then reckon it crucified. But we must be careful to distinguish lazy "acceptance" from the real work of God. We must insist upon the work being done. We dare not rest content with a neat doctrine of self-crucifixion. That is to imitate Saul and spare the best of the sheep and the oxen.
Insist that the work be done in very truth and it will be done. The cross is rough, and it is deadly, but it is effective. It does not keep its victim hanging there forever. There comes a moment when its work is finished and the suffering victim dies. After that is resurrection glory and power, and the pain is forgotten for joy that the veil is taken away and we have entered in actual spiritual experience the Presence of the living God.

when you put things into perspective, the crazy day or week that it's been fades away. the eternal becomes evident and you lose yourself in Who really matters.

(oh, and those are both quotes from the Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer, it's legit so read it)

valentine's day.

2011-02-14T18:26:00.002-05:00

why not post about it, since it only comes once a year?

i have mixed feelings about the whole thing. about valentine's day. about relationships. all that jazz.

valentine's day means that someway or another i'm gonna get chocolate, which is always a plus.

however, it means that i will be surrounded by mushygushyness, which is a minus. it brings up a lot of things that i don't like to dwell on, like the fact that i still have never had a date or anything. that the only vibes i seem to get from guys is "thanks for helping me on that homework (or doing some other task for them)" or "oh hey (and nothing more)" not too great for a girl's self-esteem sometimes, esp when we're made with the desire to be romanced. and it appears (yes, i know there are plenty others in my position, but the brain has a good way of concentrating only on what it wants to) that i am the only one in this position. and the wondering if i'm too much or not enough. that i'm too smart, too mature, too tall for someone to like me. that i'm not pretty, not outgoing, not initiative enough either. so the devil speaks his lies in my ears, and for a time i believe them. believe that i will always be the single girl and will grow old alone with a dog.

but i'm fighting back. i'm fighting him with Him. fighting lies with Truth. it's not easy, but He never promised it would be. i am the bride, and He is the bridegroom. we're in this for the long haul. no matter what, Truth and the true hope remain. that i am beautiful in His eyes and He would do anything (and did!) to save me and bring me to Him and keep me there. this is a love that does not face rejection, unless it is on my part. it won't fade, it won't lose hope, and it won't be judging. this is True Love, not just here's a card and chocolate love.

your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight -1 peter 3:3-4

this is Life. the Glory and Love of my God, my groom, my Savior. i am His Beloved and He rejoices over me with singing. nothing, nothing can match this.

behold You have come over the hills upon the mountain. to me You will run. My Beloved, You've captured my heart. won't You dance with me, oh Lover of my soul, to the song of all songs? with You, i will go. You are my Love. You are my Fair One. the winter has passed and springtime has come. won't You dance with me, oh Lover of my soul, to the song of all songs? romance me, oh Lover of my soul, to the song of all songs. -dance with me by jesus culture

a day.

2011-02-10T22:15:00.002-05:00

the last day has been so crazy. yesterday was a typical day, nothing too crazy or exciting. ended up watching the duke/carolina game with some friends. it was real fun to just hang out and watching the reactions as i was with people cheering for opposite sides. the community that is in this place again came out when one friend helped another deal with some problems too big to handle on her own anymore. it was just good. then the obligatory college night cookout run. i had stayed up way later than i should've but stayed up even later and had some real legit Jesus time. finally layed down to go to sleep and within 5 minutes, i could taste blood so i knew i had a nosebleed. got up to deal with it and while doing so watched it gently snow outside. once it stopped bleeding i went to bed finally. after only like 5 or 6 hours of sleep, i awoke feeling alive and ready for the day. not tired. and as i went to put my contacts in i realized that i could already see and had apparently slept in them without realizing it (i think the first time i've ever done that). then off to my busy day of class, weight training, lifeguarding where i swam 750m straight for the first time, lunch, had a bit of chill time where i sat on a bench in the sun and listened to jesus culture- so good, organic lab, choir, piano practice, dinner, bible study, and now in my room. and until i just know sat down knowing the day is done, do i feel tired. i know some of this is just adrenaline, but even if it is all just chemicals in my body (epinephrine and norepinephrine to be exact), i thank God for it. this last 24 hours or so has seemed like forever but it has been so great. the joy of the Lord is in my heart and everything just seemed to work out. anatomy was interesting and i didn't dream of being back in bed while in class. my body had the strength to workout then hardcore swim. the beautiful thin dusting of snow i woke up to and the beautiful cloudless sky and sunny warmth. theres just nothing i can do but praise God for it all. i don't have words to describe it. it's just crazy how much things can change in a day.

You are faithful

2011-02-09T19:24:00.002-05:00

my heart aches for you my God. my soul waits for you my God. i've come far to find you here, in this place will i draw near. and Your Spirit soars me to the highest heights, from where i'll not look back. i'll keep trusting You. for i know You are faithful, my God. from the land of the barren we will cry out for rain. fill our hearts God, i'll keep trusting You. for i know You are faithful, my God. Your Spirit inside me holds me close. in Your wonderful Presence, i let go. i cleanse my hands, You burn my heart. i cry out for love, You set me apart. for i know You are faithful, my God.
-You are faithful by Jesus Culture

this song keeps playing in my head since i heard it monday. it's definitely something i have to keep remembering and be reminded of, that He IS faithful. that He soars me to the highest heights and that He holds me close. that no matter what i don't understand, He is there.

anything you own that you can't give away actually owns you.

wow. what can't i give away?

lots of thoughts going around in my brain ranging from serious to not, such as:

- how amazingly inconsistant i am. how one week all is dandy and i have lots of legit Jesus time, then the next i could care less and don't want to make the effort even to do simple things.

- am i pouring into the people around me enough?

- am i allowing myself to be poured into?

- my camera isn't broken but it's not so great anymore and i'm going to europe this summer so i'd kinda like a new one but i feel guilty getting a new one when i dont NEED one and a camera and good photos is not at all what is most important in life and how they won't exist for eternity anyways and trying to analyze my motives.

- stupid boys again, not their presence, but their absence. wondering if i'm not doing something i should be doing or if i'm just always gonna be in this spot.

- i just want green grass, flowers, sunshine, warm weather, and less clothing on my body.

- if my heart isn't in something, should i really be doing it? like journaling or praying or reading the Bible. should i make myself do it or just because i don't feel like it, not do it? it's like exercise a lot of the time, i sometimes don't want to do it but know i should and need to and once i force myself to do it, i get into and reap lots of benefits.

- do i really know what i'm talking about?

- why do i always want something bigger and better (like a camera, phone, whatever) when my heart is (or at least should be) fully satisfied with God?

- can i just take my brain out and implant a Jesus brain?

i feel like some of these are important to ask, whereas others are just a waste of time. like why waste time wishing for green grass? it will come eventually, and i could be looking for all the good things in the interim. but i think it's good to think about and to a certain extent analyze my thoughts/motives. i just have a habit of getting carried away....

wildflower

2011-02-07T18:54:00.002-05:00

my friend had me listen to a song, it's called wildflower by the janedear girls. she thought the chorus described me and i must say i agree. :) here it is:

Hey, I'm a wildflower, growin' in the sunshine
Soakin' up the way of life I was raised in
Runnin' barefoot, bloomin' in a summer shower
Ponytail dancin', I can't help it, I'm a wildflower

january.

2011-02-01T15:05:00.004-05:00

here is my 31 sentences to describe january for me:

1- praying in the new year with great friends.

2- rereading encounter notes and reading don't waste your life by jon piper.

3- coming to grandma and grandpas-visiting my roots.

4- driving around c-u and feeling that central illinois wind.

5- chilling and doing number puzzles with my daddy.

6- pies with grandma.

7- family Christmas and praying for dinner.

8- listening to music in the car and just listening.

9- back to h-town, eating cookie dough and watching a movie with leah.

10- huge snowflakes that you can see their intricate, glorious structure.

11- walking four and a half miles in the snow at night and the thrill of a snowy night adventure.

12- being a social butterfly and getting to relax on another snow day.

13- working out to lecrae and singing again.

14- game night at the house: four on a couch, fishbowl, mafia, and redneck poker.

15- make your own sundae at the caf- vanilla, butterfinger bits, and hot fudge.

16- this is where the healing begins- realizing i'm in a pit and doing something about it.

17- being myself and slowly learning to love it.

18- pretty easily passing the swim test for lifeguarding.

19- feeling the effects of yesterday's physical activity and praying for the strength to get through tomorrow.

20- seeing a glorious sunrise right outside my window.

21- God changing your heart and then giving you what you wanted in the first place.

22- getting my cuddle quota in by a dog.

23- finally crying.

24- sixteen people at prayer during convo time.

25- allowing myself to feel.

26- God giving me just what i needed: a reminder, a reassurance, and a plan of action.

27- legit Jesus time in the library.

28- embracing my granola- hammocking.

29- hearing more about biblical disciplemaking.

30- hammocking in the sun and real life talk.

31- having chill time starting off a busy week.

well ish, they're not really grammatically correct cause i don't think any of them have a subject, it's inferred that it's me ;) and i tried to think of the best part of my day or positive things for all of them (working on getting rid of the pessimistic part of me!), though sometimes the positive seems like it would be negative, but it was good. and here i am rambling when i was gonna make it concise... ;)

beautiful.

2011-01-28T21:32:00.002-05:00

learning to believe i am beautiful, inside and out.

some great song lyrics.

'don't buy the lies, disguises, and hoops they make you jump through. you were made to fill a purpose that only you could do so there could never be a more beautiful you.' -more beautiful you by jonny diaz

'the days will come when you don't have the strength, when all you hear is you're not worth anything, wondering if you ever could be loved and if they truly saw your heart they'd see too much. i'm praying that you have the heart to fight cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight. for all the lies you've held inside so long but they are nothing in the shadow of the cross. before you ever took a breath, long before the world began, of all the wonders He possessed there was one more precious of all the earth and skies above. you're beautiful. you are made for so much more than all of this. you're beautiful. you are treasured, you are sacred, you are His, you're beautiful. you're the one He madly loves enough to die. you're beautiful. you're beautiful in His eyes.' -beautiful by mercyme

still working on believing the Truth. that i am beautiful in His eyes, the only eyes that matter.

allowing the peace.

2011-01-25T19:14:00.003-05:00

when things don't go the way you had planned, hoped or expected.

when things seem to overlap and clash.

when you don't know how you'll fit everything in.

when you don't know what's going to happen.

when you don't know what you're supposed to do.

when the only thing you want to do is run from yourself.

when nothing seems right.

when your organized life is flipped upside down.

when new daunting things come up.

when things are harder than you expected.

when you're hurt.

when the thoughts of the future stop you from sleeping.

when you worry.

when you don't have the patience.

when you can't think about anything but all your problems.

when normal isn't happening.

when all you want to do is quit.

when you want to figure out everything but can't.

when you want to know how it will all turn out.

when you doubt.

allow the peace of the Lord to come. it's there, waiting. He's there, waiting. He's inside of you, waiting. but you have to make the action to receive it, to say that you are taking hold of His Peace. that you don't know what's going on or what will happen. that you're not in control and you're not comfortable with it. but that He's got it figured out and does not do anything to hurt you. that He turns all things for the good of us who love and believe in Him. take the peace. don't wait for it to come if you're not willing to receive it. don't sit in a ball with clenched fists, refusing to get help but waiting for it to float over you magically. open those hands and just let it go, taking hold of the Peace He offers. it transcends all understanding and it is amazing. take it. allow it.

"I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. and the peace I give isn't like the peace the world gives [fleeting, incomplete, unguaranteed]. so don't be troubled or afraid." -john 14:27

my memory verse for the week:

"always be joyful. keep on praying. no matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus." -1 thessalonians 5:16-18

tidbits

2011-01-17T11:28:00.003-05:00

this is good:
http://devotions.proverbs31.org/2011/01/all-of-god’s-girls-have-issues.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+p31encouragement+%28P31+Encouragement+for+Today%29

any hope that doesn't have its root in the Lord is false hope. in one way or another, everything else in this world can fail you. but God never can, so true hope is in Him.

don't be unwilling to wait. don't move too soon. (ah, patience, that lovely trait i am constantly working on!)

don't doubt in darkness what God has shown you in the light.

when we worry we are making God a LIAR because He will always take care of us.

the focus of prayer is not the finished product, but the process of communing with God.

healing begins.

2011-01-16T18:58:00.004-05:00

this is where the healing begins, oh this is where the healing starts. when you come to where you're broken within. the light meets the dark. the light meets the dark.

that is such a good song. healing begins by tenth avenue north. listen to it (below.)

i feel like this describes my past two days. it's been a weird week. coming back to school and then having snow days and being with people 24/7. then classes finally start. then the weekend and everyone leaves and i'm alone. that plus hormones equals a girl whose emotions are nice a plyable. easy to be really happy and thankful. easy to be really lonely and crappy feeling. being alone makes it lean toward the second. so i wallow in a pit for a bit. (hey that rhymed!) i mentally cut off from everyone, believe the lies and feel nice and content in my muck. and then i realize that it's all lies. stupid devil. i'm obviously not alone because i've had people to hang out with everyday and been at least with people. and i'm never truely ever alone cause i've got God 24 hours, 365 days a year (or 366 if its a leap year.) that i've convinced myself that these lies are truth and wallowed in them. and thats stupid and unnecessary. and things aren't gonna change if i just keep doing what i'm doing. i've got to make the effort to destroy the lies and remember the Truth. the light is meeting the dark, and healing can begin. i know for a fact i'm not the only one who ever feels alone or crappy or discouraged and sometimes would rather just wallow. but that's not what God calls us to do. He doesn't want us to wallow. He wants us to blossom and radiate Him. and that doesn't happen without effort and energy. it'll take work and sometimes it's easier to believe the lies. but i know that i can't stay there for long when deep down, in the depths of my being, i know the Truth. sometimes it just takes longer to surface. but it does, oh it does. there is Love and Hope and Truth out there. we just have to have Faith. one small word holds so much depth. i'm not gonna say i'm never gonna struggle with the lies and crap and the fact that i'm a girl with plenty of feelings and emotions and desires. but it's taking me a shorter time to remember the Truth than it did last year, so i'd say that's something. i'm a work in progress. healing and growth doesn't happen overnight. it can take days, months, years. but it can start NOW. healing begins.

also found this finding the video. SO TRUE.

i watched the other three video journals that mike d made, and dude they are legit. watch them if you can. they're on youtube and their website.

sorry the edges are cut off!

i could play the background.

2011-01-13T13:51:00.002-05:00

I could play the background. I could play the background. Cuz I know sometimes I get in the way. So won't you take the lead, lead, lead. So won't you take the lead, lead, lead. And I can play the background, background. And you can take the lead.

It's evident you run the show so let me back down. You take the leading role, and I'll play the background. I know I miss my cues, know I forget my lines I'm sticking to your script, and I'm reading all your signs. I don't need my name in lights. I don't need a starring role. And why gain the whole wide world, if I'm just gon' loose my soul. And my ways ain't purified, I'll live according to your Word. I can't endure this life without your wisdom being heard. So word to every dancer for a pop star Cuz we all play the background, but mine's a rock star. Yeah. So if you need me I'll be stage right. Prayin' the whole world will start embracing stage fright. So let me fall back and stop giving my suggestions Cuz when I follow my obsessions I end up confessing. That I'm not that impressive, matter fact I'm who I are A trail of star dust leading to the superstar.

I could play the background. I could play the background. Cuz I know sometimes I get in the way. So won't you take the lead, lead, lead. So won't you take the lead, lead, lead. And I can play the background, background. And you can take the lead.

I had a dream that I was captain of my soul. I was master of my fate, lost control, and then I sank. So I don't want to take the lead Cuz I'm prone to make mistakes. All these folks that follow me gon' end up in the wrong place. So, just let me shadow you. And just let me trace your lines. Matter fact just take my pen. Here, you create my rhymes. Cuz if I do this by myself I'm scared that I'll succeed. And no longer trust in You, cuz I only trust in me. And see, that's how you end up headed to destruction. Paving a road to nowhere. Pour your life out for nothing. You pulled my card, I'm bluffing You know what's in my hand. Me I just roll to trust you to cause the dice to land. I'm in control of nothing. Follow you at any cost. Some call it sovereign will, all I know is you the boss. And man I'm so at ease. I'm so content. I play the background like it's an instrument.

I could play the background. I could play the background. Cuz I know sometimes I get in the way. So won't you take the lead, lead, lead. So won't you take the lead, lead, lead. And I can play the background, background. And you can take the lead.

I know I'm safest when I'm in your will and trust your word. And I know I'm dangerous when I trust myself; my vision blurred. And I ain't got no time to play life's foolish games. Got plenty aims but do they really glorify your name. And its a shame the way I want to do these things for you, yeah. Don't even cling to you. Take time to sit and glean from you. And its seems that you are patient in my ignorance. If ignorance is bliss, its cuz she never heard of this.

I could play the background. I could play the background. Cuz I know sometimes I get in the way. So won't you take the lead, lead, lead. So won't you take the lead, lead, lead. And I can play the background, background. And you can take the lead.

I could play the background. I could play the background. Cuz I know sometimes I get in the way. So won't you take the lead, lead, lead. So won't you take the lead, lead, lead. And I can play the background, background. And you can take the lead.

adventure.

2011-01-11T22:07:00.002-05:00

it's a snow day here in good ol hickory. snowed yesterday almost all day. they cancelled classes today. they have cancelled classes for tomorrow. i enjoyed being lazy and attempting to sleep in (to not much avail) and reading most of the day in the room. nice and cozy. however, by dinner i wanted adventure. as captivating by john and stasi eldredge says, we as women desire: a critical role in an adventure, to reveal our beauty, and to be fought for by a man. today was an example of the first. i needed to get out and do something adventurous. i know it's not quite the context that it talks about in the book, but whatever. so i found my adventure. i walked through the snow with friends to the grocery store and then to the movie theater downtown and saw a movie then back to my dorm. almost all in the dark and tromping through the snow/ice/slush. it was exilirating. sometimes we just need more adventure in our lives. i'm working on the second one (beauty) and on the third one the jury is out (no guy in sight that even remotely wants to fight for me), so i guess i can just work on the first one (although in the book they talk about the adventure role being with the guy and her playing a vital role in it but like i said, we're gonna distort it here for a min). it was physically tiring going up a hill in slush ankle deep, but it was wonderful. the cold air, the sound of boots in snow, knowing i am with good friends, and knowing that though i don't have much figured out in my life, i'm conquering something tonight (even if it's just a snowy 4 and a half mile walk) and God's got a plan, He just doesn't feel like sharing much of it right now. ;) but no matter what, He will be right beside me on my adventure.

family.

2011-01-08T23:25:00.002-05:00

tomorrow i head back to school for the spring semester.
this past week was spent with family. we went up to illinois and indiana to see the majority of our family. i don't know if it's cause i'm older or what but i feel like this trip was extra nostalgic. looking at old pictures in my grandparent's basement, hearing old stories. something about it all just made me appreciate so much more the history of our family. where we've been. the generations before me, and hopefully the generations after me.
that plus all the stuff from encounter and reading John Piper's Don't Waste Your Life, has got me thinking alot about life and family and purpose and all that jazz. thanking God for all that He's given us. and not wanting to waste the time that i have and not live it for the glory of God through my joy in Him and spreading that joy.
there's a stuffed bunny in my grandparent's basement where i slept this week. it has little elastic strings on it's feet. i remember 'dancing' with it whenever we visited my grandparents. the feet straps would slip around my feet and i'd hold it's hands and dance away. i remember it being so big i could barely maneuver it and then it being just the right size and then being a tad big. well now it comes up to my hips, barely. how could i have ever been so small and still remember it? and seeing the pictures of me going from a baby to what i am now, it's crazy. and the fact that my family has been instrumental in that growth, of course doing the obvious of feeding me and sheltering me, but the emotional growth and all that too. making sure i know i'm loved and encouraging me in everything i do. i can't help but be thankful for my family and want to show how much i love them.
and every one of those breaths and heartbeats it took for me to grow to what i am now was a gift from God. i can't think about that and not praise God and want to spend my life for Him and with Him.

that new year resolutions thing

2011-01-02T15:31:00.002-05:00

every year, millions of people make new years resolutions, in the hopes of their life being better the coming year than it was the last. goals and ideas and hopes are all good and dandy, but something that was said at encounter makes me wonder how effective this practice of making resolutions is. one of the speakers, Crawford Loritts, said that ideas (like resolutions) don't change people's lives. and it's true. you can say all these things you want to change, but if the idea is all you have, you're not going to get very far. and I'm realizing that a lot of what I do is have ideas and make note of things I don't like or want to change, but don't end up doing anything about it. it's definitely a good thing to look at a situation or your life and see what you don't like and needs to be changed, but that's just the first step and so many of us just stop there. so do make resolutions, goals, think about how you want to live your life better, then actually put a plan in place and carry it out. another thing too... we shouldn't just make resolutions/goals at the beginning of the year. we should be doing it more often than that, because it doesn't take long to slip up or for life to change. Ive been making goals for each semester the past year or so, but I'm gonna try and reevaluate every month, because even in a semester lots can change.
one of the things we talked about at campus time was what we wanted to see changed or improved this coming semester. lots of things were mentioned that we should do, like pray more or whatever, but in the end it came down to a heart issue and our dedication to doing see things with the right motivations/focus. and it's not just a few people's faults, but all of ours. that we need to work on living through the Spirit and missionally more, not just talk about what needs to get done but actually do it with a heart after God. so I've got my list of things I'd like to work on and change, now it's time to take action and entrust God with my everything. analyze your life/walk with God and see what you'd like to change and how you'd like to grow, then make it happen. change the way you think, allow the Holy Spirit to fill and overflow in you, and of course pray about it!

brain=pudding

2011-01-01T13:18:00.002-05:00

happy new year!

i'm back from encounter and it was ahmazing. getting to see all of my wonderful friends from school and project was wonderful. the worship was really really great too. and i feel like so much was mentioned and i learned a whole stinkin lot.

one thing that really struck me (and i think us all) was a presentation of a drama called 'the Bema seat.' it was about how in heaven we will receive reward for our service for Christ and his kingdom. that all our sin will not be seen, so it is not judgement in the traditional sense that implies condemnation. it's reward/recognition for things one has done to further the kingdom of God, for faith or not giving in to persecution, stuff like that. like i said, it is nothing about condemnation or bringing up all the things you've screwed up. but it does make you think about what eternal impact you're having. what your motivations are. the drama wasn't just about the judgement, but also about how much we'll be praising and worshipping God in heaven. like that all the people that got crowns threw them down before the throne. it was really thought provoking.

that plus all the other sessions and lessons were really great. i have a lot to process. things like asking myself what my motives really are for doing a lot of what i do. and we had some time to talk as a campus about what we want to bring back. and it all comes down to a heart issue. we can plan all the things in the world, but if our hearts aren't in it and we're not grasping the Holy Spirit and letting Him work through us, nothings gonna really happen.

there's so much. and my brain is pudding right now. from the overwhelming amount of thoughts and the lack of sleep. and it sounds weird, but i wonder if this brain pudding is kind of a blessing because i don't have the energy to think about all the things that crowd my brain.

the theme of the conference was 'your life changed changes the world.' something i really want to do is take the time to process and read over everything from this week and take it back. to think about my motivations before going through with something, to pray a whole lot, and to trust God with my life and let his Spirit control me. its a daily decision and living it out. so there's a lot on my brain.

one of my favorite songs from this week is 'our great God'

eternal God, unchanging, mysterious and unknown. your boundless love unfailing in grace and mercy shown. bright seraphim in ceaseless flight around your glorious throne, their voices raised both day and night in praise to you alone. hallelujah! glory be to our great God! hallelujah! glory be to our great God! Lord, we are weak and frail, helpless in the storm. surround us with your angles, hold us in your arms. our cold and ruthless enemy, his pleasure is our harm. rise up, oh Lord, and he will flee before our sovereign God. hallelujah! glory be to our great God! hallelujah! glory be to our great God! let every creature in the sea and every flying bird. let all the mountains, all the fields, and valleys of the earth. let all the moons and all the stars throughout the universe sing praises to the living God who rules them by His word. hallelujah! glory be to our great God! hallelujah! glory be to our great God!

another favorite is 'we are changed'

not any government on earth, no law that God has given, no will of man, no blood, no birth can raise a soul to heaven. we are changed, no longer in chains. once were enslaved but the Son has come and conquered the grave, so we are changed. we are changed, not by the things we've arranged, not by the works our hands have done. it's through your Son that we are changed.

good stuff.

snow

2010-12-28T11:20:00.002-05:00

it snowed this past weekend. i awoke on Christmas morning to a snow covered white wonderland. the black pea coat i wore outside just happened to keep the snowflakes rather intact instead of melting them instantly. some of the flakes were so big that when they landed on my jacket you could see the actual six-sided structure of them. it was amazing. that something that tiny is so structured yet still visible. we also went on a Christmas snow walk. it was beautiful. everything was white. we threw snowballs at eachother (it was great packing snow!) something about snow just makes everything more magical. it was so peaceful and beautiful. and later i tried out my new hammock (yay!) and snow hammocked for a little bit until i couldn't feel my fingers anymore. something about nature just makes me feel God even more. it's so pure and beautiful when we don't mess with it. and to think that this is just a fraction of the true beauty of nature and God. even if we haven't touched the nature, it is still on this world and is tainted with sin. and our eyes are tainted with sin, dulling our vision. so how much more amazing and so-beautiful-you-don't-have-words will things be in heaven when things are no longer tainted? this is just a taste.

in other news, i'm off to encounter, campus crusade's winter conference for my region, today. i'm super excited to see my friends from school, family from project, and of course have lots of good Jesus time and teaching. :)

much.

2010-12-23T00:35:00.003-05:00

much going on lately. with all the various activities and events of the holidays. seeing friends i haven't seen in too long. christmas. family time. winter cru conference. with trying to figure out what i want to do with my life and planning how to accomplish it. with free time that seems to waste away quicker than you realize. with this overactive brain of mine thats currently set on staying on the topic of relationships (or lack of). with the constant energy to stay tight with God when i'm no longer in a routine and my emotions seem to be everywhere.

there's much trouble and confusion. but there's much grace and love. how much more with God give those who put their faith in Him. how much more valuable we are to God than the birds and flowers. how much fruit we can bear. how much more glory there will be in heaven. and frankly these good muches outweigh all the icky muches. how ever much things seem confusing and helpless, there is so much more help and direction from God. God always outweighs the crap of this world.

so what much are you focusing on?

so good.

2010-12-20T10:30:00.001-05:00

tidbits

2010-12-17T11:34:00.003-05:00

*recently read Psalm 119 all the way through and really meditated on it. it's so full of the psalmist being devoted and commited to the ways of God, even if they don't make sense. i want that. also, an interesting thing i noticed was that almost every verse (of the 176) says something about God's law, principles, promises, commands... so they must be important if a whole psalm talks about them and staying true to them.

*Psalm 117 is quite intriguing too, but for the opposite reason. instead of being the longest psalm (and maybe chapeter of the bible), it's the shortest one. and it's about praising God.

praise the Lord, all you nations. praise Him, all you people of the earth. for he loves us with unfailing love; the faithfulness of the Lord endures forever. praise the Lord!

its short, sweet and to the point.

*been watching the Nooma series videos by Rob Bell on Youtube every morning. it might be illegal that they're up there, but i found a user that has almost all of them full length, though they're subtitled in italian (which means even more knowledge for my brain to soak in!). they're good. some hit home more than others, but they all have one specific point and it helps me get focused and have something on my mind to think/pray about. you should check them out.

*last night, i was looking through my journal from last year's Encounter (the cru winter conference). its crazy, especially looking at where i journaled, how much i continue to struggle with the same things. it's like i become aware of something, then work hard to rely on God and work towards fixing it, somewhere along the way it gets better enough that i don't notice it and kinda forget about it, then randomly it comes up again and the cycle starts over. i hate it, but i feel like this is just the way things are with the human brain. there are so many things that i struggle with/need/want to grow in, but my poor human brain can't keep track of them all all at once. i guess i could write them down, but when i do that i become overwhelmed by how crappy i am and sometimes get to the point where i feel unfixable even by God. anyways, so it's funny to see that what i was learning then, i'm still learning now but in a different more tangible way. i also found some great quotes/tidbits from my journal.

-its not a matter of whether you're worshipping, but whether you're worshipping well.

-He doesn't just forgive us. He restores us.

-be continually aware and available to be used by God even if it's weird and uncomfortable and awkward and insignificant and audacious.

-if you can't look back and see peace, you can't look forward in hope.

-spend your life loving the arms big enough to crush galaxies but gentle enough to comfort and hold you.

-don't take it personally when the universe inflicts pain on you, it's a global problem.

-you are not just a sinner saved by grace. you are a saint who has the life of Christ at the center of your being.

-the Christian life is not about Christ. it is Christ.

reading over this stuff and remembering last year's Encounter gets me sooooooo excited for this year. i loved last year, but i feel like this year is going to be even better. i know alot more people, more school people, i have project peeps, i know some of the staff. i'm just excited for the social aspect but more importantly, the spiritual aspect. they're having the same great band they did last year and i'm sure the speaker(s) will be awesome. but before i can go to Encounter, we have Christmas! :)

dont love me. love God.

2010-12-14T00:09:00.000-05:00

overwhelemed.

2010-12-13T07:47:00.003-05:00

its easy to be overwhelmed sometimes. with life. with God. thats where i feel i'm at right now. school has been rather overwhelming lately with final exams and the such. social life here at school has been overwhelming because we are all so busy with finals and planning to head home for the break. it's easy to get caught up in the whirlwind and not know which way is up. i also feel like right now i'm overwhelmed with myself, with God. i'm overwhelmed with the things He has done in my life this semester, that He's still here and we're still going and He still adores me. i'm overwhelmed by what i'm finding out about myself, the tendencies and character traits that are from God but not always used that way. i'm overwhelmed by how i've grown, but even more how much i still have to grow. how much crap i still have to work through and work on. i'm overwhelmed by the sunrise to my left, nothing in particularly jaw-dropping, just a sun rising on a cold winter day. but theres a thin layer of snow on the grass and the fact that God continues to bring light to me everyday is overwhelming. i'm in a whirlwind of His love and my insignificancies and shortcomings. it's hard to know which way's up sometimes.

these things called finals..

2010-12-09T17:44:00.002-05:00

how am i supposed to study a whole semester's worth of material? if i don't know it well enough now, i probably won't tomorrow morning. and i've been doing well in my classes so far, so am i really gonna poof forget everything? and sometimes i think studying too much freaks me out and i end up doing worse instead of just trusting my brain. so here we are, on reading day, a day without classes, designated to be spent studying (which i'm not even sure i know how to do). so you don't get dressed and you procrastinate by eating and watching one tree hill and talking to people, then read your notes some. i'd have to say finals time is one of the loneliest times of the year though for sure. everyone's going every which way studying and doing all sorts of things. and so you end up with quite a bit of time alone. and when you are with people, everyone is so preoccupied by exams and the stress and excitement that break is soon. so it all seems so fake and distant and school work becomes an idol in everyones life it seems like. finals are overrated i think. if they were just another test we wouldn't freak out near enough. but everyone fears that they'll forget everything they've learned or they haven't learned anything all semester and cram to learn it all in a couple days. i love being at school and i love the friends and everything here, but finals week just sucks. even when i'm not worried out about my exams. :p

2010-12-04T22:45:00.001-05:00

Singet dem Herrn ein neues Lied, denn er tut Wunder. Er sieget mit seiner Rechten und mit seinem heilgen Arm. Der Herr lässet sein Heil verkündigen; vor den Völkern läßt er seine Gerechtigkeit offenbaren. Er gedenket an seigne Gnade und Wahreheit dem Hause Israel. Aller Welt Enden sehen das Heil unsers Gottes. Jauchzet dem Herren, alle Welt; singet, rühmet und lobet! Lobet den Herren mit Harfen, mit Harfen und Psalmen. Mit trompeten und Posaunen. Jauchzet vor dem Herren, dem Könige! Das Meer brause, und was drinnen ist. der Erdboden, und die drauf wohnen. Die Wasserströme frohlokken, und alle Berge sei'n frölich vor dem Herrnl denn er kommt, das Erdreich zu richten. Er wird den Erdboden richten mit Gerechtigkeit und die Völker mit Techt. Ehre sei dem Vater und dem Sohn und auch dem heilgen Geiste; bie es war im Anfang, jetzt und immerdar, und von Ewigkeit zu Ewigkeit, Amen.

to add on to that last post...

2010-12-03T23:30:00.003-05:00

i just can't stop thinking about it and how thankful i am for all God has given me and done this past semester. even though i still have crap going on and things don't always work out, i feel like now i really know and BELIEVE that people love me. that even when people know me really well and see all the crap wrong with me and know i'm not perfect, they still love me and care for me. granted, not everyone in the world is like that, but i'm finding lots that are. and to think, for the longest time i had myself convinced that i was fine on my own and didn't need anyone or that just one or two other people in my life was enough. it's such a God thing. i can see all the facets of His creation in all of these people. ahh. it's just so amazing. i don't really have any other way to explain it... :)

community.

2010-12-02T22:07:00.002-05:00

i'm sure i've posted about it before, but it's so amazing. i feel like this year i've finally found my niche and have developed a great community of people. i have my project family that i unfortunately don't get to share everyday life with but i know they are always there and love me. and i've developed some great relationships at school this semester. esp with girls my age. that i feel comfortable around and we're always encouraging and loving on each other. it's great. :)

just a few things...

2010-11-27T00:52:00.003-05:00

just a few things i'm thankful for. i could expand on all of these, from a paragraph to pages. i'll spare you for now though. ;) it's amazing how many things you can think of once you get that mindset. also, i've italicized some of the ones i feel are most important.

family
friends
school
body
JESUS
nature
house
food
work
music
art
books
sleep
deodorant
clothes
grace
mercy
forgiveness
life
resources
LOVE
joy
pain
growth
science
creation
rain
sun
understanding
glasses/contacts
medicine
light
GOD
truth
kleenex
soap
blood
flowers
Holy Spirit
discernment
the crap
water
chemical reactions in our body
cars
technology
trust
time
eternity
color
breath
community
cru
people
hope
energy
power
salvation
the Bible
trials
relationships
emotions
the past
possibilities
this moment
experiences
faith
laughter
hugs
conversation
knowledge
thunderstorms
wisdom
mountains
creativity
thought
beauty
romance
provision
prayer
peace
confidence
restoration
strength
comfort
blankets
puppies
rocking chairs, porch swings, and hammocks
buttons
bags
weather
knives
wheels
change
happiness
the sky
math
alarm clocks
opportunities
snow
help
writing
language
communication
honesty
umbrellas
expression
tools
the seasons
dreams
desires
free will
failure
puzzles
maps
paint
warmth
second chances
challenges
depth
concern

i could go on and on and like i said, once i start, it's hard for me to stop. and alot of these are very broad (hence the pages possible of expandation). i challenge you to make a list. whatever comes to mind first, write it down. they can be frivolous like kleenex, or serious like Jesus and love. and really, we should be thankful for everything, even the stuff we hate.

'let your life overflow with thanksgiving for all He has done' -colossians 2:7

worship styles.

2010-11-21T22:27:00.003-05:00

something that has really struck me the past few days is all the different ways to worship. i've experienced many in the past few days. you've got the upbeat rap kind of style from Lecrae and the like. went to the gospel choir concert, which is different still. and then contrast those with the more subdued yet still passionate worship at my church, contemporary christian music. then there's the more upbeat stylings of david crowder and hillsong and others. the traditional hymns in traditional churches. and then you've got a cappella choir kind of stuff that is still worship, but some of it isn't even in english and has a different tone to it. it's crazy that there are so many ways to worship God, and He enjoys and listens to it all. it must be a crazy thing to hear, all of these sounds blending together into a sweet symphony of praise. and can one way really be right over another? as long as it's done to praise God, it works. :)

good stuff.

2010-11-20T13:15:00.002-05:00

read this. it's long, but really good!

went to the Lecrae concert last night. it was amazing. they didn't just sing, they worshipped and made sure people understood the point. this was one of my favorite songs.

the heavens tell of the glory of God. the skies display his marvelous craftsmanship.

surrender.

2010-11-18T23:09:00.002-05:00

so. i haven't blogged much lately. and it's been on purpose. not that i don't have things to say or things that are going on. but, back when i blogged alot (like before project), i often used this little square of interweb to vomit. to tell what i was feeling, what was happening, because sometimes i just needed to get it out and no one was available to talk or would understand or i just didn't want to have the human connection and responsibility attatched to it all. and that just wasn't healthy. i needed to get those things out, but somewhere on the internet where anyone can read them wasn't the right place to put them. instead, i need to (and have been lately) take them to God first, writing things out in a journal that won't end up confusing/complicating real life and people, and then if it's a major issue, talking to someone about it. but one on one and in real time face to face, not hiding behind font. i'm not really sure what to do about this blog then, because a journal is sort of what it turned into. i think i am going to still post every now and then, but probably about what God is teaching me or something random and amazing. no more pity party.

like i said, God's been teaching me a whole stinkin lot lately. i feel like everytime i turn around i realize something else about Him, and it's like the never ending rabbit hole. once you think you've got one thing figured out, a million more things pop up. but i think that's just how this life is. He's shown me idols in my life, and i've seen Him slowly change me and move my heart away from those things. it's really been amazing. i feel like i'm finally building a good community here at school, and knowing that i have a community of great people at home and summer projecters all over helps too. and i'm not so desparate for everything to be perfect. i've become a lot better at just going with the flow and being open to new things and broadening my horizons. i think a lot of this growth has to do with surrender. my daily surrender to God. surrender sounds like such a harsh word, something you don't want to do, an admittance of weakness. but gosh, it's so freeing. compared to God, i am weak. i don't have things figured out. i'm not going to. crazy unexpected things are gonna happen. i won't be prepared. but. God's got it all covered. and instead of finding shame in the fact that i'm never going to measure up to Him, i can find freedom. i can just give it all up to Him. i can wake up, and before i even get out of bed, release everything to His power. commit my day to His purposes and glory and know that in the end, He'll make everything work out. i might not see it today, or even tomorrow, or this month. but it'll get figured out eventually. and when you think and remember the eternal, things down here don't seem so life-consuming.

finding my life in Him and surrendering myself. it's a sure way to find joy and purpose in an all-too-often crazy mixed up world.

exciting!!

2010-10-22T14:12:00.002-04:00

i know i havent posted in awhile... my life has been up and down the past couple weeks. crazy. but, i'm back for you readers (that dont really exist). right now i'm just excited about life. school is chugging along. relationships are forming/getting better or rearranging for the better. i get to see a bunch of lovely projecters this weekend. the weather is beautiful and full of fall. and to top it all off, its friday!! i'm off to clemson for the weekend! :D

oh nothing.

2010-10-05T15:34:00.002-04:00

all the worry, the mental preparing, the physical preparing, for nothing.

that seems to be the way my life is going lately.

lots of pretense, but usually for nothing.

not that things aren't happening, but nothing as bad as anticipated.

this next weekend is homecoming, so that's bound to keep things interesting.

otherwise, business as usual...

life.

2010-09-30T21:19:00.002-04:00

so it seems to be affecting everyone. it's busy season. everyone's life is just getting busy. mine included. classes are giving more work/studying. now that i'm tutoring, i've got that too. and then being gone last weekend. and now more doctors appointments (so fun!) next week, complicating classes and scheduling. but it's all been really really good. i don't know if i've just had a better perspective/been closer to God, or i'm just too busy to think/overanalyze. i'm gonna go for a mix of all the above. spending time with people lately, having lots to do... i don't have to find my fulfillment and joy in this world. but the little bits and pieces add up. tutoring people, even if i'm not really making that much money, is rewarding. i can help people and be productive and gives me something to do with my time. and helps fill up my people quota :) and that plus the random sightings of friends on campus, lunch/dinner with friends, and the every now and then deep good convo, plus my real quota filler God... :) good stuff. i've also realized that when something happens, esp with physical health stuff, i dwell on it for a day (sometimes 2) and then just move on. i find the peace of it in God and keep going. i'd rather that then dwell on it for forever, but it's still annoying that i get wrapped up in it at all. i don't know that theres really away to not get slightly wrapped up in it, being human and all.

anywho. life is good. potential. fulfillment from God (not from this world/people who will eventually let me down). legit. :)

so good.

2010-09-26T21:18:00.002-04:00

so again, i don't remember the last thing i wrote but whatever. after an interesting week, this weekend was soo good! fall retreat was amazing. i got to hang out with a lot of Jesus-lovin folk. awesome worship. awesome talks. meeting the freshman girls. seeing rachel!!!! recentering. such good stuff. and then this afternoon/night was the a cappella choir's first two performances. had to leave fall retreat slightly early to be back in time, but whatever. i really enjoy singing in the big group. all our voices together sound so good. and at the second church the resonance was amazing. you also get a chance to talk to your fellow members and hang out waiting for rehersal and for the concert and eating after. we sing grace and then sing thank you to the church folk who feed us. it's so cheezy yet so fun. :) those robes can get hot, and standing for forever in the not most comfortable shoes too, but you just gotta ignore it ;)

this weekend was really good just to remind me of everything i have in life. all my blessings and just re-centering me in general. :)

now to bed...

simple.

2010-09-17T22:56:00.002-04:00

it's so weird how simple solutions are sometimes.

feeling alone, lost, confused, crappy, unknown...

can be fixed by something as simple as

reading the Bible and praying. remembering God. just hanging out with friends. hearing that someone feels the same exact way as you. living life with other people. a sunny day.

they bring hope. offer reassurance and love.

so often we forget about the simple solutions. i know i tend to overthink and analyze how to fix something. but there are so many simple ways to improve things. and even if you're all alone and no friends are around or free, God will never be too busy to talk.

never.

its.

that.

simple.

who knows.

2010-09-17T17:51:00.003-04:00

it's been a while since i posted... oops.

anyways. when i think about the last week, i dont know. i feel like so much has happened yet nothing at all has happened at the same time. nothing particularly remarkable has happened physically. well my parents came for parent weekend last weekend so that was nice. it's always nice to see them and be with them. :)

it's more just been a daily, sometimes hourly, battle to keep my head on straight. just generally having trouble remembering and dwelling on the truth and not believing the lies. it all seems very complicated and confusing. i want to figure it out and get it straight but so often feelings can seem so much like the truth. and it's all a big knot of yarn. too bad i don't have scissors to just stop my brain from thinking... ;) i want to and feel like and try to explain it to someone else, but its just so confusing and contradictory that i'm not even sure whats going on in my head, so its impossible to explain it to someone else.

i'm trying. to focus on the truth. to stop thinking so darn much about every little thing. blah.

miss you.

2010-09-09T10:49:00.003-04:00

i'm really missing project today. especially the people and community of it. there were 24 people i was surrounded by all the time. i love them. they love me. we shared our lives together. there's nothing like it or close much here. yes, i live in a suite with 3 other great girls. and theres the community aspect that i have with cru. but its not the same. at all. there, in gatlinburg. at the chateau, on the strip, in the village, in the national park. we grew into family. it wasn't out of place to talk about anything and everything. one minute be jamming out and dancing together. the next be sharing our life stories. i long for that intimacy and vulnerability. its not like that here at school. if you're having lunch with someone and then just semi-randomly say 'hey, whats your life story, i want to know you better, find out where you've come from,' it would prob end in awkwardness and avoidance. but not there. a walk down the strip turned into a long sit and chat in the village sharing our testimonies. talks in 405, sharing some of our deepest thoughts with eachother. things we hide otherwise. things that seem to be hidden and tucked away here. i feel like i dont really know anyone here at school, compared to how well i know project people. i long to be with them again, yet i know that even when i see them again, it wont be the same. i want to have a great community here at lr. but there isn't the trust, the vulnerability, the closeness. yes, i know quite a few people. but thats like know as in i'm fine with making small talk. not serious stuff. i feel like here at school theres not many, if any, i can really talk to. to be vulnerable with. to tell whats really going on inside, not just scrape over the surface and put on a smile because it would take too much time to really explain it all and they dont really know me anyways. i miss you, smspers. you've changed my life in ways i couldnt imagine. helped me take off the face and really share life with. shown me what a real community is like. shown me that i am beautiful and worthy and God's creation, that i dont have to pretend or act different to try to fit in. that there is such thing as legit community and unfailing, unconditional love. that i can tell my story, not because it's mine, but because it's God's. i just wish we'd all be together like that again sometime sooner than heaven...

good things.

2010-09-06T21:49:00.002-04:00

slip 'n' slides. inflatable ones. on a friday afternoon thats warm and sunny. nothing like being with great people, running and flinging yourself around, and being all wet and smelling like apple blossom dish soap. and drying off in the warm sun. maybe even getting slighly tan (or burnt in my case). still feeling my muscles rebelling from it all though. but it was tots mcgots worth it.

weekends. ah, so lovely. time to get things done. but also time to just do whatever you want. go to the game, even if we lose. help with concessions. watch friends with friends. get to know new friends better. legit town.

rendez-vous. i'm learning oh so well lately that not everything needs to be planned out. planning everything creates stress, which in turn creates kind of awkwardness and uncertainty of whether things are going ok. i was freaking out minorly that this slip 'n' slide for cru had no distinct plans other than that there was going to be a slip 'n' slide on the lawn. but it turned out great. and the people i feel like i've always had to plan to see and catch up with just end up eating with me. things are so much more chillax at school in the social ring this year. i'm fine with eating alone if thats what happens, but people almost always pop up to eat and do things with. it adds such a needed casual air to life and social interactions.

random inspiration. just finished the book velvet elvis by rob bell. its pretty legit. stocked full of good junk. here's a passage that struck me/applies to what i've been going through lately:

"and so we are learning how to suffer well. not to avoid it but to feel the full force of it. ... following Jesus may bring on problems you never imagined.

suffering is a place where cliches don't work and words often fail. i was at lunch last week with a friend who is in the middle of some difficult days, and i don't have any answers. i just dont. i cant fix it for him. i've tried. and we sat there and talked and ate, and i let him know that i'm in it with him. it isnt very pretty and it isn't very fun, but when we join together in the pain and confusion, God is there. sometimes it means we sit in silence for a while, not knowing what to say. and it is in our suffering together that we find out we are not alone. we find out who really loves us. we find out that with these people around us, we can make it through anything. and that gives us something to celebrate."

also "time spent around the table with eachother is time spent with God."

good things. :)

finding further freedom.

2010-09-02T19:27:00.003-04:00

so we've been at this whole classes thing for over a week. schedule is pretty well set in my brain. routines are being reformed. i'm involved in things i love. i have time to chill, time to study, time to do stuff like classes and other activities. in one aspect, the time is flying away. but in the other, when i stop and think. breath. it kinda creeps too. when i stop and think of all the blessings God has given me, just going to this next class doesnt seem so hohum and pointless. He has blessed me with the opportunity to be here, to be poured into, to pour into others. to grow. to mature.

even in this second week, a couple of my classes are getting more intense. thats the way it works when you take anatomy and organic chemistry. not huge leaps yet, but i'm waiting for it. so my life seems to be gearing up and getting busier. its oh so tempting to freak out. to see 4 classes on my schedule, plus studying and hw that needs to be done, not to mention eating, and freak. to just see busyness and convince myself i have no time to live, no time to stop and think. that has happened to me a couple times this week, with what seems like straight activity all day. and then i realize i have 2 hours to chill. my mind seems to scrap over any amount of time thats less than an hour and assume it doesnt exist. which is not true. it's there to be lived. a 45 minute blob of time could be flown away watching tv or surfing the internet, if that is your aim. or it could be cherished. having lunch or dinner with a great friend. being in the company of others. being productive and getting work done so you don't have to think about it at night when you have a good 2 or 3 hour block usually. in the midst of all the so called busyness, i've had a dinner or two with friends that seems like we were there for hours. talking about important issues but also just sharing eachothers life and presence. a 45 minute dinner can seem like the best 3 hours of your day. take for example too the time in the morning before class. now, i have 820 classes every weekday. i don't particularly enjoy getting up early. i've never been a big morning person. but esp over project, and now too, i'm learning to embrace them. all my time in gatlinburg i had to get up at 715ish, same as here at school. i learned to take advantage of that time. it only really takes like 10, 15 min to actually get ready for me. then i have like half an hour to eat/do whatever. last year, i would spend that time surfing the interwebs. well because i wanted to/it was suggested that i do/internet wasn't a consistent thing in gburg, i got in the habit of reading the Bible or doing something of that sort in that time instead. i usually do my quiet time at night, but doing that extra study/reading in the morning, even just for 30 minutes, is an awesome way to start the day and i feel so much closer to God. good stuff.

the adjustments back to school are different yet so much the same. i've been here before. i know how it works. but everyone has grown and changed during the summer. i feel like this summer was a huge leap in my relationship with God. centering my life further around Him, remembering Him in my daily life, trying to live for His purposes not mine, knowing who i am in Him instead of who i might be to this world. in some relationships, its took a nose dive. in others, its blossomed. as i think i wrote before, just all the possibilities life and this school hold are exciting. all the people i can get to know better, get deeper with. all the things i can do. so much potential. when are we ever in this state again in our lives?

obviously, i have a lot to say tonight... but i'm not done yet ;)

so physically, i'm just getting more and more confusing. new things are happening that aren't great, but its unknown right now. mainly just minor inconveniences at the moment. earlier this week, i just got wrapped up in all the possibilities and the negative side of it all. all i could think about was just how screwed up i am, how i dont know whats wrong, and might never know. yes God is good and all that jazz, but it just didn't seem to matter. i just felt awkward and kinda awful. but thanks to lunch with a good friend, i realized how good off i am. yes, crap is wrong, and yes i might never find out what exactly it is. but. how blessed i am! what great friends i have that when i make it clear that somethings wrong i need to talk, they'll make time. they'll put things in perspective. they'll just be there, even though they can't help figure it out any more than i can, no matter how much we want. that God is there, and knows everything. my future is in His hands. that He rescues us from death. that when i am weak, i am strong in Him. with Him as the center of my life, no circumstances can take my joy away. all of this and knowing further who i am in Him, who He sees me as, has helped me to find even further freedom in this life. i dont have to play a part. He has created me this way for a reason. i am called to be myself, letting His Glory shine through His beautiful creation. all i really have to do is be with Him. keep Him the center, check that i am doing things for Him not for me or this world. such a comfort and release. i can be weak, because He is my strength. and as my life gets filled with more things to do, more responsibilities, more obstacles... instead of feeling more and more repressed and discontent, i find myself feeling more and more free and full of joy. it's obviously not coming from this world, cause it's crumbling. but i know Who it's coming from, and i'm gonna keep following Him. the guy who spoke at cru this week (so glad its started back up for the year!) said that this is our home, and that it's not the people who are responsible for the great things, its God who is working through them. that the people most unaware of their impact in your life are the ones with the biggest. that not one of us is any better in God's eyes, no matter how holy we seem on this campus. its not us. its Him.

i encourage whoever is reading this (if anyone) to turn from focusing on the things that we have to do, the people we try to please, the crap we have to deal with, and turn to Him. just find your joy and identity in Him, and find further freedom. even as things get more cramped.

alright, i think thats all that i wanted to say/ramble about... ;)

oh... though, two good songs have been stuck in my head since sunday when we sung them in church. divine romance by phil wickham and beautiful scandalous night by robbie seay band. legit. check them out ;)