Thursday, May 6

things will never be the same.

there is SO much spinning around in my head right now.
that i am actually done with my freshman year of college classes and only have one real final left to do. that when i come back in the fall i won't be the youngest on campus and will be a 'wise' sophomore. that i'm not going to see pretty much any of these people that i see so often have grown to love deeply for three months. that we can still communicate with the wonders of technology but it's not gonna be the same. that in less than a month i will be in gatlinburg for two months. that this place i am at right now feels like home and i don't know how i'll react to being away for three months. that i am different than i was when i came here. that i love so many people here. that i love so many people at home. that i can't be in five places with twenty people at once. that i have to pack up this room that has become my home. that things will never be the same. that some opportunities were lost in the past. that new opportunities await in the future. that i need to be thankful for this day and where i am right now. that i'm trying to figure myself out. that i'm learning so much about myself and others, things i don't necessarily always like. that next year i won't be coming back to this room. that next year i'll be living with different people. that things change everyday, but milestones like the end of school just make them so much more obvious. that other people have changed. that other people will change over the summer. that i will change and grow this summer. that i am unique and no one is ever going to be fully like me or understand me completely (except God). that i am gaining responsibilities. that i may never see some of these people again. that life keeps moving. that sometimes i feel like the world is spinning around me and get so dizzy. that sometimes things seem so clear. that i won't have to learn anything academically this summer. that i will no doubt be learning much more than i though possible in other ways this summer. that the true test is what happens when we come back for sophomore year. that i'm afraid. that i'm stressed. that i'm forgetting something important. that with the end of school work and studying and packing everyone suddenly is really nice. that i'm excited but almost scared to go home. that it won't be the same place and i won't be the same person as when i left in august. that i've developed some of the closest relationships i've ever had. that i've never felt so alone and confused. that things will never be even or fair. that i've told people more than i've told most. that people still love me even when they know all the crap i contain. that love is not something you can force. that i'm not sure if i like change. that i don't want to settle for the path of least resistance. that maybe i already have in some ways. that things will never be the same.
BUT. one thing will always be the same. and if i keep my eyes on Him, He will make my paths straight and everything will work out.

oh. i guess they'll say i've grown. i know more than i wanted to know. i've said more than i wanted to say. i'm headed home. yea but i'm not so sure that home is a place you can still get to by train. so i'm looking out the window and i'm driftin off to sleep with my face pressed up against the pane. the rhythm of my heart and the ringing in my ears. it's the rhythm of the southbound train. oh. when the wind starts to look like her hair. and the clouds in her bright blue eyes. as the sea and the shore fall and rise like her breast as she breathes by my side. and the moon is her lips as the sun is heading on down to the sea like her head as she lies down on me until we reach oceanside. over and over, i hear the same refrain. it's rhythm of my heart and my sleepy girl's breathing. it's the rhythm of my southbound train. oh. i suppose they'll say i should've known. or maybe i'm just feeling old, like a lawyer with no one to blame. i'm headed home. yea but i'm not so sure that home is a place that'll ever be the same. so we gather up our things and head out in the cold. your eyes are where you carry the pain. when i hear the whistle weeple. it's crying in the sky. it's the rhythm of the southbound train. it's the rhythm of the southbound train.
-southbound train by jon foreman

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