Sunday, July 26


so. tonight i took my last dose of carbatrol. hopefully for the rest of my life. i'm almost certain it is. because even if something happens, i wont be put back on carbatrol... i feel great still. a bit tired sometimes and every once in a while have little phases of weirdness, but i had those even when I was still on full carbatrol. the tiredness is probably brought on by the fact that i've been staying up til at least 1 am almost every night. the thing is, i just dont feel tired at night as much, more often than not, the reason i go to bed is because my mind tells me to, not my body. physically, i feel great, and its amazing. its sorta scary to think that my meds were changing me more than i thought they were. and it sorta seems like my ideas of myself are changing - the fact that i require exorbidant amounts of sleep and such. its sorta scary that i might not actually be who i thought i was.
today was the last official day of core, my youth group, for the summer, and for me as a high school student. its much like the end of school was. i will definitely miss people and things, but most of all i'll miss the experiences i had. but i recognize that although i'll miss people and may not see or talk to some of them ever again, even if i were to see them again, it wont be the same. we'll be at different points in our lives. it just wont be the same. so i can only put so much energy into being sad about leaving/moving on because i know that its inevitable and theres nothing that can change the fact that things change. as my friend told me today, i love change, the challenge of new and exciting things, but i hate to actually change. change goes against our human desire for
constant and stability and things that we know solidly. so. life goes on whether we like it or not. we go different places and talk to different places and do different things, but experiences from the past will always be there. and i'd rather remember those good times than morn the loss of control. after all, control is all an illusion anyway, the only one with true control is God. so. i'll lean on Him and know that He has my best in mind and go with the flow - the good and the bad.
this is not the end. its not the beginnning. its yet another sunrise of new opportunities. remarking at the day
to come, while looking back at yesterday, remembering the world continues to turn and change is constant.

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