Monday, May 3


i think too much. like too too too much. to some extent, that's just my personality. but. we are all different and have our characterstics, which God wants to use. but sometimes we become so obsessed with what we are, not what God is or wants us to be. i totally believe God made me the way He did for His purposes. but i can either let go of myself and let Him use me to bring Him glory, or overexaggerate and increase the personalities He's given me. i don't know if that makes sense. He created me the way He did for a reason, but that reason does not include me focusing and overcompensating for it. like i have a brain that likes to work, and seems to be pretty good at it. but i need to be using that for His Glory, not overthinking and secondguessing practically everything in life. it's so hard to not think about everything. but the only way to get good at something is practice. i'm gonna try hard to notice when i start going down that path, and make a u-turn. stop analyzing everything and making assumptions, especially when it comes to other people and how they relate to me. and to just live and rest in the Lord. like i think i've said before, i've been forced to learn how to rest in the Lord when it comes to physical things like my body... but i pray that He will help me learn how to rest in Him mentally and spiritually at all times too. i'm such a thinking person, i feel like sometimes (esp lately) it's problem-making to my faith, because i want exact, straight forward answers and plans. and that's often not the way God works.
so i'm trying hard and praying that i can just rest in Him. i think part of my problem is that i don't have an exact definition or relatable experience of just resting in Him, to compare and whatever to. like being ok with who i am and knowing who i am in Christ, i feel like, in my mind, i can't nail down what that feels like or is, so i don't know if it applies to me.
i feel like i've learned so much about myself, esp this last month or so. like a lot of stuff like insecurities and whatever has come to the surface. and the way i operate, like that i have to talk or write things out. it's really scary sometimes, learning and realizing all of this. because the more thats illuminated, the more i see the crap. but, as pastor dodd said yesterday, the crap leads you to the cross. i know He is working in me in big ways, and am excited, but can't necessarily see the progress and process like other people might... also it's not overnight stuff...
i feel like right now, God just wants me to learn to trust and rest in Him, because He has all this stuff figured out, and not think so much and worry. not stay so concentrated on the crap and doubts. i'm slowly relating God and Jesus and everything to myself personally, making it a personal relationship and process, not some generic faith. seeing how God works in my life specifically and what His plans are and how He loves me for the person He created me to be.
i'm getting really really excited about gatlinburg. i know i'm going to grow so much. that's scary and exciting. anxious-making. i'm excited to grow and mature and become more solid and trusting in my faith. but i know so well that growth pretty much never comes easily and simply. but i don't want to wait and just say 'God will grow me on SP' when He is working on me now too! i want to live now!
i'm trying to be thankful for the confusion and everything i'm going through now, because i KNOW God has something great to come from it in the end, and this is just part of the process. as probably any college student, i'm going through stuff and learning who i am, and how that relates to other people and God. it will all be worth it. i know. just trying hard to rest in Him through it all, even if i don't think that i can see Him clearly.

all ye, heavy laden. all ye, heavy hearted. and all ye, heavy burdened. o come, the Lord will give you rest. o Lord come, He will give you rest. o come and be filled. o come and be healed. o come and be filled. by the Spirit of the Lord. by the Spirit of the Lord.
-all ye by coffey

even when the rain falls. even when the flood starts rising. even when the storm comes. i am washed by the water. even when the earth crumbles under my feet. even when the ones i love turn around a crucify me. i won't ever let you down. i won't fall. i won't fall. i won't fall as long as You're around me.
-washed by the water by needtobreathe

i have decided. i have resolved. to wait upon you Lord, my rock and redeemer, shield and reward. i'll wait upon you Lord. as surely as the sun will rise, You'll come to us, as certain as the dawn appears. You'll come, let Your Glory fall as You respond to us. Spirit rain, flood into our thirsty hearts again. You'll come. we are not shaken. we are not moved. we wait upon You Lord, mighty deliverer, triumph and truth. we wait upon You Lord. as surely as the sun will rise, You'll come to us, certain as Your Word endures. You'll come, let Your Glory fall as You respond to us. Spirit rain, flood into our thirsty hearts again. You'll come. chains be broken. lives be healed. eyes be opened. Christ is revealed.

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