Tuesday, April 20

jealousy... again...

i wish i could get over it. but then i remember i'm human. and it's a constant battle to do/think the Godly thing instead of the what Amy wants thing. but they always say that recognizing the problem is a key step in getting to where it can be solved. so i'm recognizing how jealous i am. of other people having more/better friends. of other people having no problem raising support. of the way other people look. of other people always having something to do and not being bored. of people whose health does not consistantly fail them. pretty much of other people. period.
and its a pain. i don't want to be jealous, i really don't. but i long after the things that have been given to other people and not me. why am i not worthy enough to receive such things? i know the answer, deep down... that none of us are worthy at all of any of it, and what may seem like a gift to me might be a curse to the recipient. and, knowing how human i am, if i got what i wanted (say a healthy body for instance), i'd probably take it for granted or maybe even wish it gone, so that i could bring more attention to myself. i really don't want to be jealous, but thats something i can't really conquer all by myself. i need Him. i need to find and be fulfilled in Him alone. not in other people or things of this world. but Him alone. and that He will provide what i need, when i need it. whether thats money to go to Gatlinburg or closer friends or a functioning body. i have to TRUST in Him and His timing. and when you're human and used to thinking only about yourself, trusting and yielding your rights and everything to Him can be pretty hard. and it's not just one little bump in the road. it's a constant, uphill climb. i just hope i don't get to tired and quit in the middle (though again, God will provide for me what i need, when i need it). i need to BELIEVE and TRUST in the Lord, that He makes all things work together for my good, even when it's not about me anyways.

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