Thursday, April 8

oh so lovely. not.

waking up and just feeling awful about yourself and your place in the world. i went to bed happy and content. woke up crabby and blech. probably had quite a bit to do with a dream i had last night.... we were going somewhere (that eludes me thanks to it being a dream), anyways. all of my friends were going with. everyone i know and love from school and some people from high school too. anyways, we were driving along and ended up stopping to get something to eat. we end up at this semi-fancy/nice restaurant place. again, since it was a dream, i don't remember the specifics. but there were a bunch of tables and chairs. so everyone sat down whereever. i couldn't decide where to sit because a) i'm indecisive like that and b) i couldn't decide who to sit with, since i loved everyone. well, turns out no one thought about me at all. everyone sat somewhere. and all the tables and chairs got filled up. apparently, there were enough chairs for everyone in our group, minus one. so no one saved me a seat. no one seemed to care that i didnt get a seat or dinner. no one even noticed me. at all. so i went outside and sat outside crying, listening and seeing everyone inside laughing and enjoying themselves, not even noticing i was missing. when everyone was done, and they came outside, their eyes grazed over me, but didnt say anything or notice that i'd been crying for two hours while they were all eating. then i woke up. so yea. it's hard to wake up happy and excited for life when all you can feel is that no one loves you, cares about you, or would make the time in their life to talk to you and spend time with you. it makes me just wanna lay in bed all day. they won't notice me not there anyways. im not really important, like they tell me. they're only saying that to be nice. i just get in the way, and it'd be easier if they didn't have to think about inviting me to things. i know this thinking is all wrong. it's false. but it doesnt feel like it. and it's really hard to tell your heart something thats in your brain, usually it goes from your heart to your brain, not the other way. so yea. off i go to classes, feeling like crap and not expecting anyone to care.


Elsy B. said...

I love you and you should go to a counseling center... that is all

Pack Mule Mama said...

We all have those days/dreams/doubts at some points. You know it's not true (let me be the first to verify that). Sometimes we feel that way nonetheless... Even as an adult, I can have that - where I feel like I'm just the workhorse and no one cares or notices - and I could just as easily disappear. But then I think about it, and get some love from folks, and I realize it's not true. I guess we all need a little reassurance now and then about things... P.S. I would notice if you were missing. ;)