sun=Son

went on a sunrise hike this past sunday.  i try to go on one every year before the school year starts. something about hiking, seeing the sunrise, being in nature, helps me to refocus on what the coming year will hold and start my time on campus praising the Creator.  i know i've expounded multiple times on the immense Glory i see in sunrises, and nature in general.  for me, it's unmistakable that this is all a creation and that One created it. it was not a happen-chance deal, this earth.
i actually went alone this time, which i've not done before.  it was a bit scary but mostly glorious.  this summer has really taught me how to be alone and be ok with it and really use that time to my advantage. that i am never truely alone because He is always with me.  to quiet my soul and listen to it's Lover.  that i am not dependent on anyone except Him.  as i'm back at school, i'm already finding it hard to remember these lessons from the summer and apply them.  i'm such a busy-body and it can be hard to find myself with alone time and nothing in particular to get done.  He's still working on me, and i'm excited for all He'll teach me in that area and others this year.

the one thing that struck me with the view i experienced this sunrise hike was the return of Jesus.  the way the clouds and fog were, the sun came and went.  at first (as always), the sun was hidden but you could start to see the light and know it was on it's way.  then, in all it's glory, it slowly rose out of the mountains and fog.  in it's rich oranges and yellows it lit the mountainscape upon which i stood.  but there was another strip of clouds in it's path.  so eventually, as it continued to rise, the sun went behind this big cloud.  the burning mass of gas was hidden once again, but it's light was still evident.  the mountains below were bathed in a soft warm light and sunrays spread out of the cloud.  and then, finally, the sun was out of the clouds and bright as ever, unobstructed.
now you're probably wondering, 'ok, so there was a cloud in the way and the sun went behind it for a bit and came back out, big deal'... but the first thing it reminded me of was the Son. how for so long so many years ago He was hidden (before Jesus on earth).  He was present and you could even start to see His Light, but His body was hidden.  and then, bursting forth in glorious light, He came on earth and was no longer hidden (Jesus on earth).  there was no denying His glory, but He was soon hidden again (Jesus went back to heaven).  this is the time we live in now, knowing the Light and seeing it's evidence, but the Source is hidden. but soon, He will return (the second coming)! right now we can see His rays peeking from behind the clouds.  and someday soon He will burst forth once again, never to be hidden again! i don't know about you, but i'm pretty freakin stoked for that day!
side note: it also strikes me that our eyes can't fully comprehend the light of the sun so we see spots and can even go blind if we stare at it too long, in a similar way we can't fully comprehend the Son! that might be a weird connection in my brain that doesn't really make sense, but whatever...

am i a fool?

"our dedication to Christ makes us look like fools, but you are so wise! we are weak, but you are so powerful! you are well thought of, but we are laughed at. to this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, without enough clothes to keep us warm. we have endured many beatings, and have no homes of our own. we have worked wearily with our own hands to earn our living. we bless those who curse us. we are patient with those who abuse us. we respond gently when evil things are said about us. yet we are treated like world's garbage, like everybody's trash- right up to the present moment" -1 corinthians 4:10-13



   am i considered a fool? if not, i should be. i pray to be. when we are called to follow Christ, we are not destined to be considered sane in this world. i am no longer of this world. if we are not considered fools by this world, are we really wholeheartedly following Christ? for the ways of this world and the ways of God don't readily match up. we are called to love others no matter the circumstances. when someone takes takes your shirt, offer your coat too. if someone slaps you on the cheek, offer the other cheek too.
   i've been reading the book Jesus for President by Claiborne and Haw, and in it so much of what they talk about is being ordinary radicals. to love radically. instead of retaliating, surprise the person who offends or opposes you with love. forgive. "you must make allowance for each other's faults and forgive the person who offends you. remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others." (col 3:13)
   they talked in the book about how politics and national pride works into the Gospel. i've always not been a huge fan of politics and all that so it was refreshing to me to know other people are on the same page as me. why so much hate and unforgiveness among the nations? it doesn't say 'love your neighbor as yourself, unless they belong to the country who had a citizen bomb yours'. what makes America the country and people God loves and blesses and not France or Pakistan or anywhere else? when Jesus came he broke the exclusivity towards the Jews and opened it to the Gentiles. God so loved the WORLD, each of us, not just those of us in a politically or economically successful country or job or neighborhood. it's a touchy confusing subject, but violence always perpetuates more violence. WWI was the 'war to end all wars' but that didn't seem to work out did it?
   i know it's cliche and hippie-sounding to say 'lets have peace and love will break through', but it's also true. our witness for others through our lives and the way we love is how many others know God. people who don't go to church or read the Bible will get their greatest impression of who God is through our actions and words.
   so are we so radical in our love and our devotion to God that we're considered fools by others? are we radical enough in a way that is considered foolish because it's just weird and not what the world would do? but radical in the way that is also respectable, being radical with love and consideration and forgiveness, not in the world's common radical violence or superiority? to be considered fools but for that to be a compliment. to be so other-worldly that others don't understand it but can't not respect it. that's how i want to live. radical with my love, which is ultimately coming from Him. fully for God and embodying his attributes (to the best i can, i'm never gonna get there and be perfect), no matter what others think of me. so ask yourself, am i considered a fool? if not, maybe you should be...

am i not enough?

so summer is practically half over, especially since i have to be back at school early for RA. and since i've been home i haven't posted anything, partly because i don't know what to say, partly because i've been busy with shadowing and guarding, and partly because it's summer and i'm just lazy.
but lately, i've been learning. the other two college summers i've gone off somewhere doing some sort of ministry full time but this summer i'm home shadowing and working. it's definitely different, being home for the whole summer, i haven't done it since high school. and even in high school i went on a mission trip with my church for a week. the only places i'm going/have gone this summer is a wedding in virginia and the beach for a long weekend for my birthday. that's about it. so for the girl that is always busy and always finding something to do or somewhere to be, it's quite different to have a lot of free time (relative to the usual at school and the past summers). not to mention the stark difference in community from school. at school i'm constantly around people and if i'm alone it often isn't for that long. here at home it's mostly just me and my parents, my coworkers, and my one friend Caroline that's also here this summer. i think that this difference might be the reason why God called me to stay home this summer. to work on finding my true comfort and identity in the Lord.
the other night i was really convicted by how i continue to run and hide from God and find my comfort and identity in the things i do and planning out the future. i read job 15:11 which says "is God's comfort too little for you?". why do i keep searching for comfort in the things i do and what i think the future will bring and in other people? is God's endless perfect comfort not enough? i felt like it was God pleading with me "am I not enough?". so often i am asking God if i am enough, but maybe the root of my personal struggle of worth is my view of God. if i don't really believe that God is enough than how am i supposed to believe that i, His creation, am enough? one can not be greater than their Creator so if He is not enough than i am never going to be either. my identity is rooted in His, so to have a more solid handle of my identity (which would perpetuate more comfort and confidence and security and therefore ability to glorify God more) i must have a solid handle and confidence in His identity. He whispers to face the shadows because He is Light. and that He will do anything to get all of me because He is jealous God and knows that that is best for me. in my mind from the Bible and everything i've experience i know that He is enough, but it takes time for it to work its way to my heart. without it being at home in my heart, it reverts to doubt and unrest. i pray i can continually become more sure of His identity and therefore mine, knowing that indeed He is enough.

p.s. this is a great song

i may fall, but i will rise

i hung my head for the last time
in surrender and despair
before i'm dead i'll take the last climb
up the mountain, face my fears
the time has come to make a choice
use my voice for the love of every man
my minds made up, never again
never again will i turn round

though they may surround me like lions
and crush me on all sides
i may fall, but i will rise
not by my might, or my power, or by the strength of swords
only through your love my Lord
all we've lost will be restored

take courage sons, for we must go under
the heart of darkness and set them free
but don't lose heart when you see the numbers
there's no measure for the faith we bring
it's given to us to overcome
if we run where the spirit calls us on
the greatest things have yet to come
with the dawn we will rise

though they may surround me like lions
and crush me on all sides
i may fall, but i will rise
not by my might, or my power, or by the strength of swords
only through your love my Lord
all we've lost will be restored

i may fall but i will rise.  not by MY might or power or strength but only through HIS love.  all i've lost will be restored.  the greatest things have yet to come.
this is what i need to hear.  it's the end of the semester.  classes end in 2 days.  exams will be in one week.  i'll be home all summer, with shadowing and job, something i've not done.  i'm applying to physician assistant schools, not knowing if i'll get in any.  i'll be returning to school as a senior, my last year of undergraduate.  people everywhere i turn are getting engaged and married (which i'm so happy for them, don't get me wrong!), while i still sit here wondering if a guy will ever choose me.  i'm constantly being attacked mentally (and somewhat physically though that's debatable) by the devil, trying to get me to believe that i'm too much but not enough at the same time, creating doubts about everything under the sun from my identity to my friends to God.  i feel like i'm striving for something i'll never reach, knowing i never will because i'm reaching by my might and power, not through the love of the Lover of my soul.  it's hard, actually impossible, to be so busy and still try to walk confidently in the light when i'm leaning on my own power.  these things, these demands and worries and doubts, may surround me like lions, crushing me on all sides, but by His love and power i will rise and all that's lost will be restored.  there is no measure to the faith he gives to overcome, the greatest things have yet to come.

"no temptation has seized you except what is common to man.  and God is faithful; He will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you can bear.  but when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." -1 corinthians 10:13

if you haven't listened to josh garrels, you should.  this is the lyrics to rise on his album love & war & the sea in between.  they're smooth listening, but if you stop and listen to the words they have real power. plus his voice just has that something that just expresses the soul.

men.

i've been having a rather difficult time lately being content with still being single. i know that God is using this time for great things and to teach me things i need to learn on my own, but lately i've just become very impatient and actually prideful that i've learned everything i need to know so why haven't i met that guy yet...  it's been a journey and i won't lie that some days i'm so glad and thankful i've never been on a date but other days i just sit waiting and wondering if and when it'll ever be my turn.  2 things have helped me through this this past week, both other people's writing.
in just do something by kevin deyoung, he writes:
'let me say it one more time: there is nothing wrong with being single.  it can be a gift from the Lord and a gift to the church.  but when there is an overabundance of Christian singles who want to be married, this is a problem.  and it's a problem i put squarely at the feet of young men whose immaturity, passivity, and indecision are pushing their hormones to the limits of self-control, delaying the growing-up process, and forcing countless numbers of young women to spend lots of time and money pursuing a career (which is not necessarily wrong) when they would rather be getting married and having children.  men, if you want to be married, find a godly gal, treat her right, talk to her parents, pop the question, tie the knot, and start making babies.'
and this post: http://goodwomenproject.com/dating/i-dont-flirt-anymore-so-that-i-wont-get-hurt
"I don’t have the scars some girls carry from a really horrible breakup or relationship gone wrong. I have scars of an entirely different kind."
it's hard for sure, being the one that's never been on a date in her life.  except for obviously friend things on the fly, i've never eaten with a guy alone.  i'm not gonna pretend it doesn't hurt a little everytime i hear people getting asked on dates or getting love letters.  but i have to cling to the fact that His planning is best and His timing is perfect.  i may think i'm mature and ready, but that doesn't mean that my man is.  and i can't believe the lie that it's all my fault.  guys need to step up too.  i'm not saying i'm good at hanging out with guys cause i just never have had many guy friends, that i'm not part of the reason.  but i'm sure enough about how God intends things so i'll wait for that guy to step up and be a man and make a move. until then (and after that happens..) the Lover of my soul holds me and pursues me.

got hope?

yesterday i finished reading the Bible all the way through in a little bit less than a year.  it was really cool to see the whole story in chronological order and see how God's story weaves through all 66 books.  something that struck me as i was reading the last chapter was how even though there's a whole bunch of junk that happens in the Bible (death, life, persecution, suffering, grace...) the first and last chapter are full of hope.  that despite all that happens, hope remains.  love remains.  the first chapter of Genesis talks of creation, of us being created in His own image, so full of potential and hope.  nothing yet had gone wrong, it was perfection.  and then the last chapter of Revelation tells of heaven and Jesus coming, of the free water of life He offers, that He is coming soon.  despite all that's happened, Jesus is coming and everything will be redeemed and perfect once again.  "'He will live with them, and they will be His people.  God himself will be with them.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain.  for the old world and it's evils are gone forever.'  and the one seated on the throne says 'behold, I am making all things new!'" (rev 21:3-5) if that's not hope, i don't know what is.  that soon all of this will be gone and we will be with Him, Him with us, joy for eternity.  we will return to perfect union with our Creator as it was intended in the beginning when He made the heavens and the earth.  life gets ya down, but there is oh so much hope for those of us who belong to Christ Jesus and have faith and believe.

you are mine. (valentine's edition)

so i wasn't planning on playing up the whole cliche valentines stuff today.  but.  it's happening ;)
today at the hospital i got a cupcake that had one of those little plastic rings on it and it was in the shape of a conversation heart and said 'be mine' on it.  i didn't think much of it, ate the cupcake (yum!) and threw the ring away cause it was big and gaudy and had sticky icing all over it.
so this evening at cru we had a night where we did a prayer wheel, basically different short stages of different kinds of prayer such as mediation, intercession, praise, etc.  well during one part we were supposed to just sit and listen to the Lord.  i could only hear one thing over and over, 'you are mine'.  it was on repeat in my brain.  i got a little fed up and was like 'ok, give me something else, i've got that i'm yours, let's move on!'  but He said 'no.  this is what you need.  you are mine.'  and that's all i could hear in my thoughts, 'you are mine' over and over and over.
now later as i think, how integral it is to realize that we are His.  we've heard it before, been there done that.  but really, do we believe it?  the way we act and think doesn't usually show it.  if we truly know and believe and live out that we are His, we would be secure in our identity because it would be rooted in our secure knowledge of Him and His identity.  we wouldn't worry.  we would love extragantly knowing that we are His and that's all that matters and all we need so we can love sacrificially because at the end of the day we are fulfilled and held.  how different would we look if we really truly believed and lived out that simple phrase?  so much can be pulled out of that.  we are His! we have been bought by His blood and are no longer ours but His.  we are His to show His glory and spread His name.  everything pales in comparison to being His.
so in this last hour of valentine's day as people ask 'be mine?', know that God has already said 'you are mine'.  it is not a question anymore, but a promise and truth that rings as long as we have Him in our hearts.   remember, no matter your situation in life, God is saying 'you are MINE'.

the Word.

look, God is all-powerful.  who is a teacher like Him? no one can tell Him what to do.  no one can say to Him, 'you have done wrong.' instead, glorify His mighty works, singing songs of praise.  everyone has seen these things, but only from a distance.  look, God is exalted beyond what we can understand.  His years are without number.  He draws up the water vapor and then distills it into rain.  the rain pours down from the clouds, and everyone benefits from it.  can anyone really understand the spreading of the clouds and the thunder that rolls forth from heaven? see how He spreads the lightning around Him and how it lights up the depths of the sea.  by His mighty acts He governs the people, giving them food in abundance.  He fills His hands with lightning bolts.  He hurls each at its target.  the thunder announces His presence; the storm announces His indignant anger.  my heart pounds as i think of this.  it leaps within me.  listen carefully to the thunder of God's voice as it rolls from His mouth.  it rolls across the heavens, and His lightning flashes out in every direction.  then comes the roaring of the thunder- the tremendous voice of His majesty.  He does not restrain the thunder when He speaks.  God's voice is glorious in the thunder.  we cannot comprehend the greatness of His power.  He directs the snow to fall on the earth and tells the rain to pour down.  everyone stops working at such a time so they can recognize His power.  the wild animals hide in the rocks or in their dens.  the stormy wind comes from its chamber and the driving winds bring the cold.  God's breath sends the ice, freezing wide expanses of water.  He loads the clouds with moisture, and they flash with His lightning.  the clouds turn around and around under His direction.  they do whatever He commands throughout the eart.  He causes things to happen on earth, either as a punishment or as a sign of His unfailing love.  listen, stop and consider the wonderful miracles of God! do you know how God controls the storm and causes the lightning to flash forth from His clouds? do you understand how He balances the clouds with wonderful perfection and skill? when you are sweltering in your clothes and the south wind dies down and everything is still, He makes the skies reflect the heat like a giant mirror.  can you do that?  you think you know so much, so teach the rest of us what to say to God.  we are too ignorant to make our own arguments.  should God be told that i want to speak? can we speak when we are confused?  we cannot look at the sun, for it shines brightly in the sky when the wind clears away the clouds.  golden splendor comes from the mountain of God.  He is clothed in dazzling splendor.  we cannot imagine the power of the Almighty, yet He is so just and merciful that He does not oppress us. no wonder people everywhere fear Him.  people who are truly wise show Him reverence.

for the truth about God is known to them instinctively.  God has put this knowledge in their hearts.  from the time the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky and all that God made.  they can clearly see His invisible qualities- his eternal power and divine nature.  so they have no excuse whatsoever for not knowing God.

for all have sinned; all fall short of God's glorious standard.  yet now God in His gracious kindness declares us not guilty.  He has done this through Christ Jesus, who has freed us by taking away our sins.  for God sent Jesus to take the punishment for our sins and to satisfy God's anger against us.  we are made right with God when we believe that Jesus shed His blood, sacrificing His life for us.  God was being entirely fair and just when He did not punish those who sinned in former times.  and He is entirely fair and just in this present time when He declares sinners to be right in His sight because they believe in Jesus.




*Job 36:22-37:24; Romans 1:19-20; Romans 3:23-26

the power.

the power in me is the power that raised Christ from the dead.

that's pretty crazy when you think about it.  as a new creation and daughter of God, He indwells me just as He indwelt Christ.  now obviously there are some differences between Christ and i, the whole perfect Lamb and dying for the sins of the world part... but we forget the power we have inside of us.  here i am at the beginning of crazy busy hard semester freaking out that things are gonna get done when i don't even have anything to do yet.  but He says 'no temptation has seized you except what is common to man. and I am faithful; I will not let you be tempted (or tried) beyond what you can bear.  and when you are tempted, I will provide a way out so you can stand up under it.'  so why am i worried again?  He says 'do not fear, for I am with you and I am your God.  I will strengthen and help and uphold you victoriously.  I have called you by name. you are Mine.  you will not drown or be consumed by fire.'  and as if that wasn't enough, He says 'I am your Prince of Peace, Everlasting Father, Mighty God, and Wonderful Counselor.'  so really, what backing and excuses do i have now with my worry? if i need peace, He will be it.  if i need counseling, He will be it.  if i need strength and might, He will be it.  if i need fatherly love or direction or even discipline, He will be it.  the power that is in me and for me is the same power that raised Christ from the dead.  He sustains the flowers and birds that are here today but gone tommorrow, won't He more surely care for His child? He is my portion, He is mine forever.

december.

1- a really weird relax but back-to-back day.
2- snowball- bringing out the outgoing amy.
3- first Christmas concert of the year and time with the 'rents.
4- more friend time and resolution than a usual day- can every day be like this?
5- Christmas concert and more friend chill and catchup time -blessings.
6- swam, last concert, another movie and cuddle time- waiting for the pit.
7- last day of classes and just a good day.
8- a really great social but chill reading day.
9- first exam, lots of chill and a bumpin midnight breakfast!
10- another exam, and more chill socialness.
11- church then studying, studying, and more studying.
12- last exams and more social chilling - soo great to just share life.
13- shopping, crafting and chilling, again a social life!
14- chillin like a villain.
15- helped out at extreme makeover home edition.
16- got to see Amy then just crashing Ashley's life.
17- fire under a million stars.
18- towed, Christmas tree, and home.
19- GRE done.
20- got to see Heather and started a big puzzle.
21- doctor's to show i don't need drugs.
22- really chill rainy day at home.
23- shopping complete and puppy snuggles.
24- cookie making and movies.
25- Christmas!
26- relaxed day with the fam.
27- got to see all three of my hometown besties.
28- seeing so many lovely friends at Encounter!
29- lots of listening and hanging out.
30- dynamic.
31- outreach then praying in the new year.

see?

it's the day after Christmas.  we didn't really do our usual Christmas stuff yesterday.  because of my sister's  work schedule and such we're doing 'family Christmas' (exchanging gifts and such) on new years day.  so yesterday we just chilled, went on a walk with the dog, and ate lots of cookies.  because of this and the lack of actually cold weather the last couple weeks it hasn't really felt like Christmas.  we didn't have presents under the tree until yesterday afternoon, we don't have Christmas lights up on our house, my sister isn't here. but i've been learning a lot lately about what truely matters, what God really calls us to.
yes, Christmas is very important because it is the day Christ was born and that's a pretty important thing.  like life-changing.  but our culture's obsession with the material reprocussions of Christmas and so many people's analysis of life during this season has taken over.  yes, i want to give special attention to His birth around Christmas, but i want to really live for Him all year around not just when the songs on the radio talk about His birth.  and a huge part of that is seeing.
truely seeing.
perspective is such a huge thing, as i'm realizing more and more.  He calls us to a childlike faith, simplicity.  to take life one day at a time and truely be thankful for everything.  to see where He has and is faithful and blessings He has given us each day.  to see today and praise Him for it, whatever it brings, and simply trust that He will provide tomorrow.  also, to see that we're in a battle.  that satan is lying to us everywhere we turn and to see those lies.  to see that He will win and is always victorious and that if we recognzie those lies we can lean on Him to defeat them.  it's about seeing and realizing, to really experience His Presence everyday and live the full life He offers.  it's a constant thing, to see, but it's soooo worth it.


p.s. i've been reading Practicing the Presence by Goldsmith and Waking the Dead by Eldridge... legit.

isaiah 9:6

For a child is born to us, a son is given to us.  And the government will rest on his shoulders.  These will be his royal titles: Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. 

we talked about this verse at cru last week and it's resurfaced a couple times since then.  of course the obvious that it's Christmastime and that the opening of this verse is for a child is born to us, a pretty obvious reference to Jesus and His birth (aka Christmas).  but something even more than that has really been hitting my heart lately, the last day or so.  the royal titles.  Wonderful Counselor.  Mighty God.  Everlasting Father.  Prince of Peace.  these are the things He is for us.  i feel like these four names really describe what i need Him to be.  sometimes i need advice, sometimes strength or power, sometimes security, sometimes comfort or peace.  which of these do you need God to be for you right now? i know i need all of them in so many ways in different circumstances and facets of my life.  and the crazy thing is that He's all of them all of the way all of the time.  crazy.  this is Who i serve, Who i love with all my being.  the One who is everything.

november.

1- resolution.
2- busy productive breathing.
3- revelation of truth.
4- girl's weekend.
5- salted caramel hot chocolate & too much salad.
6- trying to let it all go.
7- allowing the Lord to provide.
8- lost my ring but my true treasures are not here.
9- dependence should be on the Lord alone.
10- swam a kilometer without stopping.
11- thinking to be had.
12- a lazy saturday, much needed.
13- college lunch, winning soccer game from pks, & a chill duty night.
14- just a really great monday- legit talk, exercise, great dinner, & decisions made.
15- love is the answer- am i doing all i can?
16- very productive day & a litle realization concerning prayer.
17- big presentation done & a survival bracelet.
18- singing, volunteering, & vegging.
19- lazy reading saturday.
20- a lazy sunday to round out the weekend.
21- finished up the work & got to relax more.
22- home for thanksgiving!
23- raked leaves & went on a long walk in the woods. :)
24- thanksgiving.
25- relaxing finally.
26- best friend time & chick flick with mom.
27- a crazy day of coming back & spontaneous friend time.
28- playing in puddles and laughing til i cry.
29- real talk & showing emotion.
30- ant wrangling & thoughts abound.

being thankful (a little late).

it's hard sometimes to find thanks is the busy crazy life of a college junior.  everywhere i turn there are things to be done or things to think about.  subjects to study, people to spend time with, decisions about the future to make, lots of different relationships and things to ponder and analyze, and of course the need to spend time with my Father.  it all comes at me at once when i wake up, some days a lot harder than others.  but such is life.  and i realize that once i graduate, it won't get any easier or slower.  i'll have grad school work to do (hopefully) and then a job to go to and all those adult-like things to get done.  life is not gonna slow down for me.  i need to remember to live in the now and stop looking forward into the future, where i can't see God alongside me and there are no certainties, or back to the past, where i can't change what's happened and dwelling too long only increases the pain and regret.  i need to focus on the now, the present, whether that's practicing for the choir concerts coming real soon or sitting alone in my room with nothing to do because i'm on duty or that i have 5 million things to do in 18 hours.  the only way i can do this, this living in the right now, is to notice and be thankful.  yes of course we just celebrated thanksgiving, which is a great time to show our thanks.  but i'd rather give thanks everyday, not just one out of 365.  i'm starting to keep a little journal, with things i'm thankful for.  im challenging myself to pay attention during the day, to notice the now, to record these things.  it can be a person, or the fog that gently envelops the campus, or a blessing of no rain for an event, or just that oxygen exists.  noticing these details and things helps me to stop and right my perspective.  to remember how tiny i am and how big and loving He is.  how none of this stuff exists without Him and i did nothing to help with pretty much all of it.  that i don't know what tomorrow or the next year will hold, but i know that right now i am deeply loved and there are so many things to be thankful for, even the crap, and that He will still be here with me when i wake up tomorrow and we can start again.  the more i go through and think and try to analyze things in life, the more i realize that that's not what He wants.  i don't need to analyze and figure out everything, like other people's motives (which is sometimes necessary to know but the best person to ask would be them, not myself!) or what next year will bring.  childlike faith and thankfulness for the now is what He asks, and we make that way more complicated than it needs to be.  so just breathe, and look for the little things He has already done.

the shack.

i read The Shack by William Young this weekend.  i read the first few chapters thursday when i was on duty, then read more than half yesterday and finished it today.  it's been great being able to just chill and lay on my bed and read.  i feel like things said in it really spoke to me and what i'm kind of thinking through right now.  like:
-we were created to be loved.  to live as if you are unloved is a limitation, not you are limited because you are unloved.  how often do i live and act and think like i'm not truely loved?  just this morning i found myself dwelling on the fact that i always seem to be forgotten and how that must be a reprocussion of unlove.
-relationships are never about power, and one way to avoid the will to power is to choose to limit oneself - to serve. dang. when you think about it, almost all relationships revolve around power in some form, there often seems to be this subconscious qualification of what the relationship is and who has the upperhand or  whatever... there's always underlying comparison going on, a fight for power. and the way that we can fight against that is to limit ourselves, get rid of our selfishness, and serve.  to stop worrying about who's better or worse and serve out of love and just genuinely care for eachother wherever they're at.
-when you chose independence over relationship, you become a danger to each other.  others became objects to be manipulated or managed for your own happiness.  authority, as you usually think of it, is merely the excuse the strong use to make others conform to what they want. oh dear. even more about how self-serving we are! and it's true!  we use each other to fit our needs and wants instead of just being in relationship with eachother.  when we choose to (which is usually subconscious) be on our own and choose to serve ourselves, we endanger each other.  true love cannot flow when we're caught up in ourselves.
-God won't use you.  unlike people might and probably will if you really love and serve freely, God won't use you and leave you hanging.
-the real underlying flaw in your life is that you don't think that God is good.  if you knew that He is good and that everything - the means, the ends, and all the processes of individual lives- is all covered by goodness, then while you might not always understand what He's doing, you would trust Him. ahh! i want to truely, in my heart of hearts, believe and know that God is good and that no matter what, i would trust Him and know He really works all things for my good, especially when i don't understand.
-trust is the fruit of a relationship in which you know you are loved. so true, but hadn't thought about it that way before.  the people that i don't really trust are the ones in which i don't really know and feel like they love me.
-you must give up your right to decide what is good and evil on your own terms.  that's a hard pill to swallow; choosing to only live in Him. to do that you must know Him enough to trust Him and learn to rest in His inherent goodness. um, yes please! i want this!
-genuine relationships are marked by submission even when your choices are not helpful or healthy.  submission is not about authority and it is not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect.  i feel like this goes back to all the other things above..
-following God is not being just like Jesus (cause we won't be!)  but for your independence to be killed. dependence on Him is what's truely important and vital.
-learn to live loved.
-you have to take the time to prepare the soil if you want it to embrace the seed.  patience, grasshopper, patience.
-this whole thing is a process, not an event.  all He wants from you is to trust Him with what little you can, and grow in loving people around you with the same love He shares with you.  it's not your job to change them, or to convince them.  you are free to love without an agenda. back to the whole relationship thing.  loving without an agenda or motives or goals to fulfill.  just love. !!!
-faith does not grow in the house of certainty. faith does not come from things we know, but relying on things we might not be sure of.
-true love never forces.  if it's an obligation or forced than it's not true love.
-each relationship between two people is absolutely unique.  that is why you cannot love two people the same.  it simply is not possible.  you love each person differently because of who they are and the uniqueness that they draw out of you.  and the more you know another, the richer the colors of that relationship. back to that you can't compare thing.  it won't ever be the same between you and two different people.  or between two people together and you with either of them. don't compare.
-if God wanted you to know, He'd tell you.
-if anything matters then everything matters.  because you are important, everything you do is important.  every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, God's purposes are accomplished and nothing will ever be the same again. who you are and what you do, whether you think it's acknowledged or not, matters and changes things.

so yea.  it's alot of dense, life-perspective-changing stuff.  we are a body and we are called to love one another as God loves us.  that means resolving conflicts (in a godly way of course).  that means serving each other without putting expectations on them or comparing people.  build a monument to remember what God has done in your life.  don't forget what He's already done.  but don't lose sight of all that He still can do.  and don't isolate yourself, it won't help anyone.

i am who i am, take it or leave it.

coming to realize and learn alot about myself lately...
like the fact that apparently my intelligence and outward confidence makes me intimidating to other people and that my awkward shyness may come across as snobbyness, which they are totally not meant as.  i am going to be who i am, i am who God made me to be.  He made me intelligent, with a capable brain, and i plan to use it.  it might not make me a whole lot of close friends because it takes work to truely know someone.  but i'm ok with that.  God will always be with me, whether anyone else is or not, and that's what matters.  i've learned to not go running after people when they shrug me off repeatedly.  in some ways i just wanna get to heaven where i'll be with the Lover of my soul forever, but i know He has a purpose for me here (which i'm still trying to discern the details of).  and He tells me to not lose heart because i will come across troubles in this world.   i don't have a 'type' but i don't need to fit one.  i am His Beloved and that's what really matters.

october.

1- lazy day and a night at the fair.
2- brett's ride, workout, and laundry avalanche.
3- moody tired monday.
4- rocky day towards the end.
5- getting a better attitude- maybe the flu shot had happy hormones in it...
6- a much better warm duty day/night.
7- oktoberfest with lots of cool people.
8- homecoming festivities and winning football and women's soccer.
9- college lunch, ragan visit, hammock time, and duty with only one office hour : score.
10- a happy monday.
11- finally being able to get things off my chest.
12- joy sprouting from no specific source.
13- home for fall break!
14- sister day and room cleaning.
15- fall family day out to the mountains.
16- fall family day relaxing at home.
17- three doctors and a space station sighting.
18- last day of fall break and back to hickory.
19- back to classes and being academically productive.
20- 82 degree pool on a 40 degree day equals happiness.
21- a very lovely octover friday.
22- sunrise hike up kitsuma and amazing talk time.
23- great church and relax time.
24- monday monday.
25- piano is my escape.
26- productive but exhausting hump day.
27- got in a hammock nap. :)
28- got to see mom, dad and mary again!
29- games, bonfire, and sleepover.
30- spaghetti and curly hair.
31- halloween curls and faith.

a manifesto.

this life has never been about me.  since that faithful day in july 5 years ago, it hasn't been about me.  heck, even before i believed God and His Truth, it wasn't about me.  it's never been about me.  this whole life of mine has always been to show God's glory.  there is no way i can live and breathe without glorifying the Creator.  so many things in my body happen every second that can only point to Him. the One who is the only true purpose of my life and the sustainer of my soul.
i've known this but i've never really realized it.  it's been there but i haven't embraced it as my own, lived it out.  this life i live is not for me or my glory or even for the glory of these people i live with and around.  crap will come in life, as it has the habit of doing.  but that in no way at all means God is not glorified.  if anything, God is glorified more through my crap than through my peace sometimes.  me actively, vividly giving up control and knowing this life is not my own is one of the most worshipful things i could ever do.  why do i think i have the right to comfort? or the right to be right? or to know?  what makes me think i have the right to control?  those things have never and will never be mine.  they belong only to the One who created all things. the One who created me.  and by His grace, He gives me comfort, understanding, even the figment of control.  but it is still never mine to take as my own, to hold tight to my chest knowing it will never leave.  God gives and God takes away, but that second half doesn't make Him a less loving God.  if anything, it shows His love even more.  that He not just wants to give us good things, but He loves us enough to take things away and grow us in hard hard ways by taking things away.  He loves us the way we are but He also loves us so much to not let us stay that way.  to show us our weakness and unworthiness and brokenness. to show us we really aren't the boss of our life.  that we really don't know what's going on or will happen.
every moment i live is for His glory, whether i choose to take hold of that reality or not.  that is how i'm made, to glorify Him.  i pray that i would really, truly glorify the Lover of my soul with everything i do. with the love i give and show others, with the sacrifices i make, with the truths i hold close and the lies i turn away.  i pray i would stay steadfast in this love, the way He does.   i know i will fail because i am human, but that does not stop me from doing what i can with all my all, leaning on the One who can strengthen me to do things otherwise impossible.   this life is not mine, but God has graciously, mercifully, taken on those failures and given me this Life to live for Him.  it is my only option for living, truly living.  to let go of everything and breathe in His power and grace and truth and presence only to let it escape from me onto the world.  this life is not about me. it never has been, and never ever will be.

a barefoot blue jean night.

this weekend was wonderful.  friday i finished my hours of 'internship' stuff for this semester so thats out of the way.  mom and dad and mary came over that night and we had dinner and dessert.  it's always great all being together, even if just for a night to exchange cars ;)  then saturday i got to sleep in and have lots of sweet Jesus time.  worked concessions for the football game (which we won) then watched the girls soccer win, making them season champs (or whatever thats called).  then ended up going over to ashley's house, we had a bonfire and slept over.  it was wonderful.  i got to spend time with friends i don't get to see nearly enough and i wasnt feeling like i had to initiate and be crazy and energetic and welcoming if i didn't feel like it.  but i had an amazing time chopping up pallets with an ax, sitting by the fire, setting off cheap bottle rocket fireworks and sleeping on a couch that was more comfortable than my bed.  and after being forced to listen to country music all night, it wasn't THAT bad.  probably not something i'll ever choose to listen to, but no other music would've fit a bonfire.  saturday was just a wonderful day, filled with many things i love.  sunday was pretty normal but i got to have homemade (not mass produced) spaghetti twice and got my hair curled (which it still is wavy even after sleeping and a whole day!).  it's almost annoying having such a good weekend cause it makes coming back to the usual school more unexciting and i want everyday/every weekend to be like that and it wont.  i'm just so thankful for the friends and opportunities God places in my life everyday, even if it's not what i'm planning or expecting at the moment.  

you formed my knees to bend

I know who I am

Once I was nameless, alone and you found me

You formed my knees to bend

You call me Beloved, I am perfection

All my failures won’t condemn me

Or leave me paralyzed and bound

When I’m at my worst

Your Love, it finds me first

By you, I can run in the night

For by you, I can run in the night

For I am such a man

Seized by the power of a great affection

No matter where I am

Peace spreads below me in every direction

When evil sets the war upon me

I won’t stumble, I won’t fall

Though they do their worst

Your love has found me first

For by you, I can run in the night

For by you, I can run in the night

For by you, I can run in the night

Hide me in the shelter of

Keep me in the cover of

Lead me in the light of your love

Hide me in the light of your love

No matter where I am

Whom shall I fear

Lead me in the light

-Run in the Night (based on Ps 27) by Jars of Clay feat. Thad Cockrell