even in this second week, a couple of my classes are getting more intense. thats the way it works when you take anatomy and organic chemistry. not huge leaps yet, but i'm waiting for it. so my life seems to be gearing up and getting busier. its oh so tempting to freak out. to see 4 classes on my schedule, plus studying and hw that needs to be done, not to mention eating, and freak. to just see busyness and convince myself i have no time to live, no time to stop and think. that has happened to me a couple times this week, with what seems like straight activity all day. and then i realize i have 2 hours to chill. my mind seems to scrap over any amount of time thats less than an hour and assume it doesnt exist. which is not true. it's there to be lived. a 45 minute blob of time could be flown away watching tv or surfing the internet, if that is your aim. or it could be cherished. having lunch or dinner with a great friend. being in the company of others. being productive and getting work done so you don't have to think about it at night when you have a good 2 or 3 hour block usually. in the midst of all the so called busyness, i've had a dinner or two with friends that seems like we were there for hours. talking about important issues but also just sharing eachothers life and presence. a 45 minute dinner can seem like the best 3 hours of your day. take for example too the time in the morning before class. now, i have 820 classes every weekday. i don't particularly enjoy getting up early. i've never been a big morning person. but esp over project, and now too, i'm learning to embrace them. all my time in gatlinburg i had to get up at 715ish, same as here at school. i learned to take advantage of that time. it only really takes like 10, 15 min to actually get ready for me. then i have like half an hour to eat/do whatever. last year, i would spend that time surfing the interwebs. well because i wanted to/it was suggested that i do/internet wasn't a consistent thing in gburg, i got in the habit of reading the Bible or doing something of that sort in that time instead. i usually do my quiet time at night, but doing that extra study/reading in the morning, even just for 30 minutes, is an awesome way to start the day and i feel so much closer to God. good stuff.
the adjustments back to school are different yet so much the same. i've been here before. i know how it works. but everyone has grown and changed during the summer. i feel like this summer was a huge leap in my relationship with God. centering my life further around Him, remembering Him in my daily life, trying to live for His purposes not mine, knowing who i am in Him instead of who i might be to this world. in some relationships, its took a nose dive. in others, its blossomed. as i think i wrote before, just all the possibilities life and this school hold are exciting. all the people i can get to know better, get deeper with. all the things i can do. so much potential. when are we ever in this state again in our lives?
obviously, i have a lot to say tonight... but i'm not done yet ;)
so physically, i'm just getting more and more confusing. new things are happening that aren't great, but its unknown right now. mainly just minor inconveniences at the moment. earlier this week, i just got wrapped up in all the possibilities and the negative side of it all. all i could think about was just how screwed up i am, how i dont know whats wrong, and might never know. yes God is good and all that jazz, but it just didn't seem to matter. i just felt awkward and kinda awful. but thanks to lunch with a good friend, i realized how good off i am. yes, crap is wrong, and yes i might never find out what exactly it is. but. how blessed i am! what great friends i have that when i make it clear that somethings wrong i need to talk, they'll make time. they'll put things in perspective. they'll just be there, even though they can't help figure it out any more than i can, no matter how much we want. that God is there, and knows everything. my future is in His hands. that He rescues us from death. that when i am weak, i am strong in Him. with Him as the center of my life, no circumstances can take my joy away. all of this and knowing further who i am in Him, who He sees me as, has helped me to find even further freedom in this life. i dont have to play a part. He has created me this way for a reason. i am called to be myself, letting His Glory shine through His beautiful creation. all i really have to do is be with Him. keep Him the center, check that i am doing things for Him not for me or this world. such a comfort and release. i can be weak, because He is my strength. and as my life gets filled with more things to do, more responsibilities, more obstacles... instead of feeling more and more repressed and discontent, i find myself feeling more and more free and full of joy. it's obviously not coming from this world, cause it's crumbling. but i know Who it's coming from, and i'm gonna keep following Him. the guy who spoke at cru this week (so glad its started back up for the year!) said that this is our home, and that it's not the people who are responsible for the great things, its God who is working through them. that the people most unaware of their impact in your life are the ones with the biggest. that not one of us is any better in God's eyes, no matter how holy we seem on this campus. its not us. its Him.
i encourage whoever is reading this (if anyone) to turn from focusing on the things that we have to do, the people we try to please, the crap we have to deal with, and turn to Him. just find your joy and identity in Him, and find further freedom. even as things get more cramped.
alright, i think thats all that i wanted to say/ramble about... ;)
oh... though, two good songs have been stuck in my head since sunday when we sung them in church. divine romance by phil wickham and beautiful scandalous night by robbie seay band. legit. check them out ;)