Monday, June 21

internet troubles...

the combination of being super busy lately plus the internet being a stupid butt equals not very much internet time or blogging. saturday went well. usual work. it was rather slow except the hour or so that it was pouring. caleb and i got off the same time and ended up going to wendy's then visiting everyone working on the strip. after dinner was dgroup. ava michelle was gone for a wedding so it was just rachel, virginia and i. we went to sonic and ate and talked and hung out. both during dship on friday and dgroup on saturday some hard questions came up. like why do i really believe what i believe? what proof is there that i've become a new creation in Him? stuff like that that i really need to answer and figure out. but my gut wants me to avoid them. hide. crawl into a hole. not have to look deep inside and work through all my crap. but one of the great things, that i hate at the time the questions or issues are brought up but love deep down, is that rachel won't let me hide. she sits there and looks me in the eyes, expecting an answer. a real one. not just a shrug and a maybe. not a noise that i'm so good at as using for an answer to substitute for a real word answer where i have to put real names to things. i'm realizing i've gotten way to good at avoiding things. as i've probably said before, i either explode or just ignore things and stuff them away. trying to work on that. trying to work on lots of stuff. but trying to not rely on my own strength to do it. but not sit around and wait for God to do stuff. it's all so complicated and rather confusing. i'm learning, and forcing myself to practice, that i don't have to know everything. yes, strive. but i don't need to know how God works or the step by step to do things. and that i need more confidence in general, esp with relationships, and that comes with trust and faith.
anyways, yesterday consisted of church, meeting up with my parents and having pancake pantry (yum!) and then walking around gburg, coming back for a band practice that never happened, going out to bubba's and the grocery with my parents, then prayer and a pancake outreach that lasted until like 1am. all good stuff, but tiring. it was great to hang out with my parents, especially since it was father's day :)
today we went to ober gatlinburg for most of the day. it was fun. i really enjoyed the tram ride to the top, great views. then alpine sledding, water slides, ski lift rides, ice skating, eating, bungee running. again, fun and good but tiring. my body is starting to rebel. then i cooked dinner for roommate dinner (chicken tacos and watermelon), which we all ended up eating on the big king bed then laying around (all of us on the bed at some points) and watching tv and napping til some of us had band practice. i love having people to snuggle with ;) band practice went well, but my nose has become stuffy and my lymph nodes aren't exactly happy. hopefully that'll go away. rachel better not have given me what she has.
right now, i'm doing good. i'm feeling more secure spiritually and socially. physically, i could be better but i'm trying to take care of myself and pray that God gives me the strength and energy and pain tolerance to do His will (or what i think it is). sitting on the balcony, where i can slightly get internet, listening to good tunes to override the screaming people at the pool, and looking out onto gatlinburg and the bright moon in a big dark sky. for cru this week we're singing a song i love the lyrics to. good reminder.

Savior I come, quiet my soul remember. redemption's hill where Your blood was spilled for my ransom. everything I once held dear I count it all as loss.
lead me to the cross where Your love poured out. bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down.
rid me of myself, I belong to You. Oh lead me, lead me to the cross.
You were as I, tempted and tried, human. the Word became flesh, bore my sin and death. now You're risen. everything I once held dear, I count it all as loss.
lead me to the cross where Your love poured out. bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down.
rid me of myself, I belong to You. Oh lead me, lead me to the cross.
lead me to the cross by hillsong united. legit. ;)

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