oh man.

life is so complicated. and lately i've just sorta been feeling like i'm just being pulled along. sorta caring, but just going along with it. to tell you what happened this past week, i'd have to really sit down and think and maybe look through my journal. i don't like that. and i feel like i'm one of those whirling teacup rides. spinning and spinning. never stopping. and moments of dizziness mixed with moments of sheer clarity. it's rather annoying and frustrating actually. it seems like multiple times each day, i go through cycles of thought. of being so consumed and overwhelmed with myself and this world. feeling worthless and unloved. not knowing if i like where things are going. fearing the unknown. trying desparately to be in control. and then, the next hour, of being so overwhelmed by God. knowing and recognizing that there will be trials and crap in this world, but He has a plan in it all. that it's not about me and what I want or feel like. that it's not about what other people are doing or think or how we relate. that it's all completely about Him.

some days are more of the second, some more of the first. either way, my thoughts and mind keep changing so much i'm getting dizzy. i want consistancy to some extent.

then the idea is raised as to whether this is merly a spiritual battle for my mind and soul, or if theres something wrong with me. like a psychological thing like bipolar or something. and my thoughts on that change too.

so i don't know whats going on, but i do know that it's getting annoying.

but what i do know for certain (even if i have my doubts and questions) is that God has a beautiful, perfect plan in all of this, but so often that plan is concealed from us or takes hard work on our part. and that satan is trying his hardest to keep our eyes off of God and the good things He has for us. that he uses the same tricks over and over.

i'm not really sure what to do right now. as the song in church this morning said, 'strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord'. so i guess right now, the best and maybe the only thing i can do is try my hardest to keep my eyes on Him, trust in Him, and pray that He will give me the patience and what i need to wait upon Him. we're so helpless, we have to ask for help to wait for help. we have to ask Him to help us love Him like we should. as tenth avenue north sings, 'i need Your strength to feel this weak. i need Your touch to fill my need. i need Your strong hands to carry me. take me, break me, set me free.' i know God will not disappoint, but i must wait and lean on Him. it's hard, not gonna lie.