Monday, February 1


i am an oxymoron. you are too. i'm guessing anyways... since i'm not inside of you. anyways. i am an oxymoron. sometimes i'm proud and selfish and can't think of anyone but me. sometimes i'm selfless and humble, unfortunatly sometimes to the extent of hurting myself. don't worry. i'm not suicidal or anything close. i just have a bad habit for making myself suffer more than i should over little things. but that's almost me being proud and self-righteous, 'i dont need that pillow even though i have screwed up joints, you healthy-jointed person take it...' that might be another post all together... anyways. i am an oxymoron. i am good and i am bad. i have the human, worldly, sinful side. but i also have that godly, holy, good side. and they both exist in this body of mine. and lately i've been thinking a bit about this. trying to find a balance. of this world and God. i have to exist in this world because this is where i am, so i need to function and work to some extent in accordance to its rules and such. but i have God in me and coming through me. i have the desire and the command to live for God and keep my focus on Him. so. how to find balance between existing and functioning in this world but keeping my focus and efforts elsewhere? i don't really know the full answer. and i'm not sure that there is one thats concise and straight. except. to just try my hardest and continually pray and seek after God. when i leave this world, i will no longer have to struggle with this balancing, oxymoronic game. but i'm in this world. so i will try to continually keep my eyes on Him. and do what i can, but pray that He will give me the strength and abilities to do everything else. if He commands something, i must be able to do it, it just may take His help and my time and effort and getting to heaven to accomplish it fully. it's a weird thing to think about. knowing that while i am in this sinful body and world, i will never fully keep my focus on Him every moment. but also knowing that He will give me the strength and abillities. so. i'm just gonna pray and try my hardest and remember to notice Him in everything.

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