spiritually, i'm kind of doing better. the devil's really attacking me lately just with crap and negative thinking and attitudes. i get in a rut and can't get out. i hate it. i get wrapped up into myself and become numb and mentally/spiritually self-destructive. i can't help but think of how i'm not worth anything and that i've screwed up too much to be saved or cared for. that God really doesn't want to talk to me. i get wrapped up in all my sin and crap and forget about God's forgiveness and my salvation. it doesn't even feel real. i doubt everything. i question everything. it's just bad. there's more to it too, lots more things go through my head, and it all feels so real and definite when it's all just emotions and false. the only way i know how to get out of it is to pray and just try to believe and have faith, but it's super hard when it feels like everything is fake and stupid and i'm numb. i absolutely hate, no loathe, it. i guess like my medical crap and thinking about my loved one's salvation, it hurts so much that i can't begin to think of it. if i start to go down that path, it's a steep uphill climb back to sanity and peace. i hate that too. because i can't ignore it, because it's there. but when i let it fully hit me and think about it, i can't get off it. i can't get off the fact that i'll never be normal, i'll never be considered healthy, i don't know whether i'll see my immediate family in heaven or if i'll be separated from them for eternity. its just all so much. theres only really two options. think about it and be consumed by it. let it fully hit me how broken and awful of a person i really am. or not think about it and let God take care of it. most of the time i'm pretty good at doing the latter, but sometimes it all catches up to me. i hate that i doubt. i hate that i worry. but i don't know how to stop. i feel like only God can help me. it feels good and nice to talk to people, but they can't solve anything anymore than i can. only God can solve all of this. it's just hard sometimes to have faith and walk in it moment by moment and not get discouraged. so right now i'm just in a weird place spiritually. i don't really know how to describe it and feel like no one (except God of course) really knows what i'm going through. who else in the world has the same medical confusion/complications, a family of nonbelievers, and all this other stuff. no one. i feel like, mentally, i know all the right stuff. i know all the right answers to all the questions. i can retain the information well. but sometimes (most of the time lately) i feel like i'm just playing along. i'm not really doing it all right, i'm not really living it out like i should, maybe i'm not even a real Christian. i don't know where my heart is. i don't know how to know. and half the time i feel full of praise and content, half the time i feel like i'm doing it all wrong and am awful, and the other half of the time i'm just so numb that i can't figure out how i feel. it's not based on feelings, but i don't know what else to go on to know where i am. i don't know how to tell where my heart is. they say that if you're really walking in the Spirit, you'll see the fruits of the Spirit, but how do i know if i really am, or if i'm just playing along, doing it through human effort? i feel like i'm lost but know where home is, but don't know how to get there. what method to take. and everytime i ask other people to help or clarify, it doesn't really help much. i know they're trying, but so much of this life is a personal relationship that won't be like anyone elses. sometimes i feel like i'm in a whirlpool, twisted and turned around. so yea. i dont really know what to do. well, head-wise, i do. i should have faith, trust, believe. but i feel like i don't know how to do that or know if i'm really doing it or just faking it and playing along. part of the time i feel like crying, others i feel like just giving up on all of this, others i want to be with people all the time, others i want to be apart and away. i feel like God and i need to work things out. but that goes back to the question of am i doing it right? how do i know God's really talking back, and what He's saying. i just want answers, but i can't seem to find them and am starting to believe i might never find them. why can't Jesus come back tonight? ugh. i'm trying, i really am, but i'm not sure how much longer i can.
Friday, June 11
some rest mixed with internal turmoil.
today was a good day. i didn't have work so i dedicated it as a day to rest. i was planning on doing my laundry, but that never happened. i got to sleep in. then chilled outside for a while still in my comfies. then went to the community center and swam laps. someone asked me once if i swam for fitness. that made me think, because i can't say that's at all my primary purpose. i just love the water and the feeling of being under it and twisting and tumbling and flowing. also, i'm realizing how much swimming is a spiritual thing for me. like driving, you can't really focus on too much other than the task at hand. this occupies my mind enough to not wander, but not so much that it overrides everything. the repetitive, constant, timed act of breathing and stroke is like my form of meditation. resting in the Lord. soaking Him in. songs come to mind. verses come to mind. struggles come to mind. usually it's a restful thing, but it can be the opposite too. when i'm angry or struggling and can't calm down, i can swim fast and hard. i can cry and no one would even know. i can take it out on the water. and now that i've got the techniques of it down, i don't have to think about it and i've gotten to the point where my breathing pace while swimming is about the same it is out of the water. its still calm. a bit fast b/c my heart is beating faster from moving, but not drastically. i just love it. i can feel God in a swimming pool while doing laps. if anything, the thing that makes me stop is not because i'm tired of swimming, but my body being physically tired. i think that if i could have a magic power or something, i wouldn't mind at all not getting tired. i could swim all day and be content. i've been asked if i've ever thought of being on a team. i've contemplated it, but i really hate the idea. it would ruin it. the competitive nature would take over the restful wonderfulness. also, i can't really swim with people. it makes things off. i love swimming with other people and invite people to swim with me every once in a while, but for the most part, it is my 'me' activity. anyways, after swimming i ran a couple errands to get gas, milk, and make a bank deposit. then back to eat lunch and nap. then walked down the strip with some girls and visited people at work. met with two guys and chilled in the village a bit. then swimming at the condo with bits of dinnerish. then we all went to go see the fireflies that didn't really happen. apparently theres some phenomenon of fireflies lighting up together in Gatlinburg, but we didn't see much more activity than normal. oh well, it was still cool. back now and bed should be soon because i have work tomorrow.