Jehovah-Jireh

Jehovah-Jireh is Hebrew for the Lord Who Provides.
as i'm preparing to switch phones, i was going through locked texts (i keep because i want to remember whatever wisdom someone sent me) and notes in my current phone.  it's pretty funny actually, because i had locked texts from more than a year ago, and a decent number of them had something to do with someone reassuring me that the Lord provides.  even more recent ones.  i sensed a theme in what i often need help to remember.
there's always something i'm waiting for the Lord to provide.  energy, a certain kind of friend, discernment, answers to prayers, life events, a good attitude.  the list goes on an on, because really we should be totally dependent on the Lord for everything. and God's not a magic genie that gives everything instantly, so we are often left waiting.  as i've looked back at my old journals lately, it's amazing to me how the Lord really does provide.  things like a successful girl's weekend that pretty much fell on my shoulders.  or a best friend i honestly can't imagine not being in my life or me not being able to tell pretty much anything.  or energy to get through a hectic season in life.  i see how i've prayed over and over for things, waiting on the Lord, hoping and praying that He would provide (and secretly not being so sure).  and as i look back, so many of these things have been provided.  the future is unsure, and there is a current list of things i'm waiting on the Lord to provide.  but seeing the past actions of my God, i can have more faith that He will continue to provide.  it often doesn't look the way we imagine or happen when we'd like.  but it happens, and it's so great that it's beyond our imagination.
for my first 3 years of college i watched person after person find a best friend, a companion, a confidant to whom they can count on for practically anything.  i had a few hopeful relationships that never really became what i was hoping for or imagined.  i honestly got pretty bitter towards the Lord for keeping me feeling so alone for so long, never really fitting.  and i got pretty bitter at those friends that i loved but wished things were different with.  satan's lies and attacks didn't help much either.  but then, out of a friendship i never expected to be much more than singing in choir together, God has formed something special.  we have literally laid around, imagining how our kids will grow up together and there won't be a point when we're no longer in eachother's life.
it's just funny how God works.  you finally give up trying and then God says 'yes, finally, she's letting me be free to do these great things i have planned!', and then they happen!  it gives me hope for these things i'm still anxiously waiting for, like a man to spend my life with and raise a family with.  and that God really does work everything out for our good.  going through all the tough confusing friendships the past three years have really prepared me for where i am now.  not to mention it makes you so much more grateful when you know what the flip side is like.  and as i once heard and now really believe and can see working in my life,  most of our greatest hurts come through relationships, but so does most of our healing.  God's glory and providence is continually being made known in my life.  waiting is so hard and can be riddled with doubt, loneliness, and confusion, but it grows us so much.  knowing what i do know, i wouldn't trade the times of waiting because they have made the gifts so much more meaningful and worthwhile.
He will provide. no doubt.

hope is a funny thing.

hope is a funny thing.  it often starts as a wandering thought, and then develops into a what-if, and if you let it, it becomes a dream.  it's like a little flicker that turns into a small flame and then sometimes overnight grows into a burning desire of your heart. sometimes you have to be careful about hope.  because if you let a thought, a hope, a dream dwell in your heart too deep too long it can become an idol.  a path and plan you're dead set on and not willing to give up.  they're extremely exciting and scary and cautious things, these hopes.  especially in our day and age, there's lots of options of how things can go.  we can have our set plan but there's sooo many resources at our hands and opportunities at our feet.  it's scary to hope too, because it looks and feels so nice but it's not a certainty. no matter how perfect something is in theory in your head, you still never know if it'll happen at all and it almost certainly won't happen how you imagine.  being a planner, i'm especially experienced in the area of idolizing plans and imaginations and hopes.  but at the same time as all this fret and fear that can accompany hope, it's something that we're called to do.  we're told three things will last forever, faith, hope, and love.  of course love is the greatest of these.  but that verse in 1 corinthians (13:13) reminds me that this scary weird exciting hope is not something to suppress.   that hope endures.  that we have hope in His promises.  hope is a human thing along with emotions.  and life will be uncertain as long as we live.  but at the heart of it all, our hope is in God.  in His promises of forgiveness and grace and love and providence.  our hope that we will in no way be disappointed by Him.  that through all our hopes and dreams, He guides it all and provides sovereignly. this time in my life is full of hopes and dreams, from things like homecoming court to grades to graduate school to friendships and relationship. i pray that at the root of all these hopes swirling in my heart would be the hope of Him, the faith that no matter what happens i am in His hand and it will be alright.  whether that means no homecoming court or homecoming queen.  He provides and understands that hope is a funny thing that can do funny things in your heart because He is the source of true hope.

in Christ alone.

in Christ alone my hope is found, He is my light, my strength, my song. this Cornerstone, this solid Ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm. what heights of love, what depths of peace, when fears are stilled, when strivings cease! my Comforter, my All in All, here in the love of Christ i stand.
in Christ alone, who took on flesh, fullness of God in helpless babe. this gift of love and righteousness, scorned by the ones he came to save. til on that cross as Jesus died, the wrath of God was satisfied. for every sin on Him was laid, here in the death of Christ i live.
there in the ground His body lay, light of the world by darkness slain. then bursting forth in glorious day up from the grave he rose again! and as He stands in victory, sin's curse has lost its grip on me. for i am His and He is mine, bought with the precious blood of Christ.
no guilt in life, no fear in death, this is the power of Christ in me. from life's first cry to final breath. Jesus commands my destiny. no power of hell, no scheme of man, can ever pluck me from His hand! til He returns or calls me home, here in the power of Christ i'll stand!

this has become my favorite hymn.  i know the signs to like half of it from signing it freshman year.  this weekend i went on a fall retreat with cru.  saturday night during worship we sang this song, and then we were supposed to transition to a barn dance.  it didn't feel right to sing that song with such passion then just go off and do some linedancing. so we sang it again, and then another song.  it still was sad to leave worship to go dance.  as fun as dancing is, my heart longed to keep singing for hours.  this song is really what i need to hear right now i feel like.  if i tried to highlight everything i love about it, i'd just be typing it again.  the parts i super love at the moment are bolded or italicized or underlined...  and something about shout-singing that line about Him bursting from the grave and standing in victory and that sin's curse no longer grips us, just thinking about it sends shivers down my spine.  this song speaks of the Gospel, the hope of our future, the assurance we have.  in this time of dreams and worries, Jesus commands my destiny and nothing can ever pluck me from His hand.  just as it says in Romans 8:38.  i am His, He is mine.  Song of Solomon 6:3.  in Christ alone my hope and life is found. nothing else. nothing. 

dreams.

dreams.  its the things that drive many people to do what they do.  the dream to graduate high school, college, get the job they think they'll enjoy, to marry a good man that loves them.  i've been doing a lot of day dreaming lately. and night dreaming too. with this being my last year of college here at LR, the future is becoming so much more real.  i can no longer ignore the fact that i won't be here forever. and with that reality comes dreams of what the future will hold.  of many more times enjoying the company of friends that mean so much to me and i don't want to leave. of a mission trip after graduation, sharing Jesus with the world and using my french.  of going to a specific grad school.  of coming back to LR to visit my best friends and listen to them sing.  of marrying a Godly man that pursues me and pushes me to pursue the Lord even more.  of marrying in a cute chapel and dancing that night away in a field of wildflowers. of working as a PA in the ER, showing Love to those who need it most.  of living in the same area i grew up (well after i was 8 anyways).  of living in a yellow house with a wrap-around porch with a grassy backyard bordered with flowers and fruit bushes. of continuing to share life with a best friend the Lord has put in my life, singing and  raising kids alongside her, continually guiding each other to the Lord's feet.  all of these things are what my heart yearn for lately.  it yearns for the time i pray i'll be blessed with for these things to happen and even more. it yearns to grow closer to my Beloved.  dreams are inspiring but scary at the same time.  we don't hold control over what happens, and though it's wonderful to have dreams and aspirations, nothing's guaranteed.  it's scary to put hope in dreams that may never come to fruition.  my heart's in a bind about it all lately, trying to figure out what to do with all these hopes bursting forth.  my soul longs to sing of the Lord's faithfulness and Love and ultimately He will provide the opportunities i can best do this through.  i put my trust in Him and pray i can live each day that i have here and now living Love. not wasting my mind and energy on the questions and hopes of the future, but rather spending all i am in this moment.  live abandoned to the One who will provide the longings of my heart and more.  in Him is overwhelming victory over evil and death. that's not a dream, that's a reality.

seven years.

seven years is a long time.  in that time span i've graduated high school and am well on my way to graduating college.  so much changes in seven years time.  the friends i see and talk to every day.  where i sleep.  what i look like to a certain extent.  my goals and plans for life.  but one thing has not changed in seven years.  and that is that through all that time i haven't had another seizure. though this disappearance in my life can be explained away by medications and hormone changes, i still see it as a miracle.  very easily i could've been relinquished to medication all my life and that they would've kept going after my hormones cooled their jets.  but God has blessed me (undeservedly) by allowing my brain to quit doing those funny things.  and the fact that they started in the first place was one of the big factors of life that pushed me towards the Gospel and to start thinking about what i really believed.  such a radical thing in a middle-schooler's life shook the foundations i thought were sturdy.  but through it all i've found the foundation that cannot be shaken.  and though hardship happens, i am thankful for it because it pushes me closer to the One who calms the storms with just a word.  so seven years.  a long time, but not really in the scheme of my life and eternity.  but i'm thankful nonetheless.  glory be to Him.

thankful.

here is just a short list of things i am immensly thankful for from the past week:
-talking about Jesus with amazing choir girl friends
-a job on campus - lab assisting in a&p!
-scheduling of duty nights worked out
-weekly meal times with people figured out
-all the cru stuff organized
-placed as a soprano in choir - thought it'd be awful, but after one day i like it!
-taking a bunch of classes that i thought i'd hate but don't seem to be so bad afterall, maybe even interesting and exciting!
-being back to the wonderful community of the LR campus and ministry thereof
-7 years seizure-free!
-a cute colorful room to myself
-residents i don't forsee having issues with
-a quiet first night of duty in price
-a haircut badly needed
-rain so hard and fast that my windows leaked
-the security guys that i see driving the loop out my window every night
-the Lord's providence and plan in every freakin thing!!!