i went and saw the proposal last night with taylor and katie. it was good. the people i usually eat with and hang with sometimes, taylor, lauren and jonathan. lauren and jonathan are dating and all lovey-dovey. taylor has a boyfriend in the military. that plus the movie plus just whatever makes me want to be in love. to have a boyfriend, someone that cares, someone i can talk to whenever. not that i'm not loved by my friends and family. i definitely am and feel it all the time. i just feel like i'm missing out on something. and its not like theres guys hitting on me left and right and i'm just too picky or something (which i am very picky). i have a few guy friends, but theyve never been more than friends. its just weird.
and then. i've got like two groups of friends. i've got taylor and lauren and jonathan. and i've got ellen and katie and other cru people. it's weird. cause i feel like accepted in both of them, but i don't really feel at home. i don't know. its just weird. awkward. i want to have friends and be able to talk about anything with them. but i don't want to be too picky and not have friends. i guess i just dont want to get changed. if that makes sense. like i don't swear or drink or anything. and i try to not be rude and everything. alot of people don't believe the same things. i guess i'm just strict on myself or something. so i want friends. but as they said on senior weekend, i want to influence others, not be influenced badly myself. if that makes any sense at all.
oh. and i've been thinking about cru stuff. especially summer project. i really wanna go on one and feel called to. but i don't know which/when/where. part of me wants to go to senegal but then they say you should do one in america your first year. part of me wants to go to florida, but its for the whole summer... part of me wants to go to nyc cause its shorter and i feel like thats where society says i should go. so i dont know. i'm prob going on the winter conference for a week of winter vacation. and on the spring break trip. so i feel like i'm already neglecting time with my family and being home on breaks. i dont know. i'm hoping it all works itself out...
so yea. i just feel awkward and weird. i dont know what to do or whatever.
and it doesnt help that i feel physically weird in addition to mentally weird. its just so hard to tell what is something and what is nothing out of the usual. so yea. blah.