back to confusion and idiopathic land.

i haven't talked about my health lately... it hasn't really changed much. the occasional weird feelings when i'm tired and the faint aches, nothing new. other than my slowly growing appreciation and love for being active, nothing has noticably changed. on the outside anyways. i went to the rheumatologist a couple weeks ago and they had me go get blood drawn for tests like they usually do. nothing weird about that, and i really could care less about someone stabbing me in the arm and taking my blood, i'm just weird that way ;) anyways, yesterday the rheumatologist called with the results. drum roll... my ana is positive and high again! yippee! (not). last time they did blood work like 6 months ago, it was negative. but now its positive and 640, which is pretty high, considering 80 and below is considered 'normal'. and my complements were low. simplified, it means somethings going on that shouldn't (which we already knew...), but it signifies that something autoimmune is going on. (autoimmune pretty much means that my body is attacking itself...) they still don't know what it is... maybe rheumatoid arthritis, maybe lupus, maybe something else... personally i think it's lupus because it fits best in my mind and it ties in my photosensitivity and seizures... but it could take years for them to officially diagnose me with anything. which is annoying because i want to know! my mom brought up something i hadn't thought of... that if they officially diagnose me with lupus, i'll have a harder time finding health insurance when i get old because i'll have a scary sounding pre-existing condition. what joys. so we're back to confusion. and my state of wishing i had concrete answers and being minorly obsessed with thinking about it and looking up stuff online. i'd just like to know. i'm not patient anyways, and i'd like to know whether or not the suspicions i've had all along are correct or not. i know it sounds bad, and i would much rather not have anything wrong with me at all, but i'd rather have diagnosed lupus than continue being a question mark for forever (even though it is fun to say i'm idiopathic.. ;) and i feel like i've been fine these 18 years so far, and whatever i have, it's pretty mild because none of my organs are failing or anything and i can still function like a normal human being. and i know that God has a plan in it all and whatever He's allowed me to have, there's a reason. i know already that my various issues have helped me grow deeper in my faith and rely on Him. with God by my side, i'm not really afraid what will happen. for now though, we just chill and wait. they're gonna do bloodwork again after i get back from project. if it's still positive/high, they'll prob put me on a drug to make (or at least try to) my body stop attacking itself . if it's negative again, we'll figure something out... i'm trying hard to stop thinking about it all for now and just keep rollin with life and do what i've been doing, because theres nothing else i can really do. and trust God in it all. i overanalyze and think about things way too much, so i'm trying desparately to train myself not to. thank goodness i have something to distract me: packing for SMSP! :D i'm super excited and am gonna start packing tomorrow! 4 more full days til i leave! :D