Wednesday, March 3

patience, you allude me.

as people often say, things must get worse before they get better. in so many ways, this is true. or at least it often seems to happen that way. often you must suffer and have problems before you can get them straightened out and improve. some of the most beautiful, valuable things come from trials and such.
for me anyways, it seems that everything is just in a cycle. things go downhill then you break through and things are amazing for a time, then usually you grow apathetic or something and then eventually things go downhill again. i dont want things to be a cycle. i want to learn and grow and keep going. alas, i am human. i will forget and fail and grow apathetic. its weird too because different areas in your life are all going through this cycle, but are often at different points. like currently, the school/academic area of my life is at a high (though i can feel it edging towards apathetic which is not good...) yet i feel like the social area in my life is on a questionable spot on the low. its weird too cause if i go by my feelings, i could go back and forth twenty times in a day.
i dont enjoy being in a low at all. it is not fun. it can make you feel like crap. make you feel like a failure, unwanted, unloved. even though feelings are overrated, they seem so real and true. often when i'm at a low (like my social one right now), i feel like i'll never make it out.
so. i just have to wait it out. know that things can't stay bad for forever. and that God has a plan and that things will work out in the end. it might take a week, a month, or a year for things to turn around. but really, theres not much i can do about it (especially when it depends on so many other people and everything)... so. i wait. i rest in Him and his plan for me and my life. i must admit though, i am not a patient person. i want to be in control. i want things to work out. like now. i don't want to have to wait and see how things will work out. yet. i have to. theres nothing else i can do. He is testing and building my patience. my trust in Him, that everything will work out, even if not how i plan. i wont lie, it is hard to completely lose control and rest in Him. i have to trust that He will give me the patience and strength to trust in Him. i know that sounds convoluted, but i can't do this alone. but He's already given it to me, it's the question of if i choose to receive and use it.

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