Thursday, October 6

a weird dream.

i had a weird dream last night.  for the few weeks/months or so, i've been struggling with the fact that i'm 20, a junior in college, and have yet to go on a single date with a guy. never been asked to go on a date or had any guy show to me that the male population is at least somewhat intrigued by my presence and existance.  and when you're in college, surrounded by lovely girls who have boyfriends and fiances, who talk and maybe even complain about their significant other quite a bit because that's a huge part of their life, it gets hard to forget and brush past the fact that you've never been there.  that quite frankly, i often don't trust or believe that i will ever be there and that i'll just be single and alone without a family the rest of my life.  and when i really think about i'm good with being single.  because when i analyze my motives for wanting that guy in my life, i come down to wanting to feel loved and accepted and worthy and wanting to fit into the world view of how things must go.  and i realize that even if i had a guy and was searching for that fulfillment in him, it wouldn't be any good and things wouldn't go well.  because he isn't meant to fill that role, only God is.  that if i really, truly learn and become dependent on God alone for my love and worth and acceptance, not on other people, then i'll be fine no matter what happens.  i fully recognize that, especially as a woman, i have those needs and they need to be fulfilled for me to feel whole, that's how we were made.  but i don't want a guy until i know wholeheartedly that God fulfills me, and though that guy would hopefully become my husband and we would spend the rest of our lives together and he would end up knowing me better than probably anyone else on this earth, it will never be enough to satisfy my soul when it yearns to be filled by the One who created it.
anyways, the dream... ;)
i dreamt that i was getting married.   it was the evening/morning of the wedding (but a very long morning, as dreams have distorted time).  it was raining.  we couldn't find a hotel.  i was in my wedding dress already but was running around town in it.  it was ugly.  i love the color yellow, but i recognize it just doesn't look great on white, blonde girls such as me.  but my wedding dress was like yellow and white with this weird pattern along the top. and it was white cottony fabric and after the weird decorative yellow stuff, it was just straight cut and ugly.  and my sister was with me and she had on an almost identical dress even though she was the maid of honor and i was complaining to her how it was ugly and i didn't really wanna wear this for my wedding and she said that we didn't have a choice cause i was getting married today and these dresses were from our parent's wedding so we had to wear them.  so we were running around town doing various things like getting flowers (except we only got like 3 wilty lilys for my bouquet and that was it), and then we realized that the invitations had never been sent out so no one was gonna be there.  and for the life of me i couldn't remember who my other bridesmaids were or, get this, i couldn't remember who i was marrying!  i couldn't picture the guy's face or know his name or anything.  but for some reason we had to keep going through everything even though the wedding was not at all gonna be what i wanted and like no one was gonna be there... and then the dream ended.
so yea, i'm gonna take this as an indicator that i'm not ready to get married and that God didn't wanna tell me my (hopefully future) husband's name cause i need to wait and trust in Him, and that i need to take more than like a week to plan my wedding (if that ever does happen) cause i do not wanna end up with no flowers, no guests, and a weird ugly old dress.

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