Wednesday, October 1

life

life right now is good, its bad. it's unsure.

Last weekend I went on Fall Retreat was great fun, but it made me think a lot. I realized I don't really know where I am. Its just sorta overwhelming. I have all these things to do. Homework, college stuff, stuff i want to do during my free time. I want to grow and get better at everything. I'm really realizing that i'm going to have to make some priorities. Unfortunately, school sorta has to go at the top (or near it). Free time, and piano and stuff is getting jipped with all the school crap lately. It's not really like its that bad or anything, its just a bunch of stuff i need to do, things i want to think about, things whirling around in my head, things i just want to do for fun. Hopefully, hopefully soon things will calm down more once I get my spiritual brain right again, i fix my sleep defecit from Fall Retreat, and i get the main school jobs done with. As my mom always says, when you've got a bunch to do, and your stressed, if it helps, make a list so you don't forget anything, then just take things one at a time, going down the list, focusing on finishing that one task then moving on to the next, not stressing about the big picture, and soon enough, you'll be back in order. I really want to just understand God fully, and do everything for Him, and have the time to just chill with Him, just laugh with Him. As Myranda said, I'm not missing a part of me, I'm missing the whole I'm a part of.
Also, I've been thinking about how close my sister and I have gotten since she went off to college. When we were both home, we loved eachother and all and did stuff together everyonce and a while, but i felt like we didn't truely have a deep relationship. Now I feel like we've both changed and we genuinely miss eachother and just want to be with eachother, just to talk about our lives, and really be sisters. I love how this relationship has changed. I'm excited too because if I go to Lenoir-Rhyne, i'll be just an hour from her :)
I've really changed a lot this last year/summer. I def think its for the better. I've grown a lot more comfortable with myself, and God and everyone around me. I don't care as much what others think of me, I know I can get through practically anything even if I feel like I'm in Hell at the time. I'm more understanding of others and feel like I can really just rely on God to help get me through. God has a plan for me, and I'm living it. I can't change the past, so I just have to learn and move on. I can stop overanalyzing everything and really just be me and not really care if no one appears to like me, because they might and just not show it, and I'll always have people that love and care about me, no matter what. I've become more outgoing and comfortable in my skin. I can go up to some random freshman and ask him if he has a luggage tag yet, and be crazy and excited about it and not care if he thinks I'm weird. I'm really starting to love myself deeply, and love God for who he's making me.
Also... my small group officially rocks. Deeter is so cool. If we go off on a tangent that has some meaning (not just about Homecoming or something), but about life and how we relate to God and others and stuff like that, she's willing to just scrap her plan to let us talk. Some of the best small groups ever are the ones where we dont follow her plan. We can really talk to eachother about pretty much anything and know that they'll love and accept us no matter what. They're a bunch of amazing, godly girls, many of whom I wouldn't normally pick to hang out with, but was stuck with them and can now see that it's not all about the looks or who they hang out with. They've taught me alot about not judging and really caring about others. I look forward to Wednesdays just for small group. They make my week so much better, no matter how bad the start of it was. They bring me new hope and remind my of God's love, often when I need it most.
Ok, I think thats my randomness for the night. I'm really liking the fall crispness in the air. It makes me so happy, even if it does make my joints hurt. But...

"After you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation." - 1 peter 5:10

1 comment:

Elena said...

You are the greatest. And I love our after small group conversations.