a desk can say alot

so that's my desk. i was looking at it, and realized how much the stuff on and around my desk says about me and my current state. right now it's a bit messy, but i know where everything is. you've got your typical desk stuff like the organizer with pens and such, the sharpie cup, the paintbrushes, noteblock, tape, stapler, lamp. then you've got all this random stuff. the bowl by the lamp filled with lots of random things, ranging from poptarts to paint to whoppers to flower seeds to lipbalm. and you've got that random orange on the corner and that random apple hiding behind my laptop that i brought back from the caf and has been sitting there for two weeks... then you've got my pile of books: my current reading book, a readers digest magazine, a bank statement, my devotional book, and my bible. and over on the other side you've got my pile of papers: physics equations, random notes, handouts from cru, and a dodecahedron calendar i made while bored. then you've got all the other random stuff: camera case, calculator, pens, string flowers, small group candle, framed photos, my phone and my keys.. and then all around on the walls you can see arty photographs, two pieces of art, schedules, and lots of random verses and song lyrics and such that inspire me and keep me on track. and you can see the corner of my alarm clock and my bright fake daisy. and that's just the top of my desk. i bet this would make a great psychology experiment, basing a person's personality and current state on their desk. like i said before, right now it's organized chaos. i have the random odds and ends, but also the focuses of family/friends, artsyness, school work, social stuff, and my faith. what does your desk say about you?

let it go

ive been holding on so tight. look at these knuckles they've gone white. i'm fighting for who i wanna be. i'm just trying to find security. but You say let it go. You say let it go. You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control. You say you will be everything i need. You said if i lose my life its then i'll find my soul. You say let it go. well its hard enough to hear. harder still to move beyond this fear. we know theres nothing i can bring, so tell me what do you want from me? but You say let it go. You say let it go. You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control. You say you will be everything i need. You said if i lose my life its then i'll find my soul. You say let it go. You say let it go. what do i love? what do i hate? what will i lose? will i gain? how do i save my soul? what if i bend? what if i bread? what will it cost? what will it take? for You to save my soul. You say let it go. You say let it go. You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control. You say you will be everything i need. You said if i lose my life its then i'll find my soul. You say let it go. You say let it go. You say life is waiting for the ones who lose control. You say you will be everything i need. You said if i lose my life its then i'll find my soul. You say let it go. You say let it go.

-let it go by tenth avenue north

eternal life.

so i was watching tv. and it was on the history channel and called 'that's impossible' and it was about eternal life and how it could become possible with scientific advances and such in the coming years. at first, i was intrigued because i enjoy science. all the science they talked about sounded like it could really happen sometime soon. however. the more i thought about it though, the more i thought that i wouldn't really want eternal life in this world. don't get me wrong, i don't want to die now or anything. i want to live my life to the fullest. but i'm gonna have eternal life in heaven with Jesus. i don't know about you, but i'd much rather have eternal life in heaven, where everything is perfect and wonderful and i am finally completely one with God, than have eternal life in this world where no matter how hard i try or what i do, i will never be completely, fully at peace and one with Him. when i was watching/listening to the people talk about how they could live for a thousand years, or even eternity, thanks to science, i almost felt sorry for them, wanting to talk to them. the answer isn't a longer life here, it's a life here that's worth the while, however long that happens to be. seeking after Him and His kingdom should be our primary goal, not sticking around on this broken world forever. thats what i think anyways...

Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs and He will give you all you need from day to day if youlive for Him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. -Matthew 6:32-33

so.

so. today was super lazy. only had one class and there was nothing to do at work and got to leave early. so alot of my day was spent just chillin in my room. it's so weird how sometimes i love not having anything to do and wasting the day away chillin in my room, and other times i just want to get out of it and do something, anything. anyways. so i went to pilates and had dinner with debord. it was nice as usual. :) it started to sorta sprinkle/mist/sleet/snow... it couldn't make up it's mind. i was folding my laundry and i find out that theres no school tomorrow. canceled because of the threat of freezing rain/ice. it's rather ironic how they didnt cancel when we had to trek through snow and ice to class, but did for the threat of ice. anyways. so then i started to half panic. in hickory anyways, it was supposed to get worse and worse. and i planned to go home and go to winterjam with caroline. so it was leave now or leave tomorrow and risk it being too icy to go. so i went. i got home at like 1130. it's nice to be home, even with all the stress and adrenaline of quickly packing and driving in precipitation that can't make up its mind. being home is weird. it's nice to be home and be back in my place and see my parents and puppy and friends. but part of me is expecting to go upstairs to my room and climb into my loft bed. i guess because im always complaining about people going home all the time, like every weekend, i feel like i'm ditching people and being a hypocrit when i go home not on break. and i feel like i'm missing out on things. i guess i feel like the same exact fun things will happen again, but they won't. even if the same people were at school and we did the same activities, it'd be different. and i'm used to my dorm room and people always being around and having to figure out who i'm going to eat with and when and all that jazz. and also when i'm at school i have my schedule down pat. i do the same thing everynight before bed and go to bed about the same time. i get up and do the same things. but when i'm home, i stay up alot later than i would at school and in general don't have a schedule like at all except whatever social outings i've planned. it's sort of liberating to not be on the routine, but sorta discombobulating. it always feels like when i've just gotten used to being home and being nonroutine, i go back to school and have to get back into the routine. so going home is weird. it's doing that thing here in the boro where there's moisture coming from the clouds, but it can't decide what it wants to do. whether it wants to be snow or ice or sleet or rain or what. winterjam is saturday night so i don't really care what it does as long as i can still go to winterjam with caroline. but if things don't work according to plan, i guess that means that God had something greater and different in store. so yea. i'm praying that it doesnt get too bad to cancel winterjam or make it so i cant get back to school on sunday, but trying to be at peace with whatever happens. well it's late and i'm tired and i've got a full day of being lazy in store for me when i wake up. ;)

how ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you

I am with you and for you. You face nothing alone - nothing! When you feel anxious, know that you are focusing on the visible world and leaving Me out of the picture. The remedy is simple: Fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. Verbalize your trust in Me, the Living One who sees you always. I will get you safely through this day and all your days. But you can find Me only in the present. Each day is a precious gift from My Father. How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today's is set before you! Receive today's gift gratefully, unwrapping it tenderly and delving into its depths. As you savor this gift, you find Me.

from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young

oh this body.

I just realized that I have not given an update on my wonderful physical status lately... PRAISE GOD! I have not had any seizures or anything since going off my meds. When I get really stressed/sleep deprived, I sometimes have weird feelings and such, but nothing major or often enough to really worry about. I think my throat is taking after my dad. It's being weirdly sensitive lately and doing this weird thing where I take a drink or bite or something and it sorta feels like it goes down wrong and it feels like I can't really breath for a minute and then the feeling passes. It's sorta annoying and weird and seems to happen alot in a time period than not much... maybe another stress thing. Sometimes it's sorta scary when I feel like I can't breathe but when I calm down it works out. As for my oh so wonderful joints, they are a come and go thing. Since it is winter and cold, they have been quite a bit more evil than they were this summer. I'm trying to not let it restrict me and my exercise and whatever I want to do though. It's pretty much still my knees mainly with some hips, ankles, and shoulders mixed in. I guess I've sort of grown accustomed to the weird not quite pain but discomfort feeling in my knees that happens. I wish I could make it stop completely. I'm pretty sure that it wasn't the seizure meds doing it cause although that could take a while to go down, I feel like it'd steadily go down and not just do the same ol same ol. So yea. I guess I just have a high pain tolerance or it's not been that bad lately. When it's something that I can't really fix except with good ol relafen, you learn to deal with it and not complain and not show others if I'm in pain. I don't want to burden others with my pain that they couldn't help fix anyways. Though every once in a while (usually after I do something to make them especially mad) I catch myself half limping, like not bending my knee as much or moving my hip as much cause it decreases the pain. I guess due to my pride and not wanting to impose on others, I usually make myself stop whenever I notice. It's not really that bad though. It's still definitely tolerable. I'm just still worried that I'll get old and become a cripple or something. But ya know, I can't really do anything about that except pray that God will heal me and help me. So yea. And although I definitely still love me some sleep, I've been less tired lately (or maybe I'm just not making myself notice it or whatever). Having 8am classes every weekday limits my late night activities, but I'm ok with that. :) I have the reputation of going to bed earlier than the normal college student on class nights. And I'm ok with that. :) So yea. I've been doing good. I still pray that God would heal me of all this crap, but for now I'm joyful in the no seizure activity. :)

oxymoron

i am an oxymoron. you are too. i'm guessing anyways... since i'm not inside of you. anyways. i am an oxymoron. sometimes i'm proud and selfish and can't think of anyone but me. sometimes i'm selfless and humble, unfortunatly sometimes to the extent of hurting myself. don't worry. i'm not suicidal or anything close. i just have a bad habit for making myself suffer more than i should over little things. but that's almost me being proud and self-righteous, 'i dont need that pillow even though i have screwed up joints, you healthy-jointed person take it...' that might be another post all together... anyways. i am an oxymoron. i am good and i am bad. i have the human, worldly, sinful side. but i also have that godly, holy, good side. and they both exist in this body of mine. and lately i've been thinking a bit about this. trying to find a balance. of this world and God. i have to exist in this world because this is where i am, so i need to function and work to some extent in accordance to its rules and such. but i have God in me and coming through me. i have the desire and the command to live for God and keep my focus on Him. so. how to find balance between existing and functioning in this world but keeping my focus and efforts elsewhere? i don't really know the full answer. and i'm not sure that there is one thats concise and straight. except. to just try my hardest and continually pray and seek after God. when i leave this world, i will no longer have to struggle with this balancing, oxymoronic game. but i'm in this world. so i will try to continually keep my eyes on Him. and do what i can, but pray that He will give me the strength and abilities to do everything else. if He commands something, i must be able to do it, it just may take His help and my time and effort and getting to heaven to accomplish it fully. it's a weird thing to think about. knowing that while i am in this sinful body and world, i will never fully keep my focus on Him every moment. but also knowing that He will give me the strength and abillities. so. i'm just gonna pray and try my hardest and remember to notice Him in everything.