surrender.

so. i haven't blogged much lately. and it's been on purpose. not that i don't have things to say or things that are going on. but, back when i blogged alot (like before project), i often used this little square of interweb to vomit. to tell what i was feeling, what was happening, because sometimes i just needed to get it out and no one was available to talk or would understand or i just didn't want to have the human connection and responsibility attatched to it all. and that just wasn't healthy. i needed to get those things out, but somewhere on the internet where anyone can read them wasn't the right place to put them. instead, i need to (and have been lately) take them to God first, writing things out in a journal that won't end up confusing/complicating real life and people, and then if it's a major issue, talking to someone about it. but one on one and in real time face to face, not hiding behind font. i'm not really sure what to do about this blog then, because a journal is sort of what it turned into. i think i am going to still post every now and then, but probably about what God is teaching me or something random and amazing. no more pity party.

like i said, God's been teaching me a whole stinkin lot lately. i feel like everytime i turn around i realize something else about Him, and it's like the never ending rabbit hole. once you think you've got one thing figured out, a million more things pop up. but i think that's just how this life is. He's shown me idols in my life, and i've seen Him slowly change me and move my heart away from those things. it's really been amazing. i feel like i'm finally building a good community here at school, and knowing that i have a community of great people at home and summer projecters all over helps too. and i'm not so desparate for everything to be perfect. i've become a lot better at just going with the flow and being open to new things and broadening my horizons. i think a lot of this growth has to do with surrender. my daily surrender to God. surrender sounds like such a harsh word, something you don't want to do, an admittance of weakness. but gosh, it's so freeing. compared to God, i am weak. i don't have things figured out. i'm not going to. crazy unexpected things are gonna happen. i won't be prepared. but. God's got it all covered. and instead of finding shame in the fact that i'm never going to measure up to Him, i can find freedom. i can just give it all up to Him. i can wake up, and before i even get out of bed, release everything to His power. commit my day to His purposes and glory and know that in the end, He'll make everything work out. i might not see it today, or even tomorrow, or this month. but it'll get figured out eventually. and when you think and remember the eternal, things down here don't seem so life-consuming.

finding my life in Him and surrendering myself. it's a sure way to find joy and purpose in an all-too-often crazy mixed up world.