off...

yesterday and today i was off from work. i'm starting to really see these days off as blessings. i really dont mind having a day or two off during the week, as long as i can get a full shift (or almost full) on the days i do work. yesterday i got to sleep in and it was amazing. it was one of those days where you wake up and know that you slept great and hard and deep and feel rejuvenated and like all traces of sleep deprivation are gone. hormones getting back to normal prob helped that too ;) so i chilled in the morning, then had discipleship with rachel. we had lunch at mountain lodge then hung out on my balcony. i love our little dates. any discipleship dates really. you have a purpose and a plan and a deep connection of sharing things with eachother, but you're still friends and can just hang out and chat about everything. it's a kind of friendship/relationship i haven't had before and i love it. :) after dship i went lap swimming (yay!) then came back and chilled and had some good quiet time working on my 3min testimony and 1 john stuff. gave people a ride home. hung out. dinner. women's time about our identity in christ and relationships with boys. good stuff. sometimes i feel really left out when they talk about relationships, cause i have like zero experience in that area. no guy has ever really shown interest in me in that way. i mean i've had guys flirt with me, but some guys do that with everyone and it's never really gone anywhere. so i kinda feel out of the loop. and sometimes it makes me wonder/think that i'll be alone and never have any guy love me like that. if that's God's plan, i'm sure it would work out. i'm just having to trust God in that area ;)

today the staff (well some of them) went tubing and the students were invited if they didn't have work. it was really great. we left at 930 and didn't get back til like 5. we did the lower river then ate then the upper river then krispy kreme then home. i just love being in nature and i love fresh and pool water. so it's hard to not be happy in that environment. it wasn't nearly as awkward as i thought it might be, being only one of two students going with a bunch of staff. none of the staff really feel that much older or distant. maybe the directors, but they're still cool. i was hoping maybe some great convos would happen, but none arised. but i loved just floating and manuvering through rapids and rocks and being with people i love. i'm realizing how much of a people/relational person i am. i just love to talk with people and really get to know them. and even if we don't get that far, i love just being with people. something about just being with my family and with all my friends from cru, its just simple and understood. anyways. good times. came back and showered then got ready to go out. all the students went out to a bar/restaurant place on the strip called crawdaddy's for all the june birthdays. theres three of us students in less than a week. it was fun. i caught myself slipping into my antisocial, superselfconscious mode while we ate. but once we paid, we stuck around and moved around and eventually did karaoke. it was fun. i sang everytime we touch with the other two girls in my dgroup :) now back and chilling and bed soon...

so many people have asked me what i want for my birthday. i really don't know what to say. i can't think of anything i need that i don't have. i could make up things to replace like my camera or something, but it's really not necessary. it really hit me how wasteful and selfcentered birthdays have become in our society. it becomes all about that one person. and we're grown up to think this way. that if things aren't perfect and if we don't get everything we wanted, it wasn't good. that everyone has to talk to us and wish us a happy day. buy us stuff we might not need or even use after a month. the only things i can think of is maybe some books i've heard people talking about, but i have such a pile of books... so i really don't know what to say. i've become so go with the flow, i don't really care or have an opinion a lot. realizing that i need to work on that balance of not caring and having opinions... but part of me wants it to be perfect. but when i try and think of what perfect would be, i don't really know. everything just comes down to me wanting attention and love and to feel significant. selfish stuff, but i can't beat myself up over it. i get these things anyways. and it's not all about me anyways, but then you can't be all self-sacrificing and not take care of your human needs for love and the such. so here we go again, balance. so if you're reading this and you've asked me what i want for my birthday... i don't really know. i can't think of anything concrete and material. i guess what i want for my birthday is to really just feel loved and accepted and significant. keep in mind my love language is words of affirmation and quality time. a little physical touch and acts of service, but not really any gifts. in this society, i feel that gifts hold such little significance. so yea, i really don't know how to answer the question when people ask me.

well i'm off to bed, gotta wake up early for work tomorrow...